[BrightFuture]

So, day five. I cleaned the condo, took the dog to the beach for the last time, packed and was driving towards the gates. I left H a note thanking him for accommodating us and for all his help. There two exits from the community. I could of used the main exit which would be towards the direction I was going to. I decided to use another exit. Before I got to the gates, I saw H’s car pulling in to gates on opposite side. I stopped and waited for him. I told him thanks for everything again, and he seemed to be happy with that. I told that I left a loaf of bread which I brought for the kids, but they didn’t eat it, so he can have it or take it to our friends. He said that he will take it to our friends when he goes for dinner over at their place this week.

He said that he will contact me to figure out how to pay him, so he could pay me for the condo mortgage. He said that he’s been trying to lay law, because he is tight no money. I said that I’m in the same situation. He asked me if I will didn’t work and then said that it has been a tough year for both of us.
I told him that the company is getting some money back with tax return, and he was very happy with that. I told him that I will need his signature on the joint tax return. He said that he might drive to the city for a couple of days.

Then he wished me to drive safely and I left.

I was driving home and going though all the emotions again. All of these interactions with H felt quite natural. Well, we were with the group of friends most of the time. I felt confident about myself. I think I was very natural and relaxed. I was smiling a lot and having fun. I was positive and upbeat. At one point I felt very optimistic about H, that he might be coming around. Then I felt that my hopes were up and I tried to shut these feelings down, so I would not be upset and disappointed again. Then I thought that I didn’t see any spark in H’s eyes, and he might not feel anything for me, and that there is no hope to ever get any feelings back. I actually didn’t feel any physical attraction either.

I was operating on the mantra “I want for you what you want for you” all weekend. It did help me to have my head leveled and it also opened a possibility for me to have an unconditional love for H, regardless if we get back together or not.

I’m back home and I feel like I’m in some kind of fog. I’m still trying to process everything from the weekend. H looked the same to me. He was a bit confused too, but he was his usual self, sociable and upbeat. I did notice some sadness in his eyes though. I don’t know if he is going through another layer of depression now. I’ve noticed some things that make me think so. He cleaned the condo and put fresh linens on beds for us. But, it seems like he’s been only doing the minimum to keep up the condo. He never liked to dust, it was always my job, so nothing unusual about dusty furniture. But, he always cleaned the other things very good. I noticed that the shelves in the fridge were not clean. I was probably the last one to do it a couple of months ago. There were dust balls on the floor behind the couch and some furniture. I had to vacuum before I left because of the dog hair. I don’t think that the dust balls accumulated during the weekend. Counter tops were not spotless. He just doesn’t clean like he used to.

He forgot to pay the water bill for the condo. My friends reminded him yesterday. So, it is like he is trying to keep up with things, but forgets about other things.

One more thing I forgot to mention that he stopped by the condo while we were not there. The first time was on day two and he told us about it. I think I saw the evidence a couple more times. He also came to put the garbage bin out on the night when I was at my friends’ house. I had a feeling that he just wanted to get a taste of a family and people staying at the condo. Could he also have some curiosity about my stuff?

Oh, yeah, and he brought out some dog toys from the closet before we arrived (he put them away at some point, so they were not in a living room where they always were when I came there last time.) Apparently he was thinking about the dog. And it was one of the reasons for him to stop by the condo also.

Well, this is all I can remember about the weekend.