Thanks! This weekend the kids and I came down to visit my parents. I'm not sure if my mom realizes it or not but she is so controlling regarding everything. I've always done everything to try and make her happy. Today my dad was doing something with the baby. My mom got upset and I said " you try and control everything". She then left the table and went upstairs. The kids got upset so I went upstairs to ask her to come back down. She said don't u apologize to me. I said I wasn't. Then she starts crying and tells me she has to have a medical procedure next week. Now I feel awful. She loves my kids so much. I feel so guilty because I am trying to step out on my own. I am staying here on my off days from the house during the separation/divorce. Whenever I disagree I feel such guilt. It does n't help that she hates my H. She never liked him. I think my IC will help with this.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
mic, is there anywhere else you can stay on your days away from the house? I feel like things can get really sticky with parents in this sitch (I know I learned quickly that it is better for me not to tell my parents much of anything), and maybe a little more distance from them right now is better. You have enough problems right now without having to solve your parents' problems too. I'm not saying that to be mean, just speaking the truth from my own experience.
I understand that it's theoretically best for the kids to stay in the same house and let the parents shuttle back and forth, but I never even suggested this with my H for a few reasons. Mainly because I don't think it is sustainable over time. Right now, you have two homes that you share, and really no privacy at either one. How long do you think you can live with that?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hi Melissag No. Not right now:( I had to move back in the house at the beginning and convince him to leave for part of the time. It was rough the first couple of weeks between H and I. The kids and I left and went to my parents and he packed their suitcases (things have calmed down) I came back a week later - under my attorney's advisement. They wanted us to stay in the same house together until the first court date but we both did not feel that was productive. Our other home is being completely renovated and is unlivable at the present time. I am waiting on the financials to find out if I get one of the houses, both have to be sold etc. At the beginning he wanted everything. He has found out that is not the case. He kept wanting me to settle out of court. Imagine.:) I agree totally with you that it is so difficult to go back home for one thing. I haven't really been home since before college. Here and there in between travels but not since I was 18 for any length of time:) That was also another huge issue in our marriage. I always went back to my parents for advice - Only child syndrome I think. Guilt. I spoke to a couple of my other close friends who are only children and they felt the same way. Maybe I could go to a hotel or a friends house some of the time but I can't financially swing an apartment and it would just cause him to believe (wrongly) I was giving up my rights to the house. There is not a chance in this world that he would move out for more than he is doing. Reading his shared parenting I think he believes we will be doing this indefinitely. Granted right now he is paying all the bills and giving me "temporary support", but I also make sure the place is immaculate, groceries are done, house is clean etc. I know that when he moves on his own it may be a big shock how he will do everything on his own. I also feel like this is a hindrance to moving forward. I'm not sure how long the divorce will take. A few more months, 6?, Who knows? I will keep looking at my options. Thanks!
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
Just curious does anyone record how often the WAS contacts their children on their non custody days. Just wondered if that mattered when they want 50/50 custody or is it just normal for a Dad to not call every night. Granted I know my kids are young but the 6 year old worries.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
My H never calls the kids on my nights. He was out of town last weekend and called zero times. My kids don't seem to care, though.
I only occasionally call when they are with H, but (for now) he only has them two nights a week, and rarely consecutively.
I imagine once we are D, it will be closer to 50/50, and I will expect that I can speak with my kids on the phone each night that I don't have them. I can't imagine H will want to speak to them more on my nights when he will have them himself more nights then, but who knows.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
My H felt that I never respected him or even cared about his opinion. In the past few days I have started to thank him for things he has done or is doing. For example for cleaning out the garage so one of us can park in there. Makes it easier to keep the kids out of the weather. Me asked of if he was taking our daughter to judo on my day. I has been allowing this. When he said not this week he had a tournament. I just said ok have a great time. Then a few days later asked how it went. Today I told him what a great job he has done in the political arena. (Paraphrasing;) These are 180s for me as he felt no respect and my misuse opera do was mostly to say negative things about my H to most people. I don't want to be seen as pursuing. I am just trying to go back to at least a friendship we used to have. I believe that got very lost. I need to have no expectations. Sadly I miss him as my best friend though that has been gone a long time. I always get positive results from the texts. Should I continue. These are things I truly believe. On another note I'm reading the 5 love languages. How do u know what the other persons love language is. Is this what divorce busting is all about? On the GAL page I was able to teach JA at my daughters class and another class today. I love teaching and it was so much fun to share with kids.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
I wondered what my W's love languages were, so I took the online quiz as if I was her. Sure it was not perfect, but from knowing what I know about her I was able to narrow it down to the top two. I figured that this would be accurate enough considering the circumstances.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
In shock at my husbands response. I called to tell him that I had taken d 6 to the dentist today and that she had 2 cavities and how much it would be to fill them. Left him a message regarding how we want to split this. He said don't worry about it I'll take care of it. Amazing. Money is a huge issue for us. Everything had been separate since day one. He never let me on his accounts. I struggled to pay for kids clothes etc. granted he made a lot of money this year but still... He then said I don't have dental insurance do I asking about himself. I said no. He states well I should get it kids have bad teeth. Ummm I've been asking you to get dental insurance for years. I just said ok and asked if he wanted to also be at both appointments since she will be put out. He said yes. I'm just shocked he said he would take care of it. Ok here's the whiny part. I think you are turning into the father I always wanted you to be and some other woman will get this great husband and father. I know it's not supposed to be about me but I see all these changes he's making and it hurts so much that we are not going to be a family anymore:(
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
Journaling again - I think I took a couple of giant steps back today. My H was late to the house which made my D late for school AGAIN. I called him and said can you please be on time. She has had so many tardies, she now has to go to counseling (school recommendation) and we are going to mediation. I don't want this to be harder on her than necessary. I asked him if it would be easier at least while we were sharing houses for me to take her to school and then bring the other two back to him. I wanted to make it easier on him and most important not have my daughter be late anymore. He said No he would make sure he was on time from now on. Her odd start time just keeps confusing him. (this is march she started in august:) I also told him some of the conversations my D has had with me lately regarding the divorce. I told him our 2 year old cries and screams through out the night sometimes as I hold her or cries for Daddy/Mommy and I have to say he's not here. I told him how we were discussing democracy and the President and a dictatorship and CHina. She asked me why Daddy gets to make all the rules in this house and why can't we all vote him to come back. I said families don't work that way. She asked me a different time when I was trying to explain to her that she got to spend all of her time with her dad when she was with him. Wasn't that better? She said NO! It is better if you are both in the same house all the time. He said they never talk about any of this with him. I had to tell him that I was placing one of our cats today. He told he would pay for the cat to keep it. I told him it was not about money. He thinks money solves everything. I said No I need to know since I vowed to these animals that they would all have safe homes - I can't give them to him and if he remarries etc I don't know what would happen to them. I then started crying and told him I still feel as if I'm in a dream I can't believe the man I loved and who vowed to love, honor and cherish me would do this to me. I said I know why because you don't love me the way you feel you should love a wife. I had no idea how hard divorce is. I told him when I tell people I'm getting divorced they don't say Congratulations. They all say "We are so very, very sorry" I said people ask if I am anti marriage. I tell them NO. If I knew how hard divorce was I would have worked so much harder at my marriage. I told him I never go to my parents for anything anymore. (big step for me) I either figure it out on my own or go to him when it is related to the kids. He states "I want you to come to me for everything. I know that is confusing for you". He then said "I really have enjoyed those random texts you've been sending me about different things but then I think I shoulden't enjoy them or it will confuse you" Is this just WAS double talk? As a man is he just saying what he means? I told him more than anything I miss my best friend and the sex. LOL:) I quoted him some of the statistics on divorced children. I told him my IC counselor gave me a book about the effects of divorce on adults and how adults even 25 years later still wish there parents would have stayed together. Again he kept saying THanks for telling me all of this. I first said I know that you believe if you ever come back you will be in black hole of despair and then I said - I'm sorry I should never presume to know what you are thinking or feeling. I told him that I absolutely had post partum depression for 6 of the years we were married but I can't change that. I also told him that I know I totally disrespected him our entire marriage and that I vow to respect him as my ex-husband. I said some of it is my pride but I am so embarrased to be divorced. We are planning on putting our 2nd daughter in a private school next year and I believe we will be the first divorced parents there.:( I just said I chose you and said Yes because I knew you were the one person that I could completely trust and always stood by his commitments. I never thought I would be a single mom because essentially that is what we are now - a single mom and a single dad. I know you can never guilt a WAS into coming back. I did tell him that I feel like I am myself again and I'm going indoor rock climbing next week. I said I am taking this day by day. He said day by day. He tries to get through this 20 minutes at a time. I guess the WAS suffers some also. I'm sure there was a lot more and it was not a planned relationship talk or to guilt him into coming back. I finally said I should never have wrapped my life up so tightly with yours. I should have never relied on you so much for my happiness.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
