Stuck On You

[Raine]

Hey Beautiful Wonka!

I am wondering if you are able to recognize your triggers and where they come from. When and how they occur is the key.

Triggers are pretty much going away. Mainly they occur when I don't trust what he is saying, that I interpret something the wrong way from how he meant it, if there is a phrase used that I saw/heard him use with one of them, or if we drive near where one of them works/lives. They come from my trust issues, from past snoopings and discoveries, and being reminded of things I haven't closed the door on.

As for H working really hard to earn your trust, I am thinking it might be a good time to give H Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends that, in my view, will aid him in understanding the process of affairs and how it has impacted you. Another book that I feel H is ready for at this stage is 5LL....I'm thinking that your H may be receptive at this stage to receive some reading material from you. Make sense?

I don't think he's ready for that yet. He does not do too well talking about the affairs. He is extremely ashamed and guilt ridden. I come out of the conversation with a weight being lift, and he will be in tears. It makes him feel sick. He can't believe it was him. It doesn't feel like him. Things don't add up or make sense. We will talk about a few things, and then it's usually a matter of him saying, "I need to stop talking about this," and so we will put it on hold. We've had some extremely good conversations where we talk about things without details. I've brought up things from his teenage years where he has had an "ah ha" moment and said he needs to work through those things. We will talk about things very matter of fact, scholarly, psychologically, and he does really well with that. I can talk to him about things I've read and how I felt things were relevant. Talking about the OW being insecure and the type of women who would get involved with a married man is far easier to talk about than times he should have been with the kids but was with one of them or how I was impacted by it.

H started reading Men in MLC about two months ago. I think he made it about a chapter into it and put it away. He said it's way too hard to read. I still don't know if he agrees he was in MLC. He feels he was very depressed, selfish, and immature and he needed to grow up. We read 5LL together, each with our own copy after BD1, before OWBD. I talked to him about it today and he feels like it would be a good one for him to read now with a better perspective. He is currently reading other more positive books. I've gotten him a few books on happiness and on boundaries. Boundaries is a big one with him, where he is such a people-pleaser and caregiver mentality. This was also part of a really good convo we had, where we talked about that personality type but how it has also strayed into feeling superior to others around him and being the reason for certain people and friends he choices to hang out with. There is a desire to be a mentor and teacher, but there is also the desire to feel better than other people too. That being said, I'm going to get that "Not Just Friends," and start reading it myself and see where that leads.

How did putting your ring back on feel to you? How did you arrive at that point?

I didn't like it. It doesn't feel right. I'm for sure doing it for him. I love him and care about him and have all of those feelings for him symbolic of wearing a ring that links me to him. I've gotten used to not wearing one, so it just is an annoyance more than anything right now. TVS sent me a message about wearing it and that she never stopped wearing hers and what it means to her. That had a huge impact on me. I don't think she'll mind if I share what she said:

I can see how there are negative emotions associated with the ring. I think that too, all the broken promises and hurt...But then I also think when I look at my ring - I kept my vows. I stood by the man I loved when most wouldn't. I loved him at his worst, loved him unconditionally. So in many ways, my ring means more to me than the day I first put it on. Because now, I really do know what for better or worse means.....

Wear it and see how it feels, how you feel. You can always take it off. Each time you look down at your finger, be reminded of the strong and loving woman that you are.