I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

I know AS. That happened a while ago before I even found this site. I haven't done that since that moment. That was about a month ago when we went to the MC one time. It was a COMPLETE disaster because she had no desire to be there.

I understand now that is completely opposite of what DBing is supposed to be. I've come a long way in a month with tons of work to do and a long road ahead. But at the time, I felt monumentally betrayed by her.

[trc2009]

Went home for lunch to see the kiddos. It was a good one. W seems to have relaxed about what was bothering her (or at least she isn't showing me).

We are actually communicating better (other than this past weekend) for the most part. In terms of talking to one another, we're definitely better than we were just a few weeks ago.

The one thing I'm finding it hard to do is actually "talk" with her. We're generally communicated/joked w/ each other pretty effortlessly before the separation, even after she dropped the bomb.

But now there's this invisible wall up because of the separation that there just seems to be boundaries that weren't there before. And I'm afraid to cross any of those boundaries.

The problem with that is the fact that I can't REALLY be myself around her because of that. I can generally be pretty funny, laid back, and somewhat pleasant to be around. But now that there are these boundaries, it's hard to know what's appropriate and what is not.

It's almost like when I started to date her. But instead of being excited/nervous, I'm just nervous.

Any advice on this? I have the luxury of being able to see my wife and talk to her nearly every day. Many here don't have that. Other than some bad days, we've generally done well together the last 15-20 days. Conversation has been light and short for the most part, but it would be nice for that weirdness to go away.

[Bunches]

I know what you mean about this. It feels like you are trying to be this positive person but you have to think about what is about to come out of your mouth so much that its not natural. I kinda wish I had that frequency that you have. I only see my W 2 - 3 times a week at best these days and its not usually for long (30min). I think the key to most of these changes though is to focus on making them natural, so that we are these improved selves all the time and it doesn't feel like we have to think so much to do it just around W's.

I'm trying to think to validate more often with everyone recently so its not a struggle just around her. Does that make sense?

[trc2009]

I'm happy when I'm there. I'm not sitting there like a bump acting all depressed. I focus on the kids a lot while I'm there and do talk to my W.

But I've found it challenging taking a topic and having a conversation about it. Not about R or M at all. But just a general conversation.

Maybe it's because I told myself after 2/14 to just STFU and defuse the situation. But obviously that won't work for the long-term. At some point I need to be comfortable talking to my W.

[AnotherStander]

That happened a while ago before I even found this site. I haven't done that since that moment.

Good, even if you didn't need it perhaps someone else reading did

The one thing I'm finding it hard to do is actually "talk" with her. We're generally communicated/joked w/ each other pretty effortlessly before the separation, even after she dropped the bomb.

But now there's this invisible wall up because of the separation that there just seems to be boundaries that weren't there before. And I'm afraid to cross any of those boundaries.

Don't expect it to go "back to normal" because it won't. At least, not for a very long time (years). I'm over 1-1/2 years post-BD and we have never talked like we did pre-BD. I'm not sure we ever will. It's not you, it's her. She's built the castle walls up tall and strong and you're not allowed in. You can't breach the wall, it's up to her to lower the drawbridge. Do you know the picnic-outside-the-castle analogy?

The problem with that is the fact that I can't REALLY be myself around her because of that.

Eventually you'll get over that. Right now you feel like you're walking on eggshells, like every word might give your M life or death. Eventually you'll come to realize that your W is DONE (for now) and nothing you say is going to change that. You'll loosen up and be yourself even though she will not.

Any advice on this?

Give yourself time to adjust to things. Quit worrying about how she'll react to every little thing you do or say.

I have the luxury of being able to see my wife and talk to her nearly every day. Many here don't have that.

I'm not sure that's a good thing. The WAS needs to learn to miss the LBS, when there's frequent contact not only do they not learn to miss the LBS, but they get tired of seeing them all the time. Plus it's hard for the LBS to detach. You might want to cut back on those frequent visits.

[LFC1170]

The WAS needs to learn to miss the LBS, when there's frequent contact not only do they not learn to miss the LBS, but they get tired of seeing them all the time. Plus it's hard for the LBS to detach. You might want to cut back on those frequent visits.

What if its a live-in WAS PITA?

[trc2009]

I have to see my WAW. We have kids (young kids) and the one thing we agree on is the co-parenting approach. We actually can agree on a lot of things (kids, finances, schedules, etc.).

I'm really starting to wonder whether or not she's truly a WAW. The more time I spend in this forum and read stories, the less I really think she is truly "done" with our marriage. I read all of these other stories and think to myself how lucky I am right now because my wife isn't doing some of the things they're doing.

Honestly, after reading the MWD books, I'm starting to think it's more of an early mid-life crisis than a situation of a W.A.S. Sure, our marriage hasn't been perfect but it hasn't been this dreadful thing (and she's even said that she doesn't regret for a second getting married to me). If she truly walked away, she probably would have indicated that she was done by now.

I could be wrong, but I really don't see her making a decision about ending the marriage any time soon. And if you believe the "none of what she says, half of what you see," it's possible D isn't even an option for her. If it still is an option for her, she knows it won't be a quick thing. It would likely drag out well into 2015 because I won't pave the road for her in the event that's what she wants.

Regardless if she's a WAW or not, I will continue doing what I've been doing. W/ warmer weather on the horizon, I will have plenty to do. I do now, but most of my hobbies involve warm weather. I've done a decent job of GAL even with this terrible weather.

I don't know, a lot of rambling here. But I've now had time to really explore the stories here to compare/contrast with mine. My M could take a turn for the worse and maybe my wife is closer to D than I think.

I'll continue my 180's, keep working on my two goals that I've spelled out, and generally take care of myself until she indicates that she is ready to move forward.....TOGETHER. It may happen soon, it may never happen. But I will not sacrifice spending time with my kids.

[trc2009]

I read something about a WAS and one thing they do is build a safety net months, if not years in advance. They make their minds up long before they decide to drop the bomb.

Even when she dropped the bomb on me, she was still fairly loving toward me. Sure, things were a little different but she never really mentioned divorce until AFTER we were separated. I think the thought of D is a new concept to her. From 1/25-2/14, thinks were just so petty between us, I think she just wanted relief from that and she just shut down. Since 2/14, things have slowly gotten less bitter.

I'm not trying to give myself false hope here, but if she was truly wanted a D right now, wouldn't it be a little more obvious? I read these forums religiously and it seems someone who has completely checked out usually projects certainty that the marriage is over and D what they want.

She has never said once that she WANTS a D. Not once.

[LFC1170]

trc, the only thing different in my sitch is my w declared she wanted a d. It went like this...

Day 1: asked for a trial S
Day 2: asked for full blown S
Day 3: BD asked for full divorce

so I went from trial sep to divorce in 3 days!

That said, aside from no sex or touching whatsoever, our daily lives are exactly the same. In public you would think we are married. I make all the money for food and shelter, she contributes nothing except cooking and cleaning (occasionally). We deal with our son equally.

She has had all the paperwork for almost 2 years and hasn't filled out one page. She has bought clothes, Ipod speakers, and a car with virtually no money before she puts into saving money for the d she so desperately wants. If she was still having sex I would think no way she would go through with it and basically ignore the d proclamations.

As it is she can wake up tomorrow and say y'know I decided I want to stay. That easy. I have no idea what she is thinking but I feel that if we can just open up and communicate this can be avoided but she's following the WAS script to the letter.

[trc2009]

Wow LFC. That just goes to show you how confused a WAW really can be. To my wifes credit, I was the first one to suggest a separation. Things were so heated and so volatile that I knew we needed some time apart.

I know she wants to get a job. That is a fact. We've had open discussions about it the last several weeks and I think that's a good thing. I've been very supportive of her but let her completely control that process. I ask her how the job hunt is going, then shut my mouth and let her speak (patting myself on the back).

Now, her getting her own place came up once and only once. That was because I told her that I wanted to spend more nights in the house after we had separated. She resisted that in a HUGE way but I didn't budge. I have a right to stay there just as much as she does. Finally, I didn't give her a choice several weeks ago. I told her that it doesn't need to be 50/50 but I need to get the house at least 2 days through the week and every other weekend. That's when she suggested if it would be easier for her to get her own place once she gets a job so neither of us have to stay at someone elses place.

At first I thought that may be an option but after I started here I began to realize that probably wasn't a good idea. That would just create greater distance between the two of us that probably didn't need to happen. Plus, it would create an incredible amount of financial burden that her new job could not offset. It would probably cost her $1,000/month (if you include utilities and everything else that goes along w/ renting...that doesn't include her living expenses, furniture, etc.) PLUS we will already be paying $700-$800/month in child care. So we'd be looking at an extra $2,000/month JUST so she could have her own place. Dumb....dumb...dumb (although I didn't say it that way). That could be potentially financially devastating for our family. $24,000/year is a hefty price to pay.

That being said, she hasn't brought up moving out since then. She may be thinking it, but I haven't the slightest clue. She doesn't even have a job yet. And in our area, she's going to be hard pressed to find a job after being out of work for 4 years that will pay more than $10-12/hour. That would barely cover her rent & utilities. Not to mention if she moved out, she is going to pay for her own cell phone and her student loan. I won't subsidize her at that point.

Now, if that's what she decides to do, I'm afraid I'll have to consult with an attorney to protect myself financially if she gets really dumb with credit cards or something like that. I assume a separation agreement can spell out current assets at the time of a legal separation so I can't be held liable for her nonsense.

Obviously, I don't think her moving out is good for our marriage at all. But she hasn't brought it up in several weeks and I'm not going there. I'm prepared for her to do it. At least I'm trying to prepare myself. But again, she doesn't even have a job. What landlord in their right mind would lease an apt to someone who just got a job that only pays $1300/month after taxes? And my wife would NEVER live in a dangerous neighborhood that would have lower rent. She's a very nervous person in the first place when it comes to safety.

She knows very well that I have no intention of living separately forever although we never set a timeline. Like I said, I can say that things aren't "bad" at the moment. But it's still way to early to know if it's good enough to where we can end our separation. I do need a sign of good faith from her before I'm willing to take that risk.