[Wonka]

Bright,

I see a lot of positives in your interaction with H. Keep it up, baby!

[BrightFuture]

Well, before I proceed with the rest of the updates, I want to thank Heather, Job, NLT and Wonka for stopping by.

I did have a great time last weekend. The kids did too. They went back home on Sunday, and I drove on Monday. My son’s GF wanted to stay with me, but I made it clear that I wanted one night for myself. I did take care of them the whole weekend and wanted some time alone.

Job, you are exactly right about H not knowing what to do around everyone. I don’t know if he planned everything ahead. I have a feeling that his behavior was kind of subconscious.

Forgot to mention something about the first night at my friends’ house. I had my dog with me. He was so happy to see H, he was by his side almost all night enjoying the petting and attention. Here, speaking about unconditional love. My dog gave me a big lesson that night. H was also very happy to give the dog some good back scratch. I think he misses him too.

Wonka, I’m curious if you can elaborate why do you see it positive? Well, maybe wait for the rest of the updates first. I’m still trying to process the whole thing and there is a lot of information. I’ve gone through all kinds of different feelings during the weekend. I’m just trying to stay on the course and not get into the expectations game again.

[BrightFuture]

So, here it goes. That second night was quite interesting. After H left, we socialized some more, then my male friend took his kid home and his wife stayed with me and my other GF. Kids went to do their own partying and we went to a couple of other bars in town. In one of them we were sitting next to a group of guys and one of them was really hitting on me. He was younger and could not grasp that I had an adult son. He gave me lots of compliments and was really trying hard to pick me up. My GF was telling the other one (a mutual friend) that this scenario repeats itself quite often. That out of a few ladies on a girls night out I am always the one who gets the most attention. We laughed a lot, and then left to go to another bar.

In one of the bars we found our kids and H. They were drinking and talking. We stayed away from them. My GFs noticed that H was there by himself. I was curious what happened with his friends. Normally he would be with his regular drinking crowd. After all it was a big event in town and there were lots of people everywhere. My mutual friend said that H’s relationship with his friends seems to be strained. She said that some of the people who he considered to be friends happened to be not exactly a friendship material. They didn’t care about H like he thought they did. Plus, she said that everybody has his/her own life and family.

So, just like the previous two times, H abruptly left. Later my GF dragged us to the strip club next door looking for the kids. We just came inside, walked all the way to the other end and came out. The kids were not there, but guess what, H was. Standing by the bar, all by himself again. Even my GF said that he felt sorry for him. It upset me too. It was not that he was in the strip club, I know he went there before while we were M’d and I didn’t have a problem with it. It is just the fact that he was by himself again. He saw us too. We went by so fast that I didn’t notice what expression he had on his face.

We eventually found our kids and went home.

[BrightFuture]

Whew, I’m exhausted typing all the updates.

So, next day (day three) was the race day. I had a hard time getting my kids out of the bed, they partied too much the previous night, hehe. We headed to my mutual friend’s house in town, because the race track was not far from there. We had to navigate through the busy traffic in town and I thought we were late and would miss the most expected – the trophy trucks. When we got to my friend’s house we realized that nothing was going on yet. She was home with the baby and her H was at work that day. My other GF and her son and his GF arrived later.

Then somebody called on the house phone and my GF talked. It was H giving us updates on the race. He had a communication with one of the guys who had a radio. The race was delayed by a couple of hours because of the mud slide somewhere in the mountains along the race path. H called a few more times giving us the updates. Then he called to let us know that the race was starting and we headed to the tracks. We drove in and there were a lot of cars and trucks with spectators aligned on both sides of the race track. We parked and started getting out our stuff of the cars. Next thing I know, H shows up and tells us about the wind conditions and to go on the other side, so we would avoid the dust from the passing race cars. Then he noticed that I had my car windows cracked a bit and told me that it would be a good idea to close them.

I didn’t see where he went after that, because I was busy with situating the dog and bringing the stuff from the car. My mutual friends said that it looked like he was by himself again. At least not with his drinking crowd again. He might have been with his new body, a guy who recently lost his wife. I didn’t see H’s car anywhere close to us. Obviously he was anticipating us and looking for us to arrive. I didn’t see him for the rest of the race. I just felt sad again, because we were all together with family and friends, and I don’t really know if he was with somebody. I know he would have enjoyed everybody’s company, like he always did.

I thought that it was very nice of H to keep us updated. It felt like he really did care. I even told my GFs that it was very nice of H. They both were kind of surprised too. One of them asked me if I would take h back if he would want to come back to M. They both looked at me, and I said that I don’t know, I probably would want to see the changes in H first before deciding on this. I left it at that and they didn’t ask any more questions.

[BrightFuture]

Oops, it should have been “new buddy”, not “new body”, LOL.

Day four. The kids wanted to go to the pool, so I dropped them off. I came to the pool later and joined them. There was H again, talking to his pool buddies. I didn’t approach him. I think he saw me, but didn’t come to say hi. The kids said that they went to talk him when they came to the pool. I’m glad that my son, his GF and H had a lot of interaction during the weekend. H left the pool with what appears to be his new buddy.

All the kids left for home later in the afternoon. My GF wanted to stay with me, but she didn’t feel good and decided to drive back with her kids.

My mutual friends called and told me that they were in town at the festival and asked me if I was going to join them. I completely forgot about the festival, so I hassled up to get ready and went there. Again, they didn’t bother to tell me that they had a company. I came to the restaurant and there was H again. They all expected me to be with my GF. I told them that she was sick and went home. So, we were sitting there as two couples, just like in the old days, except H sitting on the opposite side. They already had a couple of drinks. We ordered more. H already ordered his food. I ordered my.

We talked a little. We discussed the fire that was at one of the condos on the previous day. Then I mostly talked with my GF and H talked with her H.

Then again… H got up, said good bye and left without giving anybody a hug.

This is where I finally got some info from both of my mutual friends. We went to their house after the dinner and they kept telling me things about H. They told me that H said to them that he “didn’t expect to spend the whole weekend with Bright”. I said that neither did I. I thought that I would not see him at all, just like last year, when he was on one of the support teams for the race. I was actually surprised that he was not on the team. He seemed to enjoy it last year. This is supposed to be his life. Hanging around with his drinking buddies, driving the sand rail he wanted so badly, drinking and partying again…

I told my friends that this is the life H wanted and he is probably a lot happier now. They both looked at me with the sadness and said that it doesn’t look like H is happy. His drinking friends were not so much of friends. He pushed some of them away, and some of them pushed him away. He hasn’t taken his sand rail anywhere this year (this was my educated guess a couple of day earlier) and it seems that he lost interest in it. He was very happy that my son and his friend enjoy it though.

He is not drinking as much. My male friend said that it is probably because H is trying to conserve the money. H is asking to come to their house for dinners a lot. And when he comes he seems to be enjoying watching the TV shows with them, and my friend told me that they are not even drinking on these nights. So, H is back with his original friends (our mutual friends), and he is even tolerating the baby. H doesn’t like little babies and he always tried to avoid being around them. The kid is about 15 months old and gets into everything in the house. I’m very amazed how H is able to tolerate this. He would be very annoyed in the past. The only explanation is that he doesn’t have much choice, as he wants to be around his friends. And they are true friends.

My male friend told me that he still doesn’t understand what H is going through. He mentioned MLC though. To my surprise, he said that H doesn’t open up to him at all, so my friend doesn’t know what is going on in H’s head. He said that he thinks that H is dealing with some trauma or something in his life, but he doesn’t say anything to him at all. I mentioned H’s parents’ divorce when he was 12 and how badly he treated his Mom for a while.

Both my friends said that they felt sorry for H. I had tears in my eyes at that point and told them how sorry I was for not being able to help H though this when we were married and that I was sorry he was so unhappy with me in the last few years of M. They told me that it was not my fault and it is H’s issues that he needs to sort out. The male friend said that he wants to talk to H to try to open him up. I told him that knowing H’s stubbornness, it is probably not a good idea and just to leave H alone.

[BrightFuture]

So, day five. I cleaned the condo, took the dog to the beach for the last time, packed and was driving towards the gates. I left H a note thanking him for accommodating us and for all his help. There two exits from the community. I could of used the main exit which would be towards the direction I was going to. I decided to use another exit. Before I got to the gates, I saw H’s car pulling in to gates on opposite side. I stopped and waited for him. I told him thanks for everything again, and he seemed to be happy with that. I told that I left a loaf of bread which I brought for the kids, but they didn’t eat it, so he can have it or take it to our friends. He said that he will take it to our friends when he goes for dinner over at their place this week.

He said that he will contact me to figure out how to pay him, so he could pay me for the condo mortgage. He said that he’s been trying to lay law, because he is tight no money. I said that I’m in the same situation. He asked me if I will didn’t work and then said that it has been a tough year for both of us.
I told him that the company is getting some money back with tax return, and he was very happy with that. I told him that I will need his signature on the joint tax return. He said that he might drive to the city for a couple of days.

Then he wished me to drive safely and I left.

I was driving home and going though all the emotions again. All of these interactions with H felt quite natural. Well, we were with the group of friends most of the time. I felt confident about myself. I think I was very natural and relaxed. I was smiling a lot and having fun. I was positive and upbeat. At one point I felt very optimistic about H, that he might be coming around. Then I felt that my hopes were up and I tried to shut these feelings down, so I would not be upset and disappointed again. Then I thought that I didn’t see any spark in H’s eyes, and he might not feel anything for me, and that there is no hope to ever get any feelings back. I actually didn’t feel any physical attraction either.

I was operating on the mantra “I want for you what you want for you” all weekend. It did help me to have my head leveled and it also opened a possibility for me to have an unconditional love for H, regardless if we get back together or not.

I’m back home and I feel like I’m in some kind of fog. I’m still trying to process everything from the weekend. H looked the same to me. He was a bit confused too, but he was his usual self, sociable and upbeat. I did notice some sadness in his eyes though. I don’t know if he is going through another layer of depression now. I’ve noticed some things that make me think so. He cleaned the condo and put fresh linens on beds for us. But, it seems like he’s been only doing the minimum to keep up the condo. He never liked to dust, it was always my job, so nothing unusual about dusty furniture. But, he always cleaned the other things very good. I noticed that the shelves in the fridge were not clean. I was probably the last one to do it a couple of months ago. There were dust balls on the floor behind the couch and some furniture. I had to vacuum before I left because of the dog hair. I don’t think that the dust balls accumulated during the weekend. Counter tops were not spotless. He just doesn’t clean like he used to.

He forgot to pay the water bill for the condo. My friends reminded him yesterday. So, it is like he is trying to keep up with things, but forgets about other things.

One more thing I forgot to mention that he stopped by the condo while we were not there. The first time was on day two and he told us about it. I think I saw the evidence a couple more times. He also came to put the garbage bin out on the night when I was at my friends’ house. I had a feeling that he just wanted to get a taste of a family and people staying at the condo. Could he also have some curiosity about my stuff?

Oh, yeah, and he brought out some dog toys from the closet before we arrived (he put them away at some point, so they were not in a living room where they always were when I came there last time.) Apparently he was thinking about the dog. And it was one of the reasons for him to stop by the condo also.

Well, this is all I can remember about the weekend.

[bustingout]

Hi bright- it sounds like you had a really fun trip! You seem to be in good place with yourself and you would have had the great time with or without H's presence. That seems healthy to me.

Your h seems to be doing some reflecting. I wouldn't dare try and say what he is possibly thinking about however it seems that the times he was around with you are your friends he was aware that he would be seeing you. These were not chance encounters I think. Also his abrupt leaves seem to be a sign of some inner confusion- turmoil perhaps that makes him have to physically get up and leave. That is not a reflection on you - rather it would seem a reflection of the confusion in his mind.

I am so pleased your interactions were positive and even more pleased that you had fun and enjoyed the time away. I guess for now it's time again to let your emotions settle after these latest interactions. I am sure that you are thinking a lot about it- I know I would be! Remember to stay focused on you. And alwYs love yourself.

[job]

Bright,
My what a busy vacation! I'm glad you went and had a great time and you were able to spend it w/friends, son, his gf and even your h.

I agree w/bustingout that your h knew you were going to be there and yet, he did spend quite a bit of time in your presence. I also think he got too comfortable w/being around you and it hit him so suddenly that he had to get up and leave quickly. This happens to a lot of them when they find that their heart and soul are melting just a bit. He's still got a lot of things to work out in in heart, soul and mind before he can truly see clearly once again.

Keep the focus on you and be proud of how you handled yourself on this trip. You were fantastic!

[BrightFuture]

Busting, yes, I did have fun over there. I was excited going there to spend some time with my son and my friends. I was a bit uneasy about H being there at the same time, but I thought I would not see him, just like last year. You are right, he absolutely knew that he would see me, all these interactions were not a coincidence (except the last day when we met at the gate.) I was the one in the dark, because my friends (mutual friends) didn’t warn me. I don’t know why they didn’t tell me, but it happened to be for the best. Surprisingly it was easier than I thought.

It is interesting what you said about his abrupt leaves. I know it was not a reflection on me. I didn’t think that it was probably not that easy for him to physically make himself leave.

Job, this is what I also thought, that it got too comfortable for him and I have a feeling that he realized that too. Yes, he does a lot of things to work on. According to my mutual friends he is back to exhibiting some anger and intolerance. I will elaborate later. Thanks for praising me. I am very please how I handled myself too.

There are a couple of things that have been on my mind these past few days. Our interaction during past weekend reminded me the time when I just met H. I was working on a remote international construction site as an interpreter. I was a field interpreter as opposed to the girls in the office. They got to dress nicer. I had to wear an old army jacket and pants, men boots and a hard hat. I came to the office to use a restroom and that’s where I saw H. He saw me at the same time, and from his own words immediately liked me. Maybe it was a key back then for H to even approach me. I looked so approachable and easygoing. So, this past weekend I didn’t make any special effort to look my best. I was just me, with a smile and good attitude.

After we met at the construction site, H kept in contact. We spoke on the phone and I asked him about the company where he worked and how I could get a contract with them. He tried his best to help me. I was surprised that he actually followed up on some of my requests. Other guys on that project were interested in me, but none of them made a special effort to see me as friend first. So, last weekend reminded me a lot of what H did for me. It did seem like he was making that special effort during the last weekend.

At the same time, I didn’t get a single hug from H. He gives hugs to everybody he knows, so it was kind of strange for somebody who wanted to be friends with me.

I went to a winery yesterday with my GF (the bar owner.) She told me that she had a conversation with my mutual friends at the vacation home place last weekend. This was after we saw H at the strip club. My mutual friends told her the same story, that H pi$$ed some of his friends over there because he is so opinionated and intolerant. This happened before with H. First he likes somebody and is willing to spend all his free time with them. Then, something happens and he is irritated with what the person does, or he doesn’t agree with something the person says. Then he gives people the piece of his mind. He did this in his work environment too and lost a couple of contracts this way. I always asked him to be more patient with people, so he doesn’t lose the work. He agreed, but could not help it sometimes. I think he is still carrying a lot of anger.

My friends and my GF think that it looks like H is kicking himself for splitting with me, but he is way too stubborn to do anything about it. I know how stubborn he is. It will take for him to hit the rock bottom to even allow of any thoughts of a possible R with me. He also needs to deal with his anger. I don’t know what that bottom will be. Is he near it already? He is losing his so called friends, he hasn’t met his “prefect” woman, he says he is broke. I hope that his new friend over there would advice him to go to counseling or seek some kind of help for his anger and depression. My mutual friends told me that this new guy is a successful and very intelligent person (BTW his wife died not so long ago), so he should be different from H’s drinking/partying buddies.

I still don’t know what I feel. I feel relieved that H was nice and didn’t avoid me completely, that I was someone and not an enemy or nobody. I am happy that he is treating me better. I just cannot figure out why I have these feelings. Do I see hope? Do I just like that I’m not a bad guy anymore (sort of validation)? At the same time I feel sad for H. I want to help him. I know better to not intervene in the process though. I realized that I still have much love for H. I guess I’m a hopeless romantic after all, LOL.

[job]

Bright,
There is absolutely nothing wrong w/having hope. You can have hope and still continue to move forward and if you want to leave the door ajar, by all means do so...but remember...it takes a long time for them to work up the never to either knock or push the door open completely.

Continue to work on you and enjoy the time you spend w/family and friends. Your life can't be put on hold waiting to see if he'll knock on that door. Life is far too short to wait around. If he truly wants back in, he will find a way to make his entrance known to you.

Enjoy your weekend.