melissa

[PatientMan]

Wonka, yes. My H simply does not like to be "criticized." And he views almost anything that is not complimentary as criticism.

That's his problem, not yours.

So over the course of the R, if I was to talk to him about something that bothered me, the response would almost always be to blame me or someone else, or defend. If my point was valid, he would focus on the fact that I delivered it in the wrong way. If I delivered it in the right way, my point was invalid or it was my fault.

His problem.

My H really can't stand it when I say anything about his parenting. That was a big point of contention for him.

His problem.

I was trying to help him to have a better R with the kids...

This part you can stop worrying about as it isn't your job anymore. Protecting and defending your kids is.

Anyway, I am rambling, but the point is, there really is no way to bring this up with him without risking getting some more hateful spew sent my way. I am willing to do that if it will help my kids, but I am not sure it will.

Can it do any harm?

If it has the possibility of helping and can't make things worse for your kids, I don't see the down side. Oh sure, he might make things more difficult for you, but that's just because he's a narcissistic sociopath. I doubt he takes it out on the kids and, in fact, given time to think about it alone at his "dad pad", he might actually realize he effed up, though he would likely never admit it.

If you honestly think he might make things worse for your kids after you talk to him, then yes, think long and hard before you bring it up.

I could say something relatively benign, like, D9 is really sad about her fish's death. And he might care, and he might think, oh, I should talk to her about that. But I am willing to bet, what he will do is, instead of listening and validating, he will try to talk her out of it. It's just a fish, who cares, etc. Not because he is a bad guy (I don't think that . . . and frankly, I think I have screwed myself over trying to always look for the good in him since BD), but because he just doesn't know how to deal with her emotions. It's the same thing he did to me for years. He just doesn't get it.

Maybe so, but your approach is critical. Take the subordinate role. Before you even mention what the topic is, ask him for a favor and stress how important it is (people generally like to do other people favors, especially when it makes them feel superior). You know things have been difficult between the two of you recently, but this goes beyond that and it's really important. Get him receptive to what you are about to say...anticipatory of some action he can take to feed his ego. Then tell him about how it's more than a fish to your daughter. Express her concern and her perspective, etc., etc.. The rest is up to, and on, him.

Or you could just let them learn he is an insensitive jerk all on their own. And no, I'm not kidding. They'll pick it up pretty quickly when you stop shielding them from it.

You really can't go wrong. The kids are going to figure it out at some point.

Question: did this happen right in front of you or did your daughter come and tell you about it?

-PM