2nd time around part 2

[2Times2Many]

Hi 2nd. So sorry you are in my club ... same amount of time, too. About 7 years.

My H and are just beginning the D path.

Yesterday, he finally opened up some and I had the opportunity to ask him why he thought we ended up here. He told me the same thing. He said OW was not the reason. He said things were not good before that happened, that he wasn't looking, that it just happened. So that seems to be sort of common, I suppose. I'm not sure why. I am fairly certain OW is still in the picture, but he will lie and say she isn't and she wasn't/isn't the reason he wants D. I think they are trying to convince themselves more than us. I think they want to believe that what they are doing is more than just lust ... that it has deeper meaning. I console myself by just thinking that things can't be all that great if they have to work so hard to convince themselves life is/will be so much better without us.

I understand about the difficulty of going dim. H and I don't have kids to discuss and it's still difficult. It's difficult for me because I am not a mean or cruel person and it seems rude to just ignore someone. But, because of that, we've ended up playing the distancer/pursuer game repeatedly. He is a master of drawing me back into his web. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how clear the pattern is to me, it is so hard to remain in the position of distancer.

I hope you and I find success because they do need to learn what life will be like without us.

Good luck and hugs.

2T2M

[NotAgainPlease]

Oh ya. I heard all the same too..basically our 15 yr marriage has been 80 % bad 20 good. H wasn't resentful for the affair but felt sorry for me.wth!
It is so strange how they all seem to say the same things. I think maybe women do too?

Since this is my second trip down this road. 7 years ago, my H was quick to date after separation. Seem to be more interested in finding someone new that time. That time when H left there was no OW. Just fed up and miserable. Which he is this time too.

This time seems all emotional and occupying himself with work about 12 hours a day 6 days a week. Not quite sure what that means.
I seem not to be as eager to reconcile this time although it still hurts and feels like a failure!

[NotAgainPlease]

2T2M,

Yes,it sure does seem we are in the same club! My H had stopped talking to his EA for a month or so, but just got back into contact with her 2 days ago. Because he found out I was seeing someone else. I think??
My H likes to play the fight, night game and provokes me to be mean so he can nice. Unfortunately, I fall for it!
he likes to say I don't want to fight with you, I want to get along, I want to be friends for the kids.
I really wish I could go away for a month and come back. H would know what it would be like to be with out me and the kids too for that matter. It is so hard going dim with kids.
since I've started going on dates with someone it's a little easier to disconnect. But then I've had the backlash of having somebody treat me nice and pay attention to me. Then I get angry because it wasn't that way for a long time with H. I seem to need to let him know how bad he was. Wrong, wrong I know!!
Good luck to you!

[NotAgainPlease]

Funny how my H will not text me back after a certain time. I think so he can text me in the morning.
Well we definitely don't have NC but I try to only talk about the kids. I dont know, so hard with kids!!
I dont know how I will ever have him miss me while talking. I do have to say we didn't have NC 7 years ago. But???

[NotAgainPlease]

H just said he would like to ML I wasn't in a relationship with someone. He is now talking to his EA again because I'm seeing someone. I also said I am not ML to OM.
If we ML he wouldn't want a reason for it..just sex.
This was how we kept connected 7 years agp because it makes it unable to keep feelings out. H said to me after we got back together last time.
He seems to feed of of my behavior, I'm mad, he's mad, I'm happy he is. Etc...he does however try to defuse my anger at times and not just fight.thats new.
I just am not sure 1. I want to ever reconcile 2. ML to him just to keep him connected.
This is not disconnecting from him but I do somewhat know my H and his behavior. If I never talked to him again he wouldn't either. Ugh...
I wish I likes this guy more to just run away.lol

[NotAgainPlease]

I spend my whole night dreaming I want him, I don't. ...most of my waking time I don't! I wish I could shut off the other!!!

[TL72*]

I'm so sorry you were dreaming about him, that stinks.
Hopefully one of the vets will chime in here soon
I'm not sure ML is a good idea, isn't that cake eating? I'm new at this too so i'm not sure. In my mind - i wondered if my H would ask that same thing because we had a very physical relationship - but I think I would feel like a booty call. I don't want to be his "go to" girl. It could just be a response to knowing you're seeing someone.I will check back and see what the vets tell you. We will continue to learn as this process goes forward, hang in there, try and focus on yourself and kids - stay positive.

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanks 2L72,

I've decided to not do it.

So I asked my H to take the kids this weekend. He said he couldn't the guy he stays with has family over. I said the stay at the house I'll be gone. He said no im not staying at the house. He was not going to stay period.

Ya know if must be nice for the runaway not have to deal or be around the ols baggage! WTH I have live in it. Be reminded everyday with things that are still her.
He just move out and doesn't look back so he can shut everything off. That's BS. Sorry guess I'm pretty mad tonight.
He just picks up kids and drives off..muat be nice.

[NotAgainPlease]

H has decided we will only have contact for the kids. We have been arguing lately.
All this is since he contact with OW again. Has been pretty nasty lately. We haven't been arguing about OW.One of the things we have been is his response time to text back to call back. Not that I am expecting it right away, but sometimes when I need something about school I need an answer soon. I am doing our taxes and I need a copy of his W2. He texted me in the am and said he'd send soon. 5 hours later nothing. I called and he said he has been too busy. All I ask is to let me know. This may sound a little petty but he told me that sometimes he does it on purpose because he doesn't like me! Are we 5??

When I do talk to him or text I am really having a hard time being nice.ugh

During a conversation he said OW is not his girl friend just a friend. I said hmm how is that when she is the love of your life and you've never loved anyone so much?
He said I don't love anyone right now......

I am going to IC tomorrow. I have been doing a lot of reading. I think we are both verbal abusers and codependent along with lots of other stuff lol.. We will see.
I can only worry about me but it would be nice if he would go so if/when we divorce we can be civil co-parents.

So, needless to say no/low contact wont be hard since H wont talk to me. He even sent my daughter a text from the car saying he was here. H usually comes in and talks.

H seems very disconnected and think it is permanent. Doing my reading research I am not sure were would ever work. But I do want to figure it out if there ever is a new relationship.

[TL72*]

Try and keep it very business like. Treat him like you would a co-worker. If you think you're going to respond in anger, don't respond. Wait until you're calm. Don't bring up the OW or discuss her, she does not exist. It's only hurting you. Try and detach. Get off the rollercoaster ride and let him ride alone. Don't ask him to go to counseling. Go for yourself. Only he can make that decision. Yes it would be nice if they would all be willing to go, mine isn't willing either. They're extremely selfish. Just get used to doing things on your own and handling the problems yourself, act as if he is out of the picture for good. Mine is disconnected and didn't respond at all to my last email regarding an account we need to separate. I did my part, I informed him in a business like way that it needed to be handled. If he doesn't handle it, then I will. I'll give him a month. Learn patience. Yep, easier said then done. He knows you need the W2 but give him a week and ask again. I don't know if you have ever done customer service but treat him like a customer, fake that smile and try to be nice to avoid arguing. He's like a teenager right now and probably will want to do the opposite of what you want just to irritate you. Mine doesn't talk to me either so you just have to learn to be patient. I figure all I can do in my sitch is put down the anchors and try to weather out the storm the best I can. Being still right now, being dark, but doing my own thing. I realize you have kids so it is harder. You can only control your own actions and decisions so YOU can be civil and hope he follows suit. You have loads of time now to work on yourself so that if things don't work out you will be healthy for a new relationship in the future. I'm telling myself that - : ) hang in there, you will get through this, it's not forever even though it seems like it.