melissa

[melissag]

Wonka, yes. My H simply does not like to be "criticized." And he views almost anything that is not complimentary as criticism. Once (well, more than once) he made a list of things I said/did to prove to me what a critical bitch I was. And while some of them I agree were valid, many of them were things like, "that water bottle needs to go on the top rack of the dishwasher so it doesn't melt," or, "that hurt when you stepped on my toe." I wish I had kept one of the lists so I could post it. (Weird, how I didn't save those for posterity, huh?)

So over the course of the R, if I was to talk to him about something that bothered me, the response would almost always be to blame me or someone else, or defend. If my point was valid, he would focus on the fact that I delivered it in the wrong way. If I delivered it in the right way, my point was invalid or it was my fault.

To answer your question, bug, when I brought up the thing at Disneyland, I waited until the kids were asleep and we were out on the balcony, and I said, "H, please don't tell D9 (then D5) to kick people in the head." The convo then continued with him defending himself and saying he thinks it's funny and he wants his kids to be obnoxious because he likes it that he is obnoxious; and me trying to make him understand that a 5 year old doesn't understand the difference between being obnoxious as a joke and being obnoxious, and that regardless, it's not really appropriate for a 5 year old to do either. From his POV, I was criticizing his parenting and also insulting his personality. I won't say that I have always voiced my concerns to him in an appropriate or loving way . . . not at all. But it didn't seem to make much difference in the response. (I am not using that as en excuse not to raise concerns in a more empathetic way, it's just an observation.)

My H really can't stand it when I say anything about his parenting. That was a big point of contention for him. I was trying to help him to have a better R with the kids, but he saw it as me not "taking his side." For example, he would have a three hour long power struggle with S7 (it used to be D9, then she figured out how to avoid it), and then be angry with me for not "taking his side." He said it was S7's fault because S7 was being a pain in the ass.

Anyway, I am rambling, but the point is, there really is no way to bring this up with him without risking getting some more hateful spew sent my way. I am willing to do that if it will help my kids, but I am not sure it will.

I could say something relatively benign, like, D9 is really sad about her fish's death. And he might care, and he might think, oh, I should talk to her about that. But I am willing to bet, what he will do is, instead of listening and validating, he will try to talk her out of it. It's just a fish, who cares, etc. Not because he is a bad guy (I don't think that . . . and frankly, I think I have screwed myself over trying to always look for the good in him since BD), but because he just doesn't know how to deal with her emotions. It's the same thing he did to me for years. He just doesn't get it.

So, I'm just not sure what to do, other than to be there for my kids the best *I* can. Since BD, I have tried to let my H figure out his own R with them, and they with him. I'm just not sure at what point (if any, short of danger to the kids) I should interfere or voice my opinion/concern.