First post here - I'm 32, wife is 33. Married 10 years with D6 and S4.
Sept 2013 - She tells me she's not sure if this going to work out or not. I get pretty emotional and sad about it, which looking back on it was not the right way to act. Oct 2013 - She tells me that she had been seeing OM over the summer and they kissed, but it's over now. Nov 2013 - I hear from her sister that she is still seeing OM and she says they are just friends, but she apologizes and says she will stop seeing him. Dec 2013 - She really starts investing into looking for a place to live so we can be separated, and she moves out Dec 31, which I stupidly agree to pay for for 4 months, because she doesn't have a job and stays home to watch our kids. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
A couple weeks after that I finally decide to look at the phone records and find a lot of texting/phone calls with a number. I find out who it was and confront her about it. She is pretty upset and says she might be in love with him. I confront him about it and he says they are just friends and he doesn't have feelings for her that way and will stop talking to her. I'm pretty confused by this. And she even says the next day that they were just friends and she was defensive/emotional and does not actually love him.
The next day she tells me its over and it was definitely the worst moment of my life, and I'm yelling at her a lot. For the past month and a half she has been working on the divorce papers. Since that day though I've researched a lot of things and been going with very little contact with her. Trying to detach is hard, but I'm getting there. She told me didn't love me a few days ago and I was able to get through that without folding up. The hardest thing is the kids though and I don't look forward to telling them what's going to happen, though I think D6 has caught on and is holding it in. I'm trying to be the strongest I can be around them both and keeping things as fun as possible.
The papers from the lawyer will probably be ready in a couple of weeks. I did talk to a coach on Thursday and some of it really sunk in on what steps to take.
The things I have working for me are the kids (she doesn't want to go without them, but she wants them to be with me.... I'm like well there is a solution for that) and her family, which does not approve of what she is doing, but I think at times have been a little too harsh with her.
Hi, I am glad you are talking to a coach, that is your best option for tabling the divorce talk and having the tools to work on your relationship. It is a process, but you have started it! There are a lot of great articles on this site as well. You will also get insight from other community members. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
So right now I'm trying to be a friend to her and treat her like a sister. I think that makes a lot of sense as far as trying to detach emotionally from her. But I'm wondering if that is the best solution in my case. Her issue with me is that I'm wasn't much of a leader, I never set boundaries for her as what she could do or spend or who she could talk to. I guess I took it for granted that a lot of that would be understood, but I'm now realizing that I needed to set boundaries in the relationship. Of course I don't see how that gave her the right to kiss another guy.
Right now I have been standing up to her on issues that have been important. I'm following Sandi's rules and definitely not pursuing. Trying to get a life, going with out with other guys, doing guy stuff.
The stress is tough, and I'm having a hard time dealing with her selfishness. She watches the kids during the day, while I'm at work and then I watch them at nights, Friday afternoons and every Saturday and Sunday. I try not to think about how she has every night free and every weekend free to do whatever.
So this morning she texts me that's she sorry for the hurt and pain. Obviously she's still going through with the divorce, otherwise she would have said something.
What is the best way to respond to that? Just ignore the apology? I don't want to accept it, because if she truly meant she would stop doing what she's doing.
No, she can be sorry and still go through with it. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can tell her that's not your preference but you are going to move your life forward in a positive direction regardless ...
No, she can be sorry and still go through with it. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can tell her that's not your preference but you are going to move your life forward in a positive direction regardless ...
Doesn't that give the impression that I approve of the divorce? I really think the only reason she has been somewhat nice to me and her family is that she hopes that somebody will give her approval and she won't have any guilt and be free to do whatever she wants with everybody's love and support.
I understand that guilt won't make her come back and I've had a positive attitude around her lately. Her family is putting a guilt trip on her however.
No, she can be sorry and still go through with it. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can tell her that's not your preference but you are going to move your life forward in a positive direction regardless ...
Doesn't that give the impression that I approve of the divorce?
Here's the thing, right now you're pushing your agenda, what YOU want. Every time you do it reminds her just how far apart the two of you are and it drives her farther away from you. It makes her more anxious to pursue D. Stop pushing YOUR agenda on her. She KNOWS you don't want D, you don't need to keep reminding her. What she's going through right now is all about her. You need to listen and validate and that is it. Don't tell her your feelings, don't argue/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree. Just LISTEN and VALIDATE. Take all the pressure off of her. No R talk. No M talk. Once you remove the pressure from a WAS they often no longer feel the need to push for D.
Here's the thing, right now you're pushing your agenda, what YOU want. Every time you do it reminds her just how far apart the two of you are and it drives her farther away from you. It makes her more anxious to pursue D. Stop pushing YOUR agenda on her. She KNOWS you don't want D, you don't need to keep reminding her. What she's going through right now is all about her. You need to listen and validate and that is it. Don't tell her your feelings, don't argue/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree. Just LISTEN and VALIDATE. Take all the pressure off of her. No R talk. No M talk. Once you remove the pressure from a WAS they often no longer feel the need to push for D.
I think I understand what you're saying. I have been doing that pretty well lately as far as not begging, pleading, arguing and not trying to bring up R or M. But when we're talking about the kids, finances for the future (we're trying to do D amicably) don't I still get to negotiate and argue for myself at that point?
Like, when we set up the parenting plan I want to tell her that I want to stick to the plan and she can't come over on the days that aren't hers. I don't know what she expects at this point, but I think she believes we're going to remain good friends after this is over. I just don't want to do that, it would feel fake to me to be friends with her at that point.
But when we're talking about the kids, finances for the future (we're trying to do D amicably) don't I still get to negotiate and argue for myself at that point?
Yes, absolutely. But treat it like a business transaction. You're negotiating terms. Don't let your emotions get in the way. My W and I had a very amicable D going. I told a friend and she said to me "don't believe it until you've got the signed papers in your hand." I said "oh you don't know W, she's not like that!" She said "I can't wait to say 'I told you so'". Well guess what, she was right. My W reneged on the original decree that we had both sat down, negotiated and agreed to and came back wanting a LOT more money with no explanation given. So I'm glad things are going smooth for you, but be ready for the other shoe to drop!
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Like, when we set up the parenting plan I want to tell her that I want to stick to the plan and she can't come over on the days that aren't hers.
Yes, those are reasonable boundaries to set in place.
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I don't know what she expects at this point, but I think she believes we're going to remain good friends after this is over. I just don't want to do that, it would feel fake to me to be friends with her at that point.
I was just reading an article by a psychologist talking about how difficult it is to be friends after a serious R. All WAS's say that at some point, but it doesn't happen very often. My wife said it early on too, but she's clearly done a 180 on that since then!
I have just been so confused on what to do, how to act for a few months now, that I've been questioning just about every decision I make. I hope this gets easier. At least I've kept things pleasant between us for the past five or so days.
I really started alot of these ideas in mid January, but I've had some messups along the way since then. Anger is something I've got to contain when I'm with her.
