melissa

[Underdog]

Ah, Bug, looks like I hit a nerve. I really hope you know that in my post, I never, ever stated or implied that my XH does not love his daughters because he doesn't remember their exact birthdays. Ever. For the record, my XH is one of those people who does remember - and he was also there every step of the way. That's why it was funny. But since I hit a nerve here on that, maybe the lesson is that in the end, it matters more that others are hurt when their closest loved ones do not remember or write them down. It matters to them, and perception is *their* truth - regardless of the reasons behind it.

25, I have to say that your post resonated with me greatly. And you stated what I was mulling last night - very late, after a glass of celebratory wine. I was a biology major, and fish eating other fish is definitely part of the circle of life and a lovely example of Darwin's survival of the fittest. Murder/homicide doesn't exist in the animal kingdom, and what he said to his D9 was inappropriate and downright mean.

I'll even go a step further. A gift is a gift. And it's also unfair and inappropriate to attach conditions to one - especially a gift to a child - later on.

Melissa, I know you mentioned going to a C, but do your kids? I had my D20 in C for one year stints twice after her dad moved out. People kept telling me how well she was handling it. As her mom, I knew full well how my D processes - and I saw danger, danger ahead. That's when I put her into C with a fabulous child psychologist and found out there were plenty of issues that needed to be addressed. And honestly, some of them were how I was parenting after he left. It was what I needed to hear too.

You've said many times that your H didn't have a good role model growing up. Not an excuse, just an explanation. Without seeing the need to change, none of us would, we continue to walk around doing as we were programmed.

This is very true. And I also consider traveling this path one of the greatest gifts that has ever been bestowed on me. Because it showed me and told me that I *could* be different. Many of the people here take it to heart and put this lesson to work for themselves.

And while I understand where you are going with this, I also don't believe that just because our spouses/former spouses choose not to do the work and then go on to inflict ignorant damages on children that it's okay. Ignorance is never an excuse to hurt others.

Did you ever have a defining moment with a parent that hurt you to the core, that maybe you've forgiven but not forgotten? I can tell you that mine was a few years ago. And since my sister reacted the same way I did, I know I'm not crazy. We have a younger brother who is a junkie. He's been a drug abuser since he was 12, and has been in and out of jail since he was 16. He's stolen from my parents and their friends, and he's burned the back half of their house down when my grandmother and cousin were staying there. The fire department ruled the cause from my brother cooking his heroin and then passing out. My mother told everyone it was unattended candles.

So a few years later, my entire family was together. My mother announced to everyone and God that my brother is her favorite and that he has a much kinder and honest soul than either me or my sister. We both felt the stab of a knife through our hearts. To this day, it has affected my sister's R with our parents greatly. (I chose to see it from the POV of my enabling mom. Because our dad doesn't feel the same way.) My sister is going to be 50 in a few weeks, and it would be good for her to get into a little therapy too. I'm trying to get her out here to go to the I Can Do It seminar..

Anyway, people do forgive, but it is very likely that it will be Melissa guiding her kids and wiping away the tears when their dad says stuff like that to them. The natural consequence is that they will distance themselves from him. That's all well and good. But a mother's instincts are to protect. And I honestly think this is one of those instances where she needs to address this with him. Maybe in the context of a C session with the family. He may not realize that his filter is broken, but it doesn't mean it's okay to do those things.