Well last night was pleasant to the extent that all was cordial. Then I went to give her a kiss goodnight on the forehead and she went crazy saying what are you doing? Well the night before I did the same and she said "goodnight, I'll be getting to bed too in a bit" ... I dont know what to make of it except maybe she was half asleep the night before. Well I need to work on GAL and 180/lrt. I can see now that I need to focus on me and if W likes what she sees she will make the first move. Any emotional move like even a kiss on the forehead is perceived by W as pursuing and just pushes her away further at this point.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
This morning W tells me we need to decide "what nights are hers and what nights are mine" ...because she says "I don't like staying in every night" ...well two of her best friends are divorced and her other good friend has no marriage and has been in an affair for 3 years ...so she has girlfriends to go out with. My friends are all married and generally I hang out with them on a Thursday or Friday night ...I guess my nights will have to be my GAL nights ...maybe ill take up bowling or just go to the cigar bar and watch a game ...any advice on all this?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
You are going down cheeseless tunnels. Try to remember that you wife is repulsed by you right now. How would you react if someone that you are repulsed by kept kissing your head or trying to have R talks with you? It would repulse you even more. The changes that you make should reverse that. You can be kind but allof. Mysterious even. Play your cards tight and act as if you could take or leave her as well. Ever hear of the Hawthorne Effect? Subtle changes make a difference, even unconsciously.
Your W has filed. As far as she's concerned, every effort made by you to win her back will have her digging her heels in harder. How do you get a horse on a trailer? You don't push it on, that just causes them to resist. You coax them on so that getting in becomes their idea.
Should I raise my W's mixed emotional responses with her? Or let it go ...I'm just trying to figure out what's up with her. HELP
Let it go. She knows she's confused and in turmoil, she sure doesn't need any reminders about it. She wants empathy instead, she wants her feelings validated. That's why WAS's quit talking to LBS's and start pouring out their feelings to enablers, because enablers don't judge, they just validate and nod and say they understand. THAT is what she wants, not to be addressed like she's crazy.
And you will NEVER figure out what's up with her. She's not even sure. She may act calm and cool on the outside, but inside she's going through a lot right now. It's like a crazy, raging storm with driving rain and ferocious winds. Her words are random projectiles being flung out of that storm, you can't figure that stuff out because there's no logic or reason to it.
I received an email from my W's parents. Her mom says I am always welcome in their home and if I want to talk they are there for me. They think there daughter is crazy to D me and they love me. My W has always been very close with her folks, visiting with them a couple of times a week and our kids spend usually a weekend night there, etc. My W, me and the kids went our to lunch with them Saturday but obviously nothing came up with respect to the D because our kids present. Question: I would never get into. any details on my side of the story or my W's with respect to why she wants divorce but would there be any value in me dropping in to see her folks to ask for their encouragement in getting their daughter to reconcile, keep an open mind, etc? I am confident her folks would never tell her that I had talked to them. For all I know they may already be telling there daughter that she should try to work things. Any thoughts?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I don't think your wife will listen to her parents' requests to R any more than she'll listen to you. She is going to find enablers to tell her what she wants to hear and ignore all else.
I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say, but I think the most that you could ask her parents to do is to ask her to take her time and not to make any big life decisions too quickly. Time is your friend, and it doesn't make demands on your W.
Thanks Zew. I would agree that time is my friend - although where I reside I have 5 months before my D is final unless my W stops it. I would not expect her folks to tell her to reconcile. My W respects her folks very much and I would just think that they could encourage her to keep an open mind about trying to R/save the marriage - their encouragement alone may actually help her do this. I sure can't tell her anything. I don't want to come across as pursuing her ...she would just dig her heals in and say you don't get it - it's over.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
