Here's my story, hope it's in the right place. Very glad I've found this site, great suggestions and great insight from people in similar situations.
I've been with my wife 18 years, married ten with three little children 3,5,7
January 1, my wife admitted to an internet/phone affair, and then after digging I found email that she was meeting with the OM the next day. I made several mistakes, freaked out, went into shock, told her if she met him it was over etc. lots of threats that I had no intention of keeping. I also asked her to leave the house.
She did agree to do a counselling session, we set one up for four days from then, and she said she would leave, but didn't know if she would meet up him. No communication for a few days, saw her again on Sunday, I continued to ask question etc. In counselling, she admitted to affair.
Obviously I went into shock, hugely. Also awakening for me. I realize our marriage had some issues, but it was always happy and had no precursors for me. I.e. Lack of intimacy, constant fighting etc. However, most importantly, we had communication issues regarding things that were important to each other. We also had a miscarriage two years ago that wasn't dealt with properly . I also didn't listen enough to my wife's voice. Of course, none of this changes or deserved her actions, I am just acknowledging the role I played in this.
We are still doing counselling, and initially my wife agreed to no contact with the OM, but she didn't follow through. And before I got ahold of DR, I made mistake after mistake, pleading, begging, following around house etc. I fear I probably pushed her away. I realize she was already a WAW, but I didn't give her space.
So now, I have given a ton of space. I have made improvements in myself with respect to appearance, mindset, and have become a better father and person. The shock caused me to lose 20 pounds, but I am now stronger, and have the best health of my life physically. I am no longer obsessing about my situation. I am following Sandi's guidelines. Thanks Sandi, life saving . Generally I feel pretty good.
Where it gets complicated, is with our kids doing so many activities, we see each other almost daily. We are ferreting kids back and forth etc. Our interactions have been pleasant, lots of smiles, and a few flirty jokes etc. We have not been intimate for a few weeks, but were in the aftermath. I have not pursued this at all now for fear of destroying progress.
She has been staying with a friend for almost two months, and is now preparing to move out to her own place. After refusing to give up contact with the OM, I know she has been sexting and visiting him occasionally ( he lives a few hours away). I think, and her friends think she is having a MLC, and she is emotionally a mess. She does have some mental health/ depression issues. She is frequently crying around me, and told me she thinks she is a bit delusional.
Where I am struggling is with the trial separation coming up on March 1. Do I cut off finances, restrict time with the kids to certain days for each of us, or what. Feel like I need to do LRT, as she will just continue her relationship with the OM.
My questions are:
-should I show her the book, she saw it accidentally, and was curious, but I don't think it would help. Although one of the success stories talked about a WAW reading the book and then returning - I am acting as if, and giving appearances of moving on. Where do I draw the line. help her move, be nice etc? -her family and friends all support me, which is leaving her feeling like she has no one except OM to turn to. Not good -I have discovered I have a great capacity for reflection, and I am not believing anything she says right now, or does. However, lots of it hurts tons - friends have told me she is amazed at the changes I have made, and it is making her decision very difficult. I don't bring them up though, I just keep doing. -I have been doing DB coaching by phone, should I involve her?
Thanks for all you help and patience. This is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I'm also not sure how to start a new thread, but I will notify the moderator.
I realize this sounds funny, but there are positive aspects to this occurring. I have made significant life changes that are making me a better person, and my relationship with my children is amazing. Regardless of what happens, none of that will be changing. The problem is, I still love my wife and have strong feelings for her. I am in a bit of denial, because I have hope that if I am patient, the affair will blow over, she will come to her senses, and our new relationship will be amazing. Time will tell I guess
