melissa

[25yearsmlc]

M,

I truly have sorrow in my heart after reading that exchange.

I think this whole fish/rejection of d, ought to be brought to the attention of a child psychologist asap.

1) I believe your kids need counseling asap. It cannot hurt! (Sure I think your h needs help too, but that's his business/sandbox, isn't it?)

2) IF this is new behavior, then I truly think your h is transferring his anger at you, onto your d, OR he's trying to punish you, thru her, and or he's just cruel.

Any of these possibilities will scar your d more than she already will be, by a divorce. There's no way she won't feel rejected by the divorce, b/c he IS rejecting HER, openly.



At times when my h was gone, and our son acted selfishly, I did see my h in him (b/c they were both acting selfishly. Never mind that my son was a teen).
I sometimes over reacted. Was I transferring my anger at h onto my s? Never consciously.

But S27 asked me about this several years ago, and I had to think about it & I discussed it with my T. I gave some examples. In at least a few of the episodes, I think there was some validity to son's claim. Still makes me heartsick.

Yes, I apologized to S for it. But No, I never said anything to son like your h said to your d. BUT STILL, I am ashamed.

I was somewhat self aware even then, and yet I hurt our son enough for him to ask me about it years later. So, when I say your d will be damaged, I base it on my own experience and I mean it.

3) You want to know what happens to our kids later on?

Well, our d24 sees a T now. Sure, she might have anyhow. But one never knows. And she did admit she has some depression, and some negative feelings about men based on her dad's choices. NOTE Melissa, we are reconciled, and my h would kill/die for our kids.

So, I cannot imagine your d NOT being affected by this. And who knows what it teaches your son about how to treat women...

ALSO, our youngest, D16, is now in therapy and takes ADs for depression. She's depressed and has anxiety issues that deeply sadden me to hear. We pulled her out of school b/c of this and She has gone on Indep study to avoid high school. She's also saying she's not "straight" in her sexual orientation (with various labels attached to that).

When I asked about whether some of her feelings, might be related to her r with her dad & our past marital challenges, she said "well it didn't help that he ignored me for years"...referring to his absence in the sep.

She also asked "would you rather have me be a slut to get male approval?"

She's a bright kid. But she's in some pain now. Maybe she has been for awhile. However I think it hit her more recently b/c she has awakened to love and desire and all the adolescent stuff but yet she has this painful R in her life, with her dad.

Thing is, My H tries, Melissa, he really tries. And his "crime," was his absence. I cannot think of a time when he was actually cruel to her, ever. Picky, yes, mean? No. Even in his weirdness, he always wanted time with the kids. CRAVED it.

Today, he's working very hard to undo the damage the sep and his choices have done. He says he'll "get naked if I need to (emotionally) and we can do group therapy or individual or I'll do a workshop with her...TELL ME WHAT TO DO to make it better." I wish we had a time machine.

B/C she shuts him out...and it hurts him. And I see that and I get it.
Of course I said this would happen, back then, but what use is there reminding him of that now? He knows it now!

All I can do is pass on to you, what I learned.

When I see the damage of my h's past absence on our daughters especially, and then I see your h's present, outrageous behavior,
I know you hope against hope that it won't harm her...

But I must tell you, sadly, that YES it will, and please get her help. Help her GAL as much as possible, (I swear I want to buy her a new fish). Also, animals do not "murder". When they kill it's b/c they hunt, they eat their prey, they kill competitors or if they feel threatened. It's not "murder"...

Protect her from his cruel idiocy.

And you know, if this is your option, meaning if this is HIM, then a divorce will not hurt her nearly as much as more time with him....


Finally, given all this, the very idea of your h having half custody reminds me of the adage in comedy that "Comedy is tragedy, plus some time"...b/c it's tragic that he's such a jerk right now, and it's hilarious that he thinks he'd be a decent father with that much time as a single parent.

Based solely on this interaction (the fish and his rejections of your d) makes me think you should ask that his visits be supervised. (I'm not really kidding, though I know how well it would be received...).

II hope your h gets help before his foolish cruelty harms his r with her, beyond repair. He really needs some IC. Maybe as part of the "parenting in divorce" classes many states require??

In sum, Your h has wronged you all, to be sure. But he's also doing you a huge favor by getting out of your life.

I'm so sorry that you are seeing this side of him. But he's a lost soul. He may be salvaged someday or somewhere, but You cannot save him. Your job is to protect the children from him in his present state.

Now I have even more hope that you'll finding a loving man, so your kids will have a healthy loving model of that in their lives.

Meanwhile, any positive male role models ought to be as involved in your kids' lives as possible. Show them alternatives to their dad...sorry M.

(((( ))))