Unlearning conflict avoidance - 10

[MrBond]

"I came down to breakfast at 5.30 this morning, when W and d were still eating, so earning a glare from my W, which I ignored."

Mindreading. You don't know if she intentionally 'glared' at you out of hatred or resentment. If it bothered you, confront her about it. Ask her if there was something wrong rather than ALWAYS staying silent.

"2. the band my daughter plays in has a gig in Stockholm tonight, to which W did not invite or tell me about."

Why should she? It's not her responsibility to tell you everything. In fact, your daughter probably told her AND she could have just as easily told you as well. But for some reason she didn't tell you. Maybe she thinks that you wouldn't be into it. Like 25 said, start opening up and sharing things with your daughter. Why don't the two of you actually play music together? Sounds like the most obvious thing to do. Play something fun and not some classical dead opera piece which is what I would imagine you playing. Play something contemporary or timeless like the Beatles or whatever. Just make it fun so the two of you actually laugh. Nothing breaks tension better than laughter and I have the feeling that you haven't laughed in awhile.

"I will tell her that it was rotten not to tell/invite me."

Again, it is not her job to tell you. She also doesn't need to "invite" you. Was she planning to go on her own?

"I used to think that marriage was two committed people being good to each other and that that was sufficient to keep it alive."

It is. HOWEVER, marriages (like all relationships) constantly evolve and grow. You have to learn how to adapt and communicate with each other while it's doing so. Your W told you time and time again that she wanted to see some kind of passion out of you and you didn't rise up to it. You've stayed in the same place you were 10 years ago.

"Now it seems you have to watch out for #1 first, and be ready to get off the train. Wonderful."

You've got it incredibly wrong and acting very naive for someone who has been here so long. I'm not sure how much you've actually learned.

"A distant relative of mine called yesterday, asking how we were and why she, a former close friend of my W, and now a brain cancer survivor, no longer heard anything from W. She asked me point blank if we were still together, to which I replied, yes, but it is difficult. I asked her to keep this between us and also why she asked: she said that W had told her maybe 7 years ago that she (W) was thinking of leaving. "

Which you already knew.