melissa

[melissag]

or you can see it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, you two will be able to co-parent reasonably well in the future...

Yes. It's just that old idea that if I am prepared for him to go back to jerk mode, that will somehow make it sting less. It's stupid, I know.

I am at the point where I am thinking like this. It's OK for me to play with him on the playground and talk about movies and the weather, but I need to just keep in mind that if I get too close to him, he will only hurt me. So I need to make sure I limit the interactions to superficial stuff that is of little consequence. He hasn't earned the right to any of the rest of it anyway. It's kind of a hard transition from H to this, but I think I can figure it out.

He DID tell her just before she remarried (weird a$$ timing if you ask me) that he had blown it. Said he "f- up" and that he was "truly sorry"...

but here's the deal. So what?

I mean sure it felt great for her to hear those words. I don't discount that and 493054 other people here, would do anything to hear them. I get that.

Honestly, I think if my H tells me that ten years from now, he will get a 360 round kick to the ground (I think I will be able to do that kick by then. )

Maybe I will feel differently then, but at this point, I feel like if he tears apart our family and then later decides he regrets it, that's the worst case scenario. Never mind me feeling vindicated - it would mean that the scars this will leave on our children were for naught.

We cannot care how they are doing "compared to" us. IF they get a raise, it does not mean we got a pay cut. Our job is to stay in our sandbox and make it as nice as we can. Not getting in theirs or throwing catpoop in it, just to be 'fair'.

LOL, 25!! I am laughing at the cat poop reference, but in all seriousness, this is something I still need to work on quite a bit. I caught myself being secretly pleased that my H would be met with torrential rain on his trip to SoCal last weekend, for example. It's not nice. And when you said not to throw cat poop in his sandbox, well, the thought of him digging around and finding cat poop (not that I have thrown in there, but just that some cat left there) sounded kind of good. It's on my therapy list, I promise.

All I'm saying is, there may come a time when you see that your h has done you a favor.

In some ways, I already do see this. I still have the idea that, with the right IC and MC, we could have figured out ourselves and each other and had a good life together, but, if we assume that he will never do that, then yes, D probably is best for me. I hate to say that, but tonight's incident with D just reminded me about how I felt like I was never allowed by my H to have feelings.

Like my x bil, your h may not be cut out for 'full time" parenting b/c to men like them, parenting is draining, not nourishing.

Yes. He has said this for years. He doesn't get the joy I do from the kids or the fulfillment I do from seeing their joy, successes, etc. Which makes it all the more annoying (and obvious that it's a manipulation tool) that he is suddenly demanding 50/50 time with them. I am not saying he gets no joy out of them. He does. But it's from when they do with him what he likes to do, or when they accomplish something he wants them to accomplish.

I only wish you had a fast forward button for this.

I have thought this a number of times, but then remember that means I would skip some portion of seeing my kids grow up. No thanks.

You will be happy again. You will love again and I believe you will be deeply loved back, someday. To a large extent, the question of "when?" Will be up to you.

It's so funny because I say this to other people and I believe it, 1000%. Yet I am still trying to convince myself it applies to me. At least I am at the point where I am open to it. A few months ago, I was like, forget it, I'm just going to go out and adopt 30 cats. (Thank goodness my D9 is allergic, so I couldn't.)