melissa

[25yearsmlc]

When the interactions are good, you can fall apart b/c of the dashed hopes, or the heightened expectations, that will crash the next day,etc

or you can see it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, you two will be able to co-parent reasonably well in the future...

and in time, you will. He may tell himself "oh but M was a bitch to ME so it could never work" or some such thing.

But when he's faced with more information and positive interactions that proves his "data" about you is inaccurate, or outdated (or wholly made up so he could justify leaving...) in time,

that positive data just keeps mounting. And as it does, it points to a MISTAKE (!!!!) on his end, which he will Not want to admit to, for a long time. Maybe never.

My older sister's h left her with 3 kids after 22 years of m. He sounds like what your h sounds like. Also a L, and always the taker in the m. My older sister is an RN and a more nurturing woman never lived. She was our 2nd mother at home, helping to raise her 8 siblings (she planned my wedding).

I knew when her h was leaving that ultimately, he was doing her a favor. Their whole m centered around HIS career, HIS hobbies and HIS happiness and HIS TEMPER was what caused 90% of the conflicts in their home. Almost every problem the kids had growing up, was related to his domineering critical ways.

HIS loss...b/c now his kids are grown up and not very interested in how HIS life is. He remarried a woman who "isn't great with kids"...(shocking) and whom he himself describes as "high maintenance" (thus proving the existence of Karma/God). He DID tell her just before she remarried (weird a$$ timing if you ask me) that he had blown it. Said he "f- up" and that he was "truly sorry"...

but here's the deal. So what?

I mean sure it felt great for her to hear those words. I don't discount that and 493054 other people here, would do anything to hear them. I get that.

Thing is, his happiness meter is not HERS and there is no misery index to even things out. We cannot care how they are doing "compared to" us. IF they get a raise, it does not mean we got a pay cut. Our job is to stay in our sandbox and make it as nice as we can. Not getting in theirs or throwing catpoop in it, just to be 'fair'.

My sister has more peace in her life now, and is better treated in her "new" marriage (of 11 years now) than she'd EVER have been with her xh. That's just true. In short, her x did her a favor by leaving.
Took her a lot longer to see that, than ME, but she does see it.

All I'm saying is, there may come a time when you see that your h has done you a favor.

He may have had one foot out the door or never really put both feet IN the family life to begin with.

Like my x bil, your h may not be cut out for 'full time" parenting b/c to men like them, parenting is draining, not nourishing.

I don't mean to say that parenting is NEVER draining; God knows it can be. But I'd have to adopt another kid or get a new job or teach or something, to fill those hours I would have spent hugging someone little...

You did not make up your life and you're not delusional about who he was. HE presented a side of himself that was/is decent.

But he has another side to him, that I think was not really "all in"....and MAYBE it's best for him to work that side out, or let it stay but reveal it.

I suspect your h does not know what he is losing b/c he never really had it, fully.

I only wish you had a fast forward button for this.

You will be happy again. You will love again and I believe you will be deeply loved back, someday. To a large extent, the question of "when?" Will be up to you.

((( )))