Unlearning conflict avoidance - 10

[25yearsmlc]

what they said^^^.. Please Luke, read those posts again.

Most of what I want to say is a rehash of their words so I don't want to do that. It's just beating a dead horse.

A few remnants...for breakfast, I'd have asked one of them to move over...no way would I have eaten alone in my room...OMG...I can't even imagine doing that in these circumstances. If it was rude of them, call your wife on it (never include your d in that. Lumping them together is toooooo simple for you. It absolves you of responsibility. Not cool).

Disclosure builds intimacy. You do not disclose to her, so she doesn't know you.

When you told her about the beet tart, I believe it was your act of service love language. But without anything added to the text other than "dinner is x", how would she know?

It's a small thing but if it had been done the past TEN years, who knows what it might have been for her? I mean, Why not say "I heard that you wanted something with beets in it! So I made X, just for YOU..."

The good news is that a child will PROBABLY always want some form of r with their parent.

Essentially what I think your d sees, is a man who is only comfortable in a teaching mode, vis a vis her.

Think for a minute about that^^. You do choose teaching type activities and OR very very passive ones.
Nothing that requires YOU to share of yourself. Do you see that?? Isn't it telling? It's as if you want a risk free activity with your own child...


You said you "shared some photos with" on iCloud. Shared with?

Sweetie, putting something in dropbox or on iCloud for them to look at on their computers, maybe while they are in their rooms all alone, is NOT "SHARING". Sitting next to them, or at least skyping, and talking to them about the photos, THAT would be sharing...

And you cannot meaningfully connect with your d by merely watching something, (even "The Office", which is hilarious) if you don't also share emotions or something of yourself.

I'm at a loss as to what to tell you at this point b/c you are not DOING what we are suggesting, and I don't believe you disagree with us.

You just RESIST. Is it fear or inertia or something so foreign or what? It's a block of some form. I do not understand it.

ALSO I still do not understand your comments about meet ups over there (though I recall that since you live with your MIL while here, your w probably would not suspect anything going on while here).

However, I don't believe your wife would 1) think of OW at those, 2) notice where you were going anyhow 3) care OR believe you were getting female attention at those meet ups in Sweden.

Really, I don't think she believes you can.

The idea that she'd take interest in what you were doing on a given day, AND THEN care about it, (which she has not done the past decade as far as I can tell) AND then she'd assume it meant OW (biggest leap of all) and then that would CAUSE her to find OM, is such a far reaching series of leaps, I feel like a mosquito at a nudist colony (I don't know where to begin...)

In sum, It's not realistic to me at all.

Nor do I think she's restrained herself from meeting other men either. I'm not saying "OMG there's an OM!!"

She's done whatever she wanted to do inside the m, and out. I mean, no offense, but why wouldn't she? What consequences would there have been for her? Your w has done and gotten exactly what she said she'd do and get. Can you tell us when your w has Not done what she wanted?

The reason your w is in the master bedroom & physically closer to your d, is because You left the master bedroom. You left, remember? That's what your d knows...b/c that's what your children saw.

And With no explanation from YOU, ever, they'd have to assume you chose that. And you did choose that. Yes Luke, you chose to leave the master bedroom. No one forced you out.

Though others have said it, it bears repeating b/c it's so important that it cannot be over emphasized....

It's this: You lumping your d in with your wife is wrong and, I'm sorry to say, pretty cowardly. Ten years here. Your d has only seen a shadow of you b/c you have refused to risk her seeing the real you. OTOH your w has probably shared herself, her fears and her joys and her dreams and her resentments....with your d. And from you, your d has gotten "ILY" and silence...and "lets' watch something or play a game that requires less verbal interaction than almost any other "game" around...all cerebral. Get out of your head.

Why you have not told anyone there, about the situation? I'm not saying you should dump all your problems in someone's lap, just share them! You can tell them if they have a brainiac idea for a solution, you'd like to hear it. At least then, someone over there, might know you...I mean, No wonder you're lonely.

Never sharing, never disclosing, means never having intimate relationships. That's what EE is about. Meaningfully connecting. You know this.

Think about 3 NEW ways to connect with your d, and act on at least one of them, every single day you have left with her.

That's my suggestion. At this point I don't know what you have left to lose.

Let her in.
(((( )))