I realized it has been awhile since I’ve posted about what is going on. Because I talk on FB with people from here, I’m thinking I’ve posted all this stuff to the forum too. For those of you who are reading this who are in the thick of the crisis, commit yourself to continuing to post updates. It’s these positive stories that helped get me through this and I want to be sure to give back as much as possible to help someone else.

I will also give you the heads up that it becomes very difficult to post here and read here. Things will get to a really good place in your life where you want to close the door on all of this, no matter what the outcome is. You’ll either be building a new marriage or reach the point that you are done and ready to move on. For me in building a new marriage, it was extremely difficult to read other sitchs. It was bringing up a lot of triggers, reminders, negativity, emotions. I never fully dealt with the pain of the abandonment and trust being broken, I got strong fast because I needed to. It was the best thing I ever did, for me, for the kids, and for H.
I am building a new marriage, but the old one is still there. That’s quite a lot to juggle, and I assume a very good reason for the advice to wait before getting into a new relationship after a breakup. You don’t have that luxury when building a new marriage with the same person you have been married to. It’s also unusual to rely on the one who hurt you the most, to bring you the most comfort. I was going to say “it’s difficult,” but it’s not difficult. It’s amazing that it just works out that way.

So getting caught up...

H continues to open up to me, about everything. I know he doesn’t want to talk about stuff. He says it’s very difficult to talk about the past. He feels embarrassed by it, shocked by it. He can’t believe we are talking about him. He is so upset that he hurt me. He also struggles with his memory. Things don’t fit into timelines. He can remember events, and remember why he felt the way he did about them. There are things that he did and things that I interpreted as one thing, where he knows he felt and thought something entirely different. His processes at the time of moving home were more than he needed to be here and he needed the security. He can see now looking back how he needed me, but he had already lost me and he didn’t know how to fix it. Subconsciously, it was just the only way he knew he could hold on.

I have talked to him about times when I knew his depression was so bad that I would come and pick him up and just force him to go on a drive with me and listen to music. I told him I thought being with the kids would help him. His reply was that it was me. I was the one he needed. I was the one who helped him go on.

His thoughts of suicide were rampant during our separation. He felt it would be the best for everyone. He would think about it, how to do it, when to do it. And it scared him too. It was a big reason he never started drinking. He knew that would likely be the catalyst to push him over the line that kept him from going through with it. He knew it would become an addiction. I told him I was glad for that, that the drinking would be much harder to give up. I told him that I was glad his form of “heroin” was easier to quit.

He dropped the ow, without the expectation of ever having me. He thought I had someone else or easily could. He was so attracted to how confident I was. He assumed that came with having someone, not on my own. Even when he moved back in after I just had the baby, he thought I must have someone else. I changed our bedroom about a month after he moved out, and he took that as me pushing him out, any memory of him, and that room was now for someone else. So when I told him there was no one, I am married, that my standards are extremely high, and I the men I would go with would never go with a married woman...that was one of many things that helped wake him up.

He dropped the ow out of his life because he was worried about losing me in his life. He needed me, as a friend. He needed me to not hate him. He never thought he could have a relationship with me again. He needed me to help him fix himself. And he said that he knew he had to do that himself and that I couldn't fix it. And I said, “But I was your light house.” And he said, “Oh my gosh, yes. That's exactly it. That is the perfect way to describe it.”

He also told me he had a very hard time with the thought of me being with someone else, but that made him feel like a hypocrite. He knew he needed me in his life, however he could. He knew how I felt about cheating. He knew there was no way I would ever accept him again. He always thought that I would care about him and look out for him, but he knew that whatever guy I had in my life was not going to be okay with H being part of my life the way he wanted to be.

I asked him if he ever thought about making a physical move when it was just the two of us spending time together, when he moved back home. He said yes, all the time. He said it was difficult not to. I asked if he was worried about rejection, and he said no. He said rejection would be easy to accept, because he deserved to be rejected. But he was most worried about offending me. He was worried if he did, I would be offended and stop hanging out with him. And that would be devastating.

The last few months we have been spending so much time together, doing new and fun things. We are taking multiple classes together, different cooking classes, going to concerts, doing dates, hanging out with other couples, going to dinner, movies, sporting events. We do a schedule together every week of things we have going on and make sure to schedule date nights and family time. H has become the man of the house, in a very good way. It’s amazing. He is really taking the lead, but also really thinking about things that I would like and trying to amaze and impress me. He is succeeding. I just need more hours in the day, as falling asleep at 3am in each other’s arms is really hampering on the amount of sleep I need. But my choice, right?

ML happens at least once a day. We’re getting pretty creative. He loves that I always come to bed in something sweet, because he knows it’s for him. He has even started doing this before bed too, like shaving or showering, and other things to make himself his best. I know before BD it was pretty simple, tshirt or sweats for me. I was comfortable, in a way I never want to get comfortable again.

I’ve talked to him about limerence, and he loves that I have a word for it. He says he will work the rest of his life to keep that feeling alive. I feel it too, in a way I never have before. It’s limerence, mixed with an incredibly deep love with a lot of history. And that feeling took some time to come back too. I started feeling it about three months after we first ML.

I've never felt so important to anyone, and at the same time, that he depends on me still to get through this. He is counting on me. I told him I never want to get comfortable again.

He calls me up all the time, to tell me he loves me. He is so head-over-hills crazy about me. He says his heart skips a best when I call or text him. He nearly crashed his car when he saw me once, he was so excited to see me. He is super embarrassed about that, but wow! Who does that, right? Some guy is that crazy about me??

He is still going to C and he sees his C more as a life coach. The C is super amazing, and has been really good for both H and I to work with.

I've talked to him about forgiving himself, and he said “later.” He said there is a lot he needs to make up for first. The guilt he carries around is something incredible.
And...I started wearing my ring. I sometimes forget it, but he never takes his off.

He says the sweetest, most incredible things to me all the time. This is something he said recently: "I owe you everything. I owe you my life. Do you realize that? You saved my life. I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine. I will give you anything. Everything."

Lots more to come. I am crazy in love with him and he rocks my world. I am married to the guy everyone wishes they were.

Thank you so much to everyone here. You have gotten me through the darkest moment of my life and into the brightest day. A day I could have never imagined was possible.


M38,H39
M:16Y
BD:8/12
OWDB:11/12
S:11/12-5/13
"Temp" home:6/13
OW dropped:9/13
"I love you":12/13
H ring on:2/14
Depression back:5/15
"I'm done:" 7/15
H moved out: 3/16
H moved back: 12/16
Working on us: 3/17