I think I felt scared. Scared of moving forward. Scared he is moving forward. Scared. A really creepy kinda scared where I'm on my own. But, I've been on my own.
Yes. I know I need to stop with the Forester. We've had some fun together and I'm going to ruin it by pushing. I know. It's fun. I spoke to him on the phone and we're cool. But, I need to back way the hell off. He told me on the phone that he is focusing on today.
The Jeep is getting a new starter. It should be done tomorrow.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Re: the electric bill - you might not be ABLE to change it into your name UNTIL he pays it off in full. Call your electric company and explain the situation to them.
Re: the $2500 for D's college - just where exactly are you expecting to come up with this? I hate to say it, but your D may just have to take a year off from school. The good news is, if you are divorced before the next FAFSA period, she will probably qualify for more aid. But realistically, with you making $1600 a month at best and Smokey refusing to contribute to her college expenses, she may just have to come home, get a job, and save up for school in a year or so. Is there a community college nearby that she could attend part-time?
Or, if you really want to keep her there, can she get an increase in student loans? What does the financial aid office there say?
You could learn a thing or two about sitting on your discomfort. I find it interesting that when you feel "rejected" by Smokey, you reach out for a text to send to the Forrester to get an ego boost from him that shows he "still" finds you attractive. Am I wrong here?
I do hope you do have some distraction method in place for when this happens. I find that when I am upset, I can feel myself strain for my mobile to reach out to Ms. Wonka or Cass. Then I distract myself with other activities until that "urge" passes. It is only a temporary thing and it usually gets better in the next day.
For me, Ms. Wonka and I recently texted this past Saturday/Sunday. Believe me, I WANNA continue this text-fest. But like the good ol' calm Wonka, I've put it out of my mind and wait for the next text from Ms. Wonka which will most probably happen in April.
Oh...and I wanted to come back to the comment about transferring the utilities over to your name. You are not alone in feeling suckerpunched by this so-called step toward splitting up stuff and onward to D. I'll never forget the day when Ms. Wonka told me that she's switched off the utilities over to me and I could barely say a word other than, "Thanks, I'll take care of it."
Guess what? I got through to the other side all in one piece.
Yes, Wonka. You are right about the ego boost. I hate it that you're right. Stinks that I do that.
I need to look at this. There are some nice men out there and I will send tgem running for the hills. What if they NEVER. Contact Me? What if Smokey was right to leave me?
Not buying that, but that's what runs through my head. And, it's a nice distraction to get attention from men. I feel safe?? Knowing a man is there. Hmmm...
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I would like for you to reframe this in a different way: For some reason, having my own utilities means he is really gone?? Wow. A part of me still can't believe it.
"Oh goodie, I am a strong and independent woman! I CAN take care of my OWN friggin' bills! YAY!"
There are some nice men out there and I will send tgem running for the hills. What if they NEVER. Contact Me? What if Smokey was right to leave me?
I have a lil' secret. We have ALL had this "Loser" sign blaring in our heads thinking we're damaged goods and who would want us?? Yep. I went through it after Ms. Wonka left me. So work through it and you will gain your self-confidence back. Look at me. I was able to date again and they found me attractive. (who wouldn't!! ) Give this some time. You don't need to find Mr. Right in 90 days!
Nobody is "right" to leave you. It is their chit and faulty thought process that clouds their perspective of the LBS.
I think going back to alanon would help you tremendously. Your relationship with your mother reminds me of my r with my mother. Your mother is not available.
In alanon I have found single mom friends that I can lean on instead of calling my mother or my sister who are generally not sympathetic.
I feel like a lot of what I miss with my xh is a partner not a lover. A lot of the partner conversations including financial and kid issues I talk through with my alanon friends. Like these boards it makes me feel less alone
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
What if your self image didn't revolve around the way a man perceives you?
What if you can have self esteem and a positive self image and learn to soothe yourself rather than reach out to man to do it for you?
I need to think on this one. I do feel that I'm only as valuable as I am attractive/sexy/appealing to the opposite sex.
Partly, though, as far as the soothing goes...I think I feel more plain fed up with having no one to lean on. I've been going it alone --like we all have-- and I'm sorta fed up with having to go without human touch/affection/comfort. There's only so many hugs a friend or your mom can give. I've really been longing for a man to just hold me. I'm tired of being strong and "together" for the sake of my kids and I want so desperately to have a soft place to land, just for a bit.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
^^^ this is what I call the 'slippery slope' where you seek dates to meet your need for companionship out of neediness, feeling lonely, confidence boost. When you feel these feelings, it tells you that you are not ready to date.
In my case, I deliberately fought against dating again because I wanted to address the very exact feelings first before I can start dating again from a position of strength and self-confidence. Without the internal self-work, then the next relationship will be fraught with tension, frustration, and unhappiness which does NO ONE any good. It is for this reason why I urge people not to get into rebound relationships too quickly.
It is something that one needs to decide for herself/himself and where they're at in their journey. I'd like to think that, generally speaking, DBers have a leg up here more than the rest of the general population because the mantra here is to work on YOU and do 'a post-mortem autopsy on the M' to borrow from one of Bets' brilliant gems.
