LFC, first regarding your son, ALL kids go through pain and suffering, your son isn't unique. I see this attitude around here (not from you, just speaking in general) that if only the WAS hadn't done this, the kids would be living perfectly happy lives. If people really think that then they are completely out of touch with the struggles their kids are going through. I remember when I was a kid people would say to me "enjoy it, this is the best time of your life!" I would think "are you kidding? It only gets WORSE from here??" Growing up is tough and it hurts. Anyway, whatever you do, don't blame your W or reflect that to your S in any way. Figure out how you and your W as a TEAM can help him through this. You have to look at your sitch as coparents rather than husband/ wife.
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If u are not to believe 100% of the WAS says and 50% of what you see then how can u discern if you are actually making progress or not? Does it only relate to positive/negative attitudes?
For ex: I had a couple of short term goals, both were met.
1) I wanted her to come out and watch a movie with me. She's done this. 2) I wanted her to come out and play one of her favorite video games. She's done this.
I understand the concept laid out in DR of "baby steps", but unfortunately they don't always mean things are getting better. I could give you a list of a thousand baby steps I saw from W, and yet here I am about 2 weeks from the D being finalized. So don't read too much into the baby steps. In DR it says to celebrate them internally while continuing for DB'ing externally, I think that's the best approach.
AS, sobering thought. My boy though is hypersensitive and overdoes things a typical developing 10 yr old wouldnt. What will happen when he has something to really get upset about. not looking forward to that.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
3/02/14 Okay, just got that movie that mlc25 recommended. I offered w to sit down and watch it with me. She said maybe. Hopefully she does. that will be interesting.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
I remember when I was a kid people would say to me "enjoy it, this is the best time of your life!" I would think "are you kidding? It only gets WORSE from here??" Growing up is tough and it hurts.
Really? I don't think that's true for everyone. I don't recall being a kid to be hard at all. I do recall in high school when I was waaaaaaaayyy smarter than my stupid parents, but other than that . . .
"I understand the concept laid out in DR of "baby steps", but unfortunately they don't always mean things are getting better. I could give you a list of a thousand baby steps I saw from W, and yet here I am about 2 weeks from the D being finalized. So don't read too much into the baby steps."
I can't recall, does DR even talk about baby steps in this situation, or is that only when the M is still intact?
I don't think that noticing baby steps is bad, but like AS said, it's reading into them too much that's the problem. (I am not sure there is a way to notice and not read into them, though, honestly.) I got great and very quick results from DBing - my H and I got along fabulously during the six weeks between BD and him moving out. He mentioned the changes many times. He even said he admired me for them, and it made him remember why he married me. But here we are five months later and he still wants a D.
That's why I think that really, once you are here, you need to be putting the vast majority of your focus on YOU and not your W. Just my $.02.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It stinks when stuff like that happens. You've done a good deed so you can feel badly about yourself. I guess that's why they preach detachment though.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
This is so sobering that when I look at my wife tonight i am filled with anger for no real reason.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one! I think it's natural for us to feel anger toward them. I actually think that may be a little bit healthy. It may allow us to not pursue as much. Given the situation we are both in, I think a little bit of anger just shows we're human. We just have to keep that anger in check.
Also, don't let the unnoticed deeds bother you too much. That happens with me a lot. My W goes out of her way to keep me from doing nice things for her. In the past, I did tons of house chores. Now when I come to the house, the dishes are washed, the laundry is done, and there's literally NOTHING to get done. I told her one night I was staying at the house to leave the dishes and I'd do all of them after the kids dinner was done. She said that she didn't want me cleaning up her mess. I know our wives aren't the same people, but with my wife she would see any gesture like that (even though we've done it for years) as me trying to take care of her. And I'm the LAST person she wants any help from at the moment. Even if it's something small. Because that means she'd have to be nice to me and say "thank you."
Remember, they're doing everything in their power to hate us. More than likely, they really don't hate us at all, they just want to. And doing nice things like that makes it harder for them to hate us.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
It stinks when stuff like that happens. You've done a good deed so you can feel badly about yourself. I guess that's why they preach detachment though.
Bloody phone. Badly = good.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
