I did google that labug, thank you. And forwarded to my daughter. They have those joint aa/alanon speaker meetings once a month, I haven't been to one yet but I want to because there's a lot to the experience I don't fully understand.
Felt a little sting of rejection this morning. I saw H at d16's concert last night, spoke briefly, laughed a little, he initiated a hug when we left. All pretty casual. He texted about meeting for coffee this morning because he had some insurance stuff delivered to him that was mine. Easy conversation with nothing much personal. We made a plan to take care of taxes this week. He had just come from the gym and I complimented him, said he's looking good & it's really good to see him taking care of himself. He volunteered that he hasn't been drinking 'much' and the medication is really helping. I asked what kind of workouts he's doing and he describes training for a 12k in May. This man does not run... lol. The marathon is 6 hours away across the state, so my mind races to who's he doing it with?
These are all really great actions for h and I'm thrilled he's taking care of himself, he'll be a happier h and a better father. But the thought of him making plans and training with unknown people for future events that don't include me really brings out my insecurities. Not to mention that in a dream marriage we would have been doing these events together.
In the last few years that we were together I got really fit and into working out and doing mud runs and 5k, but I did it all on my own or with a friend after he left. Now he's doing the same activities in a parallel fashion. It's just strange and unfortunate that we can't share these activities we both enjoy.
Most of all, it's very easy for me to be compassionate and feel sorry for h thinking he's lonely and down. But I haven't had to face a healthy h in a long time and don't really know how to. It's scary for some reason. I'm able to see the real imbalance in our previous relationship and on the inside I'm cheering for his success but don't know how it relates to a relationship with me.
Which leads to -
Quote:
What are you fooling yourself about?
Today I see that it's my insecurities speaking, but I think my standing efforts are me fooling myself that h will ever be interested in me as a marriage partner again. That it may be the more graceful option for my self esteem to bow out soon and end the marriage we had. With the evolution of this growth - I would have done anything at first, I wanted to rebuild our marriage and family. I still can't picture a future apart, especially in relation to our kids, but I accept now that our marriage is over and can't be rebuilt. A new marriage possibly, and I'd like to think with new, healthy players, but it doesn't seem likely to ever start. H is moving on... and running. And I still feel so threatened and insecure about his new life apart from our family.
I have more work to do... I want to be open to growth in myself and h and wouldn't want a relationship with the old h anyways. So why does hearing his progress make me feel so rejected? This is a me problem I need help understanding.
