She says I hold grudges worse than anyone she knows. Okay...I do like to remember little things and bring them back up, usually just to taunt (trying to 180) but nothing vindictive or hurtful that I can think of ever
My w says the same thing but by our w calling us out on it and making us suffer are they not holding grudges just as bad? My wife says I hold grudges all the time but then she gets to withhold sex for 11 yrs. Is this not holding a grudge? makes no sense to me!
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
I'm hoping her "mood" will get a little back to normal after she's had some time to calm down a bit from that. I appreciate their family feeling like they need to talk some sense into her but in all honesty, "I've got this." And if I don't "got this," then that's just the way it's going to be and she'll have to live with her decisions.
They can be supportive of me and the prospects of our marriage WITHOUT getting in her face about it. My W doesn't hate me and she's even told me that she defended me to them back when we first separated stating that it isn't all my fault, I'm her husband, I'm a good guy, etc. Neither of us want us to have a strained relationship w/ each other's family if for some reason things do work out. I told my family something similar even though it would have been VERY easy to throw her under the bus when we first separated. And lord knows I have justified reasons for doing so. But I don't want that.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Bottom line is this-- Your W thinks that you hold grudges. And, as Byron Katie says, "when you argue with reality, you lose 100 percent of the time." That you hold grudges or that she doesn't may not be true, but that's her reality. This means that you need to stop the grudge-holding and taunting whether it's fair or not if you want her feelings to soften toward you. As a woman I can say that I really don't like that in a guy. Do what works. JMO.
She says I hold grudges worse than anyone she knows. Okay...I do like to remember little things and bring them back up, usually just to taunt (trying to 180) but nothing vindictive or hurtful that I can think of ever
My w says the same thing but by our w calling us out on it and making us suffer are they not holding grudges just as bad? My wife says I hold grudges all the time but then she gets to withhold sex for 11 yrs. Is this not holding a grudge? makes no sense to me!
This is absolutely hysterical. When my wife said "she still feels like she has to be careful what she says around me," I'm pretty sure it means that she will say something I "may" use against her down the road. And by using it against her, I would just mention it in conversation.
For instance, when we agreed to separate. I was literally sitting right there when she told her parents that we were separating for a little while, that it's not life-altering, that we just need to take a timeout from each other.
We go to the MC one time (11 days after she told her parents that) and she tells me that she doesn't think our marriage can work, she's as happy as she's been in years, and that "she's just done."
I say "so when you told your parents that we were just separating for a little while, it's not life-altering, and that we needed a timeout....you were just lying?"
W says: (looks at the MC) and says "see what I mean, he holds everything I say against me and I can't say anything to him without fear he'll bring it up months or years later."
I say: "You said that less than two weeks ago."
W says: ....................
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Bottom line is this-- Your W thinks that you hold grudges. And, as Byron Katie says, "when you argue with reality, you lose 100 percent of the time." That you hold grudges or that she doesn't may not be true, but that's her reality. This means that you need to stop the grudge-holding and taunting whether it's fair or not if you want her feelings to soften toward you. As a woman I can say that I really don't like that in a guy. Do what works. JMO.
Agreed. And I've been doing that since 2/14 with great results up until this weekend. I could have brought up SO MUCH STUFF yesterday if I wanted to sink to her level and I didn't.
I'm getting better at this....slowly but surely. Bringing up stuff she said from the past won't help me or our marriage.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
This is why this board is so great. I really just needed to vent about this. I know what to do when I'm in front of her and I did that for the most part. But it's still good to come here and vent because she was totally out of line yesterday. The first time that's happened and I was tested....and held it together.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
W seemed to be in a little better mood last night & this morning. She still pretty distant and when we do talk it's pretty brief. Had a good workout last night and I'll probably hit the gym again tonight. Then I get to stay at the house for four nights in a row with my kids! WOOHOO!
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
For instance, when we agreed to separate. I was literally sitting right there when she told her parents that we were separating for a little while, that it's not life-altering, that we just need to take a timeout from each other.
We go to the MC one time (11 days after she told her parents that) and she tells me that she doesn't think our marriage can work, she's as happy as she's been in years, and that "she's just done."
Here is how you SHOULD have replied to this: "I'm sorry you're done but I understand why you feel this way and I am glad you're happy now, because more than anything I just want you to be happy."
Because this response... "so when you told your parents that we were just separating for a little while, it's not life-altering, and that we needed a timeout....you were just lying?" ...is just awful. Not only did you insult her by calling her a liar, but you made it worse by saying it in front of another person. And you completely negated her feelings/ emotions in the process. Her feelings are REAL to her, even though they may change from 2 weeks ago to today. Your job is NOT to point out the inconsistencies in her feelings because she KNOWS they're changing. She wants support in what she's going through, not someone to tell her she's wrong or a liar because THAT is "more of the same" behavior that landed you in this sitch to begin with. When she talks, just listen and validate. Do not argue/ reason/ beg/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree.
