Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[dingo]

hi guys - I just wanted to post a quick update to my situation. Its been a week since my last post and nothing really substantial has changed. My wife still seems to be looking for a magic button (i guess like i was/still am(?)) and is a little frustrated that her feelings for me haven't returned. That seems to be her major complaint now - that she just doesn't feel in love.

Her actions are still pretty erratic. She'll tell me that we don't want the same thing anymore. I ask her what it is that she wants and she says she doesn't know/can't describe it. She'll tell me that she doesn't want to hang out but then will come over to the house and spend an evening watching our shows on DVR with me, will fall asleep with her head in my lap, etc. She'll tell me she wants a divorce because shes sick of not knowing what she wants and just has to pick a path and then a day later will ask to borrow some of the books I am reading so she can work through things more. All of the above mixed in together in a blender, and set to puree.

I have been very even keeled throughout it. I don't let the daily ups and downs affect my mood, what I say or how I treat her. I feel like I am patient and understanding and do just listen to her most of the time. Truth be told, I don't really have much new to say about it to her anyway. She reads relationship books, she has an academic grasp of affairs and now its up to her to do what she will. I have also found that if, when she is on the downswing and frustrated/wanting to get divorced, if i just say ok and not discuss it further, she comes back around faster than when I would address it head on.

I don't really know what the situation is with the OM. The last time she talked about it, she had run into him somewhere and he approached her. She told him that she had been hanging out with me again and that they still were not to talk. She did post some pictures of her and I together on facebook so I don't think she is hiding that from him. That being said, I don't think she is completely over him yet - hence (possibly) the lack of feeling for me.

So whatever - its not great but its not as bad as it could be. Am I detached? On a short term basis, yes. The general ups and downs of her journey don't really faze me anymore. However, I am definitely NOT detached enough that if she actually did start to take action towards the D, I would be ok with it. Something to consider and work on. I think my general mindset is that if she was really going to leave me for the OM, it would have happened a few months ago when they were really seeing each other a lot. She knows that she can go back to it and either 1. Call my bluff or 2. force me to push the D. I think/hope that she is still working through the end of that R and when she finally does, we'll be in a better position to address things.

So I know bug is going to ask me what this means for me. So preemptively, here goes: It means that I still have some detaching to do. It means that while the situation is relatively acceptable now (compared to where it was a month or so ago), its still not what I want - a committed relationship. It means that I still have to be patient and work on being ok without her. I still struggle with whether I should be darker than I am (we hang out about twice a week and we almost always have a great time together) or if I should be taking advantage of every chance I get to show her who I am and that we can have a good time together. I still have work on myself to do - mostly with wanting to be the fixer, and have all the answers and not really listening just to listen. Its coming along better and better every time though.