A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

[ForeverYoung]

Sounds like another case of "Must crash and burn before he see's the light".

You are very wise to back yourself far away from the wreckage.

Now is not the time to waver. May you find much strength and peace on your path, 2T2M.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks T-Boned and FY. It's so nice to be able to come here and get support.

You're right. I talked to a couple of employees tonight and they see through his charade. It's kind of funny ... one of them said he was trying to play the same game on her as he plays on me. She said she was not going to let her guard down. He's telling them he will buy me out of the company, which is good news for me financially, but I have no clue as to how he would accomplish that .... I want my money up front and the money is not there.

We texted tonight and I told him that we are not at war. He's still playing the it's your fault that people think about me the way they do.

I have to figure out between now and tomorrow how to make him know that I will proceed with D but let him know that the door is cracked if he is willing.

I just have to come to the full realization that I may have to go through with it. But, it will take time and time right now is a gift.

[T-boned]

Hi 2T2M - sorry I didn't catch your post last night - went to a neighbors house shortly after my post to you and did not get home until 10:30pm. Turned off the computer and went to bed.

Yes, you are so right - time is a gift, so take as much as you want. The decision, whatever it may be, will show itself to you in due time.

And I am a firm believer of leaving the door somewhat ajar, although where I am at this point, the ajar is narrowing. But I've had a lot more time to deal with this compared to you. So don't feel you have to do anything now - you're going to go back and forth on this one because it is a huge step. There is still a lot of emotion involved. Last week I was the strongest I've been about detaching - felt sooo detached. So ready to get him out of my life - he could take his little pseudo-family and have a nice life. But this week, I'm feeling like I'm crumbling a little. I'm having a case of the 'misses.'So there you go . . .

Why do you have to figure out between now and tomorrow how to make him know you will proceed with the D? Is he going away?

[2Times2Many]

Hi T-boned. H was coming over to do some tax stuff and I knew he would want to talk. And we did. He's been very busy seeing a L and accumulating docs to get each other off bank accounts. He wanted to divide up some cash and stuff we had at the house so he could put it in his new safe deposit box.

H said he had been to a temple over there and had so some sort of awakening ... that he realized he had to put aside his anger and treat his enemies the same as he would treat a friend.

He was very calm, said he accepted that we were getting a D and was only concerned about running his business and wanted nothing more. He said he was going to start taking care of himself (uhh... I thought that was what he's been doing all this time??)

He said he wants our CPA to value the business, divide it down the middle and buy me out over time. He doesn't want to do a financial disclosure because he doesn't want it "on the public record." Seems suspicious to me.

He said he was in no hurry and told me to take all the time I needed to get things done. He said he didn't expect all would be finalized until about October. So, he's in a hurry to separate and divide financial stuff, but wants us to take our time finalizing the D??

He is behaving so differently from the way he has behaved during the past 6 months. He has been carrying around a lot of anger and had a hair trigger. Now he is completely calm. He's trying to repair R's that have been stormy, getting closer to his brother, being more friendly and not as controlling at the office. It's like a new alien has taken over. He is behaving more like his old self and insists he is a different person than the one he has been for over a year.

I am going to have to think on this one ... not sure if he is being genuine or not. I suspect that he has working on patching up relationships with employees he hates because he knows he needs them to run the business here when I leave. I have always believed that helping in the business was the only reason he still "needed" me in his life.

We talked a lot about trust and I said I wanted to trust him, but he had to give me some proof that the A was over. He swore it was, but even after telling him what I needed to see (cc statements, phone texts) he didn't volunteer to "prove" anything. I believe the R with OW is alive and well .... mostly based on her Facebook page.

I let him know that this whole process saddened me but did not back down on wanting a D and did not object to the bank acct stuff or fairly dividing what was here at the house.

He was here all day, we went out to dinner and he gave me a hug and brief kiss before he left.

So that's where it stands ... I don't know if he is playing nice so I won't be as demanding as I could be in D or if he really has doubts that he wants to go through with this. I guess only time will tell.

[2Times2Many]

Just thinking out loud ... or on a keyboard ...

H wants a valuation of the company done by our CPA. He then wants us to sit down and work out the division of the assets, business and personal, and come to an agreement. He then wants to sit down with our attorney's, sign our agreement and file for D.

He does not want to provide a financial disclosure. He does not want me to file right away because "we would have to meet deadlines, there would be postponements and the judge would get irritated."

Needless to say, I don't trust him. Does he think I will change my mind? Is he delaying because he's not sure? Is he just trying to save money on attorney's fees? Does he think he can smooth talk me into an agreement that is more in his interests that mine? What's the motive in "let's take this slow?"

Looking forward to seeing my L this week.

[kml]

He does not want to provide a financial disclosure.

Huge red flag here. It's a standard part of divorce - you disclose all your assets, he discloses all of his - otherwise how can you come up with a fair division?

The only reason I can think of for him not wanted to disclose his assets, is that he's hiding something.

[T-boned]

Gotta agree with kml on this one. Be very careful with him right now. Sounds like he may be trying to 'work' you a little on the emotional end to gain something or to keep you from asking for what is rightfully yours. Try to get yourself, if you haven't already, into thinking about this as purely a business transaction. Be very business-like - set your emotions aside. Easier said than done for some of us, but so necessary so we don't get taken advantage of.

I'll get a crack at it in a couple of weeks - something I'm not looking forward to but hoping I can pull off because I think my H may not make out as well as he hopes to. And if that happens he will not be pleasent to deal with. Has already said if he doesn't get X amount of dollars out of this, he "may not be so generous," whatever the h_ll that means...

Hang in there!

[kml]

Also, get copies of every financial statement you can get your hands on, ASAP. Does he have money in 401ks or IRAs? How much? Run a credit check on him to see if he's been taking out loans you don't know about. Take half of any joint accounts and put it in a separate account (to protect you against him draining the accounts).

Run EVERYTHING by your attorney - they will be hip to these tricks.

And, are you comfortable with your CPA doing the business valuation, or do you think you need an outside auditor? Do you think you might need a forensic accountant? (Sometimes these guys are very clever at hiding money).

[2Times2Many]

No, I am not comfortable with out CPA doing the eval and will insist on someone independent.

We signed docs today to make joint bank accounts individual accounts. I got a little bit emotional, but told him that the steps were not easy. He said that so far we hadn't done anything that couldn't be undone.

I got copies of bank statements last week on the one account I didn't have info on. Not really anything there. But I don't know where he may have stashed money ... probably overseas.

I have made copies of everything I could get my hands on.

He's been back for about a week now and is not acting at all like he has for months. He is calm and not at all angry, no matter what I say or do.

He showed up here unexpected yesterday afternoon and said dinner plans with his parents fell through. I invited him to stay for dinner and we actually had a nice evening ... talking about dumb stuff we did when we were kids and other things we haven't talked about in years.

Then he started in on how much it would cost to rent an apartment and that he needed a bed. He said he didn't want to take the one in the guest room ... that wouldn't be fair to me because I would have to replace it. He talked about how bad the hotel he is staying in is and said there wasn't another one convenient to the office here. There were a couple of other things ... like where to put his clothes until he found a place, etc. I didn't volunteer to help him out at all and just let him talk.

We talked about his sports car which I love to drive occasionally. He took it to our warehouse and parked it in an empty unit we rent. I had told him two days ago that I was going to miss being able to drive it once in a while and felt like I was being punished (I put that in a light-hearted, joking way). Yesterday, he said that it bugged him that I said I thought he was punishing me. We'll see if it bugged him enough to bring it back before he leaves at the end of the week. If not, I may bring it back myself! Probably not a good idea, huh??

Tonight he took me to dinner again and we talked a little R stuff again -- he instigated. He keeps saying he loves me but knows he can't be the husband I need. I told him that I wanted to trust him, but like Reagan said .. trust, but verify. I said I haven't been able to verify.

I also told him that I thought I had put a lot into our business, didn't take much out (not as much as he had) and had to ask myself ... where is my reward for all this work? I think he got the impression that I expected to get what I deserved and I do!

I talked a little about the other woman and asked him if he were in the same financial condition that he was when I met him, would she have become involved with him and if his world fell apart and he became dirt poor tomorrow would she still stick around. He did not answer and for the first time he did not deny that she was still in the picture.

I am beginning to feel that he is determined to go his own way but feels guilty about it. He keeps saying he will always be here to help me out if I need it.

I am so confused. One minute he seems like he regrets the direction things are going and is on the verge of saying he doesn't want this and the next he is acting like all is good with him and this direction.

I don't know if he is trying to manipulate me, play on my sympathy, trying to get back to the status quo for him (cake-eating) or what the heck is going on.

He is so different than he has been for months. I can't figure it out and I don't quite know how to deal with it.

I will proceed with the D course ... that has had some impact, but am preparing myself for the distinct possibility of having to go the distance. I am looking forward to seeing the attorney later this week. As KML says, I am sure he knows all the tricks.

Oh, he told me that he read my horoscope for 2014 a few days ago and it said I should not make any life altering decisions this year. He said his horoscope said this would be the worst year he would have in the past 10 or next 10 years. WTF????

[job]

To me, it sounds like he's detached quite a bit and yes, generally once the ball starts rolling on divorce, they follow through. In their minds they have do this no matter if it's the biggest mistake of their lives. Of course, when they say that they will always be there for you, they are hoping to be friends, but also thinking that you will be right where he left you, if he should ever wake up. Unfortunately, time doesn't stand still and we all have to move on and do the things that we need to do for ourselves and in some cases, we do meet new people and begin again.

I know you've been trying to figure him out...you can't. He's operating on pure emotions and isn't thinking rationally, nor will he listen to any rational talks. Yes, it may appear to be listening, but in many cases, they will continue on their destructive paths.

However, please remember...if he should wake up and come to you, you ultimately will be the one to determine whether to reconcile or continue moving forward.

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this.