WAW seems confused

[LITB]

Why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to spend quality time with your kids?

[ManHope]

I can. Certainly. But what I am saying is that my response was to let her choose which day because I am not the one who is pushing separation.

She asked me again a few mins ago if I wanted the kids today or tomorrow and I told her "my choice is to spend time with my family 7 days a week, so I leave it up to you because you are the one pushing this" I now think it may not be the right thing to have said but I wanted her to know I am indifferent to the choice.

[paul19510]

Choose your battles.

[unbidden]

Goodness, she seems like she's trying to be cooperative. This is a day- by- day fight. Don't blow all your powder every day and die on every hill. Just pick a day, thank her, and enjoy the kids. Leave her with a positive interaction.

[ManHope]

Ok. So I went up to her and told her I am fine hanging with them any time and then she said "well, the day is halfway over and I have been stewing for the past hr and I had a list of things to buy for my work and it seems I won't have time for everything now" so I told her she can do things with the kids today and tomorrow as well, I can hang with the kids for parts of the day. She said: "well. I don't want to take your time with them" so I said: "dont worry about me" and she stayed quiet. I also asked her to show me her list of things to do and asked if she needed help with anything. I volunteered to help in a couple of her items so sweeten the deal.
At the end she said: "you know we need to tell the kids about this. I can't stand living like this" (as in living while hiding our issue from the kids) and I just remained quiet. And that caused her to drop elaborating on that. She got up and then started to gather her stuff to leave.

I was calm and collected thorough it all.

[LITB]

You have time to help her knock some things off of her list, but you are passive to commit time to your kids? I understand you are still early in this and things are difficult to see. Don't take your time with your children for granted!!!

Also, your W knows where you stand. No need to tell her that you want your family together 7 days a week. You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into. As cliche as "actions speak louder than words" is, it holds complete truth.

Keep this question at the forefront of your mind when interacting with your W..."Does what I am about to do get me closer to my goal or further away?" Much of DB'ing is counterintuitive. It is a learned skill.

[paul19510]

I don't mean to add too much but if she's a WAW why are you offering to help her? Offering help to my WAS got me nowhere fast. She hated it. You don't have to be a jerk, but stop being so nice. Be a dad, play with your kids and let your W act like the grown woman she is

if you get divorced are you going to offer to help her? if she's a WAS, then right now, she doesn't want a H. So don't worry so much about being like a H. be a good dad and a great friend and see where that takes you. Just my 2 cents. Trust me, I already went down this path....

[ManHope]

Any time she tries to talk about D or our relationship I avoid it. So no, I don't and don't plan to ever assist with anything related to divorce. If she insists, I tell her I don't support it. So the conversation usually ends there.

Ex: we were discussing details for our daughter's bday and I was listings things I could do to help. She was worried about money and I told her I could get an extra draw to help. She then brought relationship talk and mentioned that I am selectively helping on things because I havent spoken to her about the D or about talking to the kids. Thats when I told her it was late and we needed to sort the party details. I said "we should talk about that another time" gracefully and we resumed talking about the events we were planning.

So, I am trying to be careful and not allowing relationship or D talk.

[nit84]

It is ok if WAW bring ups R talks.

You must then validate and empathize at this point.

Biggest thing is to LISTEN! become the best listener ever.

[paul19510]

MH you still have your W in the house with you and so, you have time and opportunity to "show" what you are about and what you are interested in. Show her who you are and further more, becomes someone you enjoy being. and...don't do it because it'll win her back...just do it because it'll "win you back"

By 'offering help' in my previous post I am referring to offering unsolicited help.

In the days just before my W's planned exit(the week after thanksgiving) we hosted a our thanksgiving meal at our house for her parents. After dinner she was going to the barn to finish evening chores. She asked me to load water canteens that are heavy into the back of her truck at the house. I was in "helpful mode" thinking it would show her something. I offered to come to the barn and do chores with her and off load the water jugs there. She declined. she only wanted me to do what SHE ASKED for. I overextended and offered the rest. She was not happy with that at all.

Over the months that we've been living separately, mr helper came out again 3 times. All were refused (politely mind you...but nonetheless...refused).

Looking back on it now, my W was shredding me to people including my kids. She was completely and utterly unhappy with me and her "life". My offers to help looked needy or pursuit -like. do what she asks and be great at that. don't add your own ideas to it. Trust me. it doesn't win you any points.

I recently filed for D. I wanted to be free of my bond for reasons I won't delve into here on your thread. Looking back at the years of struggling with her at home, I now see some missed things that might have made a different. Although I think what happened to me and W was really inevitable. she had her own demons and I wanted her to be someone she was not. That's not a recipe for success.

If you started as friends and you truly loved one another at some point...and things just "changed" over time, you have a chance. you have a better chance than if she's not living with you. Pick you battles wisely and stop telling your W things she already heard...like, "...I want to be a family..." I did it too. She already knows. trust me she's not deaf.

please do not take my words as harsh. They are only said with passion so that you "hear" me. many of us wish we had the chance you do now.

be confident, courteous and consistent. be you best you because it makes YOU happy.

blue skies