Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

Thank you Val I have been thinking about this. Since I last posted my anger has dissipated - I did accept it and I think I worked through it. My anger was mostly at things I cannot control- H's decisions. Also that I was getting caught up in the emotional roller coaster again. I was angry. Angry because I am feeling anxious and sad. I'm lonely and tired of my sitch. I was going through moments of wanting to stop this. I realised I am wanting to move on from the sitch, but not h.

Ok- so back to basics. It's my choice. I am choosing this now ( this is what is meant by us having the final say perhaps?). Reality check- things have shifted. Whether it's my DB Ing or h slowly waking up or a combination or just an aligemt of the stars - there is something changing. But I got too hopeful too soon. And that made me angry too. I almost want to sabatage whatever is happening naturally, so I know where I stand again. That's a big issue I have to deal with now.

See- over the past few weeks h and I have chatted a bit- not about us per se but about the kids. Much more openly and on 'equal' ground than the past. Yes he is more receptive and forthcoming. We wen had two night time talks about the kids ( and he ended up telling me some stuff about him like doctors appointments he had), where as usually we have not spoken or even texted in the evening for years.

I'm really trying to just sit and observe. I've thrown out a couple of 'feelers' for lack of a better term. For example, he said he is coming in the next week. There is a big annual party that all of our friends are going to that he is no longer invited too. I said to him if he is around would he like to come with is all and he said yes ( he can come with me as my guest). But I made it as 'all of us' going (his old gang) which is the truth- we all go as a group - not 'couples'. I was surprised he said yes but pleased ( now we'll see if he actually arrives in time)

But just the nature of our interactions seem easier. Less 'wall' to try and talk through.

He has not in anyway opened up or initiated big talks or anything. That's fine. At the end of the day my foremost priority is me and kids on a day to day basis. And I have refocused on that. I am however also very aware that H is alone. No parents, no real friends and no family. He seems to be reconnecting with old friends.

Anyway- enough about H. I am doing much better after going through my anger. It was 'refreshing' to be able to accept it and understand that it is a feeling that will pass and know I have the skills to deal with it and understand it. Busy with work and exercise, kids and their activities. Have been having several movie nights with my girlfriends which has been fun and have been reading a lot. Last !

weekend both kids were out all day and I almost Didn't know what to do!
So I poured a drink and watched amovie. Was great!

Am doing well overall right now. I will take it and keep going with it.