own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

[makingmagic]

Let me re-word myself, not to insult.

I am unable to express what I am trying to say to you. (responsibility):

In January you wrote:

"Actually living what you are acting is probably going to be the most compassionate thing you can do for him. I do know exactly what you should do to attract him back. But all that doesn't matter if you haven't even changed yourself in the first place. I wouldn't want to subject him to that."

I have been super compassionate towards him, I have allowed him to talk to me during "cofee time". I have allowed his comfort and connection visits over costco and train trips. I do my best to listen (although I would like to be better). I feel that if I enable his friendship with OW than he will not be in any hurry to have to make a choice.

I struggle with this, as many of you know.

Some of you say maintain the boundary and some say, allow the friendship and follow his lead.... I am doing both. Probably not a good idea!

Bond, when you suggest that you know EXACTLY what I should do to attract him back. THIS is what I am wanting to hear. I am ready to listen. The only piece of advice on this "attraction" I recall, is you suggesting slight touches. I have been doing this.

You encourage me to not require validation, to stand behind my own decision... when I made the decision to have a boundary.. you DID challenge me on it. How is that falling back on an old habit? I invite you to explain... I am listening.

I am not trying to prove anything to you. I ask that you start to believe that I have been listening and acting on what you suggest.

Here is where you are wrong Bond. You are assuming again that I am believing that I am being tricked. I am not. I also do NOT believe that he has ulterior motivess. So, stop commenting and suggesting and basing your advice believing that I am. I have been having these coffee times with him. Although, it feels like I am going against the boundary that I made. I have heard that he wants coffee time. Light social time, non-committal with me to keep connected. He has said this from day one... That his fears are about us not keeping a friendship and getting along, at the very least. So, I have essentially enabled it over the last year on his terms. He has also told me that the part of deep intimacy that he loved was the fact that I would reach out when he was conflicted/hurt/angry, etc... And thats who "I" was for 20 years. I was the pursuer when he would distance. It was my "job" to pull us together. Am I being massaged to do this now? Are you suggesting that I do what I always do and "fix" this? Because in the beginning months after BD, when I would try... he would reject me. He would pull away. He made it very clear that he did not want me. I fear feeling like that again.

How am I shutting the door Bond? whats not the same? Please explain further?

So the part about self-esteem is probably true. I wouldn't call what I am doing deflecting, but probably more like protecting myself now. I was rejected for so long. I need to know that HE wants ME. I need to see his action.
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also, many of you suggested coffee was just business coffee. 2 co-workers having coffee. Turns out it isn't. I am not looking to be right, but for my situation to be understood. I think that some of my thoughts and concerns about what is going on ...is actually true.