I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Lostinpain, it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I know others here feel that way too. Thank you and thank you Lost! In a way we are all in this together! So we are not alone in this. WE know exactly what this feels like. Unlike those around us. All the feelings, all the struggle. There are moments where I just want to throw my hands up, it takes all I've got to suppress that and to give myself a few moments. If after those moments, I am still here, then I can keep going.

Had another moment of clarity on the lack of emotional health on the W's part. Last night when I got home, she was here. Asked how work was, and I asked her about hers. She then asked if I wanted to hear the lastest news. My heart stopped, was this it? Was she going to tell me some other horrible thing, had she filed, or found a buyer for the house, I had no idea. Sure, I said. She went on tell me that her brother just found out his GF was pregnant. Ok, by itself that might not seem that bad. But to me, after the miscarriage this past summer. After her sister got pregnant about the same time or soon thereafter. I did not want to hear this, and did not know a good way to respond.

I had many snide comments I wanted to make. Now both her siblings are having kids. Something we had wanted at the time, or so I thought. I don't want to hear about how your brother is succeeding where we failed. I don't really want to talk about the topic of kids, pregnancy, or any of that. I still want to be a dad, and now, I don't know when or if that will happen. SO I don't want to hear about it. It just seemed like a really inappropriate thing to tell me. I didn't need to know. I would not have found out otherwise for months at least. With all that's going on, if I were in here shoes, it seems like that is something you did not need to tell me. It just kind of hurt.

All I did say was, wow, crazy, and then went on my way to take the dogs out.

I read a quote, its not over until you decide it is. I try to believe this. BD was early Jan. The A started in Dec. I've made it this far. Taking an inventory, I am feeling less pain than I did back in Jan/Feb. It still hurts, a lot, but not as bad as it did. I guess I am feeling more moments of peace. Trying to keep my head down and keep on. As I am sure we all are. In this uncharted land. Taking one step, and then another. Not looking down the road, at what could happen. not yet.