still hopeful... no matter where life takes me

[Georgiabelle]

Julie,

I'm so sorry your h acted like an a$$. Seriously? The "do you think that makes you special" comment made me want to hurl. I don't think you were wrong to say you were beibg a parent. That's what parents do! And the getting mad at you about the phone, just ignore his self centeredness.

I do hope your s is feeling better. I'm sorry you had such rough time. You sound like a fantastic mom. I hope you are able to get some rest as well.

Take care.

[juliegayle]

Thanks Georgiabelle. You are right it was an a#/ thing to say but you know what? It didn't really bother me. I posted it as an illustration of how far from normal this man has become.

This is going to sound weird but I actually felt empowered being there by myself with s. For weeks I have been thinking that being a single mom su@ks. And in a lot of ways it does. But now I know I can do it. I can handle the hard, scary, "Grown up" Stuff. The stuff that H is running away from.

I think in his own way that s is starting to realize h limitations. ( to borrow a phrase from Melissa) once we got to hospital he didn't ask for h at all. Last night he showed up in my room in middle of night wirh his pillow and blanket. He asked where daddy was. I told him he was sleeping in other room and he could go see him. He said no I only want you. I hope h doesn't damage that relationship beyond repair.

[3boymom]

This is going to sound weird but I actually felt empowered being there by myself with s. For weeks I have been thinking that being a single mom su@ks. And in a lot of ways it does. But now I know I can do it. I can handle the hard, scary, "Grown up" Stuff. The stuff that H is running away from.

It is very empowering. Each time I get through something that I was scared of (first Christmas alone, first stomach bug alone, etc.), I realize that I really am going to be okay no matter what. In the face of something scary, you did amazing!

I think in his own way that s is starting to realize h limitations. ( to borrow a phrase from Melissa) once we got to hospital he didn't ask for h at all. Last night he showed up in my room in middle of night wirh his pillow and blanket. He asked where daddy was. I told him he was sleeping in other room and he could go see him. He said no I only want you. I hope h doesn't damage that relationship beyond repair.

Kids are very smart. They know who they can depend upon and who they cant. You show your son on a daily basis that you are his rock. It wont take him long to understand your H's limitations.

WAS are fully consumed in their own fantasy land. I really dont think that they understand the damage that they are causing. It makes me so sad for all the kids on here.

[bluesgal]

Julie-I am so glad to hear your son is ok! He is so blessed to have a loving and committed mom.

There's nothing we can do to prevent our H from damaging relationships. I used to be almost jealous of H and D relationship in the past. Now, D said about H last night, "I don't want to see him anymore. I want a real dad."

Yup-It's awful. But H says how much he loves his kids and would do anything for them???

Julie-your h has such anger and spite in his comments. I don't know how to work with that kind of anger as I am going through it myself. It's so pointless and hurts everyone involved. Very immature. But, there's nothing we can do. I don't think your comment was bad-at some point we need to assert ourselves and point conversations back to reality.

[juliegayle]

Last night I feel like I took 10 giant steps backwards and fell off a cliff into a pit of snakes. It is seriouloy like I was jumping up and down to get back on the roller coaster I worked so hard to get off.

And it was so pointless. .

I worked all day yesterday and when I got home interactions with h were civil bordering on pleasant. He wanted to chit chat. We talked about some books we had been reading and about the dogs. A few other bits of small talk. I guess my first mistake was letting my guard down and let his momentary good mood lead the show ..

...because the same thing always happens. It seems whenever he starts to let me in even a little he then has to bend over backwards to show me how much he truly hates me.

The older boys and I were getting ready to play a board game and ss15 suggested we invite h. He said yes and than we waited 30 min for him to join us. Within 5 min he was complaining about us watching a movie while we played. The kids and I were laughing and joking around and h was getting more and more agitated.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere and in front of the kids he says "I hope you are enjoying this because it won't last for long.
He then starts going off on how I will never see the step kids again and they wont want to see me anyway. And I have no idea how much he hates me etc. Etc. I am just trying to stay calm and diffuse the situation. But when ss15 comes back into room and tells his dad that he can't control them and they will see me I broke down and started crying. As I left the room I hear ss15 continue to argue with h.

I know what I need to do .. detach detach detach. Recognize the pattern and not get sucked in again. Find a L that will do a free consultation.

[juliegayle]

In addition to all that cr@p about seeing kids last night he also was spewing stuff about finances. When checking account this morning I realized that his check was much to small for the amount of time he claims he is working and that once again I am going to be making calls asking for payment arrangements so we can get through the month.

I said, again, we needed to make arrangements for shared expenses and separate our finances. He asked why and I said because we are separated. He said "we are not separated. Since when did you think we were separated. ?"

What???!!!! Maybe since you said I was not your wife and you were no longer married to me.

[bluesgal]

Wow, his anger is monstrous. Why would he treat/punish his kids like that-just to get at you? Ick.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My H said he hated me....twice this weekend. Aw, gee, thanks.

It almost seems like the more we do right, the more they rage...

[juliegayle]

Blues. I know right. Why do they feel the need to keep reminding us (themselves?) That they hate us. It seems pretty pointless.

The thing is that h keeps spouting how I am so weak and laxy and can't do anything for myself and how I won't survive without him. That was not the person I was when I met him. That is not who I thought I was in the marriage but I am trying to look at it from his point of view and see where he thought I was to dependent on him. That is definitely not who I am now. I have made it through 6 months of doing everything by myself. So no matter what he says I know who I am and who I want to be.

[labug]

Julie, you are none of those things, so stand up for yourself. There is nothing in DB that says you need to endure abusive behavior.

Do you think you need to endure it? If so, why?

[juliegayle]

Bug. I know I am none of those things. It is like he has taken the worst of me over the past decade and created his image of the ultimate Julie villain.

For a few years a few years back I was living with undiagnosed diabetes. I was tired all the time and did take any opportunity to sleep in or take a nap. Now I have the diabetes under control. If I have slept in 5 times in the last three yeat years it is alot. Sometimes I take a nap when I am alone on my day off. So what? He stills I am lazy and all I do is sleep.

There are hundreds of examples of how he formed his impressions of me. I have gone through all of complaints and identified which are legitimate and which are just baloney.

Maybe I am still influenced by him too much since the things I am working on are things he identified as problem areas.

As far as standing up for myself I feel I do. In the past standing up for myself neant yelling louder or longer. Now I will say I am sorry you feel like that. Or if it is ridiculous I will say "that is not true". I think I stood up for myself when he said I was never going to see step kid again. I said that I was in there life for 12 years and he shouldn't hurt them just to hurt me.

Is there more I should be doing or saying. ?

As far as enduring. . On the one hand it feels like I am watching things happen to me when be gets really mean. Like I have stepped out of the moment. Right now the only alternative I see is making a move and being the one to leave. I don't want to do that because I want to keep s in his home. Again, are there options I am missing?