I don't see your question as off tangent....Honestly I feel it is right on tangent.
For communication it comes down to one very easy thought for me.......First understand, then be understood.
Think about it like this....Your wife brings something up.
You listen (and hear...very important), You validate what she said, maybe repeat it back to her to confirm you heard what was said, then you explain your feelings, thoughts, opinion.
Now if I had a couple grand to wager....I would bet your conversations do not go like that. I would bet they go much more like this....Kinda of listen, state B's point, go with B's point. Maybe compromise sometimes. Do you see where this is going....You can be perceived as never truly hearing what is said...Your way is right, and everyone else is wrong.
Find the shoe story in the way of the superior man....It gives a good thought process for communicating without being controlling.
So now let's bring Mom and Dad into the picture. Here is your dad...always right and never wrong, living with you guys. It doesn't sound like your mom rocks the boat too much and generally just goes along with what dad says regardless if she feels he is right or wrong. Now you have said it yourself, you don't want to live like them. Think what your wife might be thinking about it? Now take it a step further....You communicate like your dad....So your wife is getting a daily reminder of how things may be with you in the future.
That kind of stinks doesn't it?
For you....I think the STFU is more about getting you to stop talking and start listening. Open your mind to what is being said with out judgement and then proceed. So I truly do thing you need to present your thoughts, feelings, etc to your wife....How you do it is more the controlling factor.
Does that make sense my friend? Understand that it going to take time to change your communication pattern. The first step will be realizing when you are doing it during a conversation. I suggest practicing with the kids a lot. When they are crying...ask what is wrong. Listen to what the say. Validate what they say. Then calmly and with love state your side of things.
