Thank you all for the comments. AS thanks for the insight about passing judgement with offering support, you're right, I don't want to accuse.
Labug, you've given me a lot to think about the past couple days, like always.
Quote:
Have you said this before? If not, you could say it. I wouldn't put words in in mouth or tell him how he feels. Think hard about what "I'm here for you means" and ask yourself "am I, really?"
What does this mean??? My initial reaction is, of course, I'm there for H. But after thinking about it for awhile, I don't think that's an honest reply. Sure I'm here for him in 'times of sickness and health', even today I would care for him at his bedside if needed.
But the underlying reality is that I'm here for him on my terms. I would do whatever I could to rebuild our marriage and I would do what I can to support his parenting. But I would not be there to help him escape any consequences of his actions. I would not help him financially, I would not help with legally, I would not support him if he hurt our daughters any more than he already has. I could listen to him talk about it and try to encourage him to straighten out his life - but again those are my terms, my definition of a healthy life or lifestyle. And if he came to me with a problem that was outside of my standard, no I wouldn't be there for him. That's really confusing! H's single lifestyle is a cakewalk, no responsibility, no obligation. And my gut tells me he tries desperately to convince himself he's happy with that. But d18 says he tells her how lonely he is and he's depressed. I can be there for that version of H because it puts me in a better, self sacrificing light. But it's clear that I am not here for H completely. AND what's also clear is that he probably knows this.
Is this tied to expectations? Or healthy boundaries? If I can't be self sacrificing enough to be there for big and small things, should I file for divorce and stop fooling myself?
Very thought provoking labug. And to tell you the truth it scares me a little. I'd like to have a mother theresa image about myself and my limits, but the reality is that I'm very nearly done. One thing could push me over the edge and take away my stand. I don't know for sure what that one thing is, but if I'm open to H and 'there for him no matter what' I may find out sooner rather than later. And maybe that's not really what I want.
So is it safer to not extend an invitation for sharing? Continue on & hope for nothing worse, get nothing better? Really thought provoking.
At the end of the day, I've worked hard for my boundaries and I like myself better with the idea of having them. I have not personally had to put many in place with H because of the no contact between us, but I think I could offer to be there for someone, including H. But if H were to ask for help outside my boundaries, I would and could now withdraw the offer of support. And I don't think that makes me insincere. But it does enlighten me to the fear I have about asking in the first place, because I may not like the answer. hmmm...
