I've been lurking on here for a few weeks now, but this is my first post. I'll try to give a little backstory without being too wordy. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2; my second marriage, his first. We met in his home state in the Midwest, but have been living in the Northeast where my family is from for the past 7 years. No kids, though we have been dealing with infertility since shortly after we were married, which I consider an added stressor on our relationship. About a year ago, we came to the mutual decision for my husband to quit his full time job and pursue his dream (in a professional sport). He had been competing for about 5 years previously at an amateur level and was doing quite well, putting in long hours training and was beginning to draw notice in our area. It was difficult for him to put in the necessary hours as well as maintain his day job, so I agreed to support us financially (I work full time in the medical field and make decent money) while he concentrated all his time working at his sport professionally. We agreed that he would teach classes on the side to bring in a little extra money, and attempt to cut down on spending overall. Throughout our relationship, my H has always been terrible with money, but he agreed to let me control our finances and set a budget for spending to make things work on just my income. Things worked for a while but then began to go downhill. My H has always struggled with depression, and I noticed that he seemed to get more depressed and less and less motivated without a job with a set schedule. He began to train less and less, spent more time sitting on the couch. I found myself working full time and bearing the financial burden, as well as coming home and doing all of the housework besides. Though he won all of his first matches professionally, he suffered a shoulder injury early last fall that caused him to have to take several weeks off, and even after he went back, wasn’t able to put the time in that he needs to really be successful in his sport. I tried to be understanding, knowing that he was depressed, but he refused to see a doctor, resume the medication that he had had success with previously, or seek any other type of help. I began to really feel resentful of him over the fall, feeling that he wasn’t living up to the agreement we had made when he stopped working at his full time job. We began to spend more time apart, and communicated less and less. We fought often. Over the fall he began to mention moving out for a few months, stating that he felt trapped and needed to resume his independence by living on his own, but then wouldn’t bring it up again for weeks at a time. In Dec. he took a trip back to his home state for Christmas and stayed with his parents for nearly a month. While he was gone, I noticed that he began to mention a girl that he used to date before we were together who still lives in his home state. At first I wasn’t concerned, as he had kept in touch with her over the years, but I became suspicious when he mentioned that they had hung out on several occasions when he was away. When he returned he seemed very distant, and the day after we got back we had a blowout fight, in which he dropped the infamous ILYBINILWY line and said he didn’t want to be married any more and wanted to move back to his home state. I was very suspicious of at least an EA with his ex girlfriend, and though he denied it, he did say that he had a great time with her over Christmas, and it was nice to hang out with a female that didn’t nag and complain to him. I don’t think there was a PA but I’m not completely sure. Over the next month I made a lot of mistakes, the typical crying and pleading. My H moved to the guest bedroom. Fortunately I got DR and tried to apply the tactics to my situation. I tried to be upbeat and pleasant but detached and kept busy working on myself, working and hanging out with friends and family. About two weeks ago, my H had an appointment about his shoulder and ended up getting a diagnosis that he was very upset about (which would put him out of his sport for 6mo-year). He pretty consistently blames me for everything, and somehow this was my fault too; we ended up getting into a huge fight and during it, he said that he was going to leave permanently and move back to his home state. I did everything wrong, first pleading with him to stay and then getting other family members involved to try to talk him out of it. After this fight we didn’t talk for a few days, then we ended up having (what I thought was) a great talk that he initiated. He told me that he felt like we needed space and he was going to move out and stay at a friend’s house (in our town) for a month or two, then we would try to work on our relationship. I felt so hopeful and pleased that he was willing to try. He packed up a couple bags and left about a week later. I was planning on giving him space, not texting or calling first, etc. But the day after he left the house, he called me while I was at the gym and told me that he was at the airport, about to board a flight (with our two cats) and was returning to his home state for good. He said he had been planning on leaving for good for at least a month, and the whole talk about him going to his friends house for space was a lie so I wouldn’t stop him from going and taking the cats. I was completely shocked and overwhelmed. He says he wants a divorce but has not filed yet. He has been gone for about a week. I’m attempting not call him or text him. I haven’t seen any stories like mine on here, with a spouse leaving so abruptly. I love him but I have no idea if this is even worth trying to save. Any advice?
