melissa #999

[labug]

(More coffee please) *I have very few negative emotional reactions to events these days, and when I do, it's not a tsunami.

[melissag]

Thanks, bug.

I think that's the disconnect, no one is suggesting you make him stop the way he talks or thinks, in fact that's the exact opposite of what you should be trying to do. We control no one but ourselves, and in being able to thoughtfully respond rather than react, it changes the dynamic (DB101) and he may choose to respond differently. What have you got to lose?

I understand that. The reason I said I can't control how my H communicates with me was in response to Ad suggesting that I might be able to talk with my H about D issues rather than having everything go through the Ls. My point was not that I should not bother trying to quell my emotional reactions, but that I don't believe (based on how things have gone so far) it would help the overall communication, which, from my H's side at least, has been very antagonistic. It is clear to me that (regardless of how ideal my behavior is) nothing will be accomplished by talking with my H directly. Therefore, I believe it makes more sense to send these things through Ls.

What have I got to lose? Well, first, I really don't think I need to listen to any more cruel comments from my H - I'm not a robot, and it wears on me to be constantly used as his punching bag. But more importantly, I feel like H's vitriol is harmful to the negotiation process. His lawyer will tell it like it is, and, I believe, will rein in my H and his unrealistic expectations. (And presumably, his poor behavior.)

As far as our other interactions, I do plan to continue trying to thoughtfully respond rather than react.

[labug]

I wasn't suggesting that you not send certain things through the Ls, I think that's a great idea.

You will still need to have interactions with you H. That's a given.

[3boymom]

At this point, your H needs an independent third party to set him straight about the D. Even if you were a master communicator, he is going to push his agenda until someone else (not you) gets him to see that he is totally off base.

Hopefully the L will force your H to partially join reality and maybe things will get less contentious. I think it is good that your H has a good opinion of H's attorney.

[melissag]

Thanks, 3boyz, that's exactly what I am saying. My H is delusional, and me pointing that out will do no good, no matter how nice I am about it. I am hoping that his lawyer can give him a slap upside the head. I am not convinced that he will ever be happy with the outcome of the D (other than the fact that we will be D), but tough. You live with the consequences of your decisions.

[25yearsmlc]

By the way, it was my H who, a few months ago, told me that he really just didn't like labels. He didn't want to have a label on our relationship at all. Married, divorced, dating . . . why do we need to be put into a box like that? (Oh, and that, going forward, he wanted to be good friends with me, at the very least.)

In retrospect, I think perhaps he just said that so he could have no strings sex with me.

Back to the text tonight. Should I tell him I don't want to put any labels on how I feel about him? A-hole, dickwad, penis breath . . . (bonus points if you can name the movie), why do I have to limit it to just one??

I promise I have not read past this post, but chose to answer for MY bonus...

is it, E.T.??...if so, when can I expect my bonus?..

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, 3boyz, that's exactly what I am saying. My H is delusional, and me pointing that out will do no good, no matter how nice I am about it. I am hoping that his lawyer can give him a slap upside the head.

One of the more delusional things my h said while deep in the "ordeal", was about a divorce settlement, which I had brought up as he was leaving for the LAST FRONTIER!!!!!

a week later...He said this: "I thought you'd be in the US Senate by now, and earning a lot more"...To be fair, on our first date he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him "something political or literary...maybe someday run for office. In 6th grade I used to say I wanted to be a senator..."

My h repeated a comment I made in 6th grade, told him on our first date. And which he'd literally been holding me to, all these years....never mind the "newer" info like "I don't like the hypocrisy of Capitol Hill" or "Never knew I'd enjoy being a mom THIS much..." etc

The crazy part is that comment really bugged me! Like I'd sold out or settled.

(BTW, H does NOT recall ever saying the senate commet....)

But as Ad says, we've been here awhile. Melissa, you are new to this stage of things and you are doing SO WELL, I'm very impressed.

In that first year, I got some good help. And I've seen a GOOD T, and attended my favorite workshop (again) and I've done a lot of personal work.

Today I'd laugh at that 'senate' comment AND OR say "oh yeah, I remember saying that...In 6th grade"

At one dark hour, when it was clear that H was delusional about the costs of things and how fast I'd be making 6 figures again and NOT miss the kids (mind you, H would be living 3000 miles away AND wanted "shared custody"...sure...sure..that'll happen) I'm pretty sure I briefly spewed at him then.

But he also said "well then, this is going to be WAR! I'll hire a L."

To which I said, "Thank GOD! You need to talk to a real L and get some good legal info b/c you are nowhere nearly as accurate as you seem to think...PLEASE HIRE ONE ASAP"...which I think surprised him. I meant every word.

Mel, Your h has a L who will bring him in line, whether or not that is revealed to you, I cannot say.
But in your particular situation, your L husband NEEDS to have another L do some 'splainin' to him, which will decrease the spew you face. In the long run, it will save YOU money for HIM to hire a L and to go thru the Ls for further communications, at this time.


I am sure when he gets the L bills, your h, eventually, will start behaving better, at least to your face. B/c it simply costs too much to continue being a jerk. For now, while you are barely over the reeling this has caused, you need to Keep the Spew away...

What's money for, if not that?

Mel, Do NOT take his spew, in.



I am not convinced that he will ever be happy with the outcome of the D (other than the fact that we will be D), but tough. You live with the consequences of your decisions.

The ONLY question that matters to me, and in time I hope, to YOU,

is how the outcome of the D will be for YOU and your kids.

And YOU have a lot to say about that.

[labug]

Sweet Melissa, if this

me pointing that out will do no good, no matter how nice I am about it

is what you understood I was trying to say, I'm not communicating my thoughts clearly and I apologize.

I said I was going to let it go, and I will. I do thank you for helping me peel another of my layers. Really.

I do hope you find that harsh judge that lives in your head and make peace with it. I wish you and yours all the best.

[melissag]

bug, for the record, that wasn't what I thought you were saying at all! Your advice is exactly the opposite of pointing out to people that they are delusional - I get it!

That response was to 3boyz . . . I was agreeing with her that my H needs a lawyer to inject some reality into his ideas about D.

[paul19510]

I have no wisdom. Just ((((melissa))). after watching your thread I thought you could use a hug.

I gues I'm lucky that my W is in silent mode. She stopped responding or tslking after I filed. We are here for you