There's another dead bishop on the landing...

[LoisB]

Just received a "No, not yet." In regards to the bank deposit.

[job]

Heather,
I can see where you get the anxiety from...your mother. LOL!

If you are strapped for money, the most logical decision would be to have the car repaired at this time. I would make my decision about what can be put on the back burner once you get the repair bill. It may not be anything major.

However, you've been making some good money with the reading and writing activities and you should have some of that put away in case of an emergency. Right?

He's probably going to respond back to you about the check after he has deposited it. You know how he is when it comes to you asking about things...

Try to relax and enjoy the rest of your evening. Start thinking positive thoughts, i.e., your glass is half full, not half empty.

[LoisB]

It's her dam birthday and she is spinning. And, ya know why she is spinning? Because she has more than $500,000 coming to her in a divorce settlement but she hasn't taken the initiative to finish her dissolution. She could file for more and get it because she was abused for decades. But, she refuses. Instead, she lives off of an allowance from her separate husband.

Pisses me off to no end how she is sooo hard on me and expects all this bull from me that she doesn't expect from herself. She projects on me like Smokey does. I get it from all dam sides.

I don't have any set aside because I've helped with D19 and I'm catching up on bills...but, the good news is that I have a little in the bank and I have another $250 coming this week.

I'm just pi$$ed.

I responded to Smokey's last text

Me: You promised me $600 for Feb. I am counting on that money. So is D11.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Glad to hear that things went well today for you, Smokey and daughter.

Remember to remind yourself to quit your stinkin' thinkin for the next time. Sometimes we tend to let our minds run wild at various scenarios and when the situation is much calmer in reality...then we tell ourselves, 'what a waste!'

I told him, in my opinion, doing that is the way to go and, within no time, he will be able to take her to lunch. He seemed angry/irritated when I said that, so I STFU.

This comment got my attention. You come across sounding like a "mother" who doesn't trust her son to do the right thing. You are telling him how to do the reconnection stuff with his own daughter. That comes fairly close to lecturing to me. Watch it, sweetie.

[LoisB]

I agree Wonka. Thank you. I need to change this habit. Not only with him, but with any men I become involved with in the future.

I did send Smokey a text that I don't think sounded quite so parental.

Me: I thought you were very kind in how you hung with D11 today. And, thanks for fixing the closet door. I wouldn't have been able to do so well. Take Care.

[makingmagic]

Hi Heather.

Two things:

One ~ I see a positive when Smokey says he would like to continue more visits with D11. Secondly ~ I can see how it feels like control to him. This he probably resents and blames you for it.

I understand how its in the best interest for your daughter. But is it possible that you are demanding it a bit too harsh? Maybe let it come from your daughter, not so much you.

It would be better for you, if you removed the control of their visits. If it were the courts suggestions he wouldn't be resenting you.

I see that somehow you could benefit by being on the same team as him. I am happy he wants time with his daughter. Maybe, Help him to get there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am in no position to give advice... but I see a man attempting to have time with his child. And you are a woman who is 'standing' for your relationship.

~~~~~~~~~~~

OH... and on the "HOW CAN HE NOT WANT ME???" feelings. I have wondered that myself. Drove me crazy. I have looked in the mirror thinking it was ME. It wasn't. It was him. And it was me, mindreading. He does WANT ME!! My h is just scared.

[LoisB]

Thanks Magic. I will think on that.

I had a terrible day. Ugh.

Smokey texted me and told me he closed the Electric bill account from his name and I need to reopen it in my name by Friday. He said he would pay the nearly $600 balance on it.

It's not terrible news and I'm relieved he is stepping up to help me with the bill, but, somehow, I felt punched in the stomach.

I feel rejected, abandoned... I'm not sure. I have a lot of other stress, so these feelings may just be a reaction to it all.

I need to address the $2500 due to the college this month.

My Jeep is STILL in the shop.

Yesterday, we were out of everything in terms of groceries and there was a snowstorm so I knew my mom wouldn't come out. Then, I didn't know who else to ask. My one friend has a terrible case of the flu, my other friend has MS and I hate asking her for any favors right now and the others were at church. I felt stranded, alone...as a last resort, I tried texting the Forester to see if he could get some groceries and he was in the big city for the weekend. Great. So glad I could interupt! Luckily, a neighbor friend kindly cleaned out her pantry and sent over a few bags of groceries.

Seems like every guy interested in me on the online site is old, fat, creepy or old and fat AND creepy. I feel young, but I don't look young.

Part of me wonders if I'm past my prime.

I texted the Forester this morning and got this idea that, maybe, if I had a fun night out in a month or so, I'd feel motivated to keep exercising. So, I asked if he was up to going on a date in a month or two...well, the conversation somehow turned again and I put pressure on him and he got tense and I got pissed...And, now we aren't speaking.

I think I'm just stressed. Period. And, I feel so alone. I don't even know Smokey anymore. He's a stranger. And, I have this daughter to care for and she's counting on me for things like groceries, vacations, school, etc... And, I feel so alone.

I plan on exercising tonight. And, maybe a bubble bath.

[LoisB]

Oh, and I had a house FULL of kids, including difficult boy.

And, when Smokey takes the initiative no stuff like this, it scares me frankly. I'm used to Smokey leaving stuff like that up to me.

[job]

At least your h advised you that he closed the electric bill account from his name. Some don't tell us anything. This may be something you can do via the net or over the phone. I know I did mine over the phone. You felt the punch because it's one more step closer to you both going your separate ways. He's going to be separating things more and more as time goes on.

Why do you feel rejected and abandoned over a bill being changed out of his name? You knew that this day would come and yes, he's taking the necessary steps to ensure that you know what he's doing so that you can take care of it at your end.

Heather, please texting the Forester. You look like you are pursuing him. First it was the text about the groceries and then a date. The man wants to pursue you when and if he's ready to do so. This is the second time you've texted and then he got pissy about it...the message is clear...don't text him unless he texts you first.

You've been on your own for quite some time and you need to figure out what is causing your stressors. Is it the fact that your h is moving on and is taking steps to do so? Is it the money for college or is it because you can't handle more than one time of unexpected incident at a time? I hate to say this...but you are going to get a lot more of the unexpected incidents as time rolls along. The first thing to do is breathe! Then work on each thing, one at a time.

So, what is wrong with the Jeep? Did the mechanic advise you as to when it will be ready?

What makes you think you are past your prime? If you feel that way...get moving on the exercises. You are only as old as you feel and you shouldn't rely on someone else to motivate you to exercise. This is something you need to do on your own, not only to attract others, but to help you relieve your stressors.
Don't base your "prime" against others.

Think positive because positive attracts good things and yes, people. When you are thinking in the negative manner, that's when all the negativity is drawn to you like a magnet.

I saw some positives in your last posting, i.e., your h advised you of what he's done w/the electric bill, the Jeep got towed and is being worked on, your neighbor came to your rescue w/some groceries and you and your daughter are at home safe, sound and healthy.

Take a long, hot bubble bath. Tomorrow is a new day w/all sorts of new adventures.

[job]

edit third paragraph, first sentence:

"Heather, please stop texting the Forester.