Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Barrybran]

You're right and I know it. I know I've been like my Dad for a long time and I've fought it or denied it without really having the knowledge or tools to rectify it. There was an incident a few nights ago, the day my wife and I had the 'listening' argument, where my 3yo was refusing to eat dinner and my Dad was goading her into eating. From what I understand, it wasn't malicious or mean and I could be mindreading here as I wasn't around but I get the impression that a light bulb lit up in my wife's mind. Part of the truth missle (no dart there!) she gave me was that she sees a lot of my Dad in me.

Ever since I was a teenager I've used my Dad as an anti-inspiration. Sounds horrible, I know, but it's the truth. I've wanted to distance myself from him as much as possible. Throughout my adulthood, I've found that when I do the opposite of what he does or says I often succeed. He's a smart guy though which makes the situation sad. For some reason though, I seem to subconsciously get sucked back into 'his' way. As you allude to, I grew up with 'his' way and it's ingrained in who I am.

I function a lot better when he's not around. That's no excuse, I know, but I find myself to be a completely different person when he's around. I know that is something I should change now but my parents should be leaving tomorrow and I feel it may be better to ride out the next 24 hours and their visit in a couple of weeks (3yo's birthday) rather than rocking the boat. I can start afresh with my myself, my wife and my kids instead.

Off tangent slightly, I have struggled with expressing my thoughts and feelings in this process. On one hand, it's all about my wife and I'm to STFU and listen and validate. On the other, my wife has told me to say what I think and feel. My wife has also told me to choose my battles but I've lost confidence in determining which battles are worth fighting so I'm pretty much fighting none at the moment unless my wife isn't around. How I present my thoughts and feelings is now a major issue and I'm more inclined to shut up than to further alienate my wife. All in all, it's pretty bloody confusing because I'm supposed to 'man up' but doing so gets me into trouble.