Quote:
Title: Dead Bishop
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Taken From Album
Transcribed By: unknown
Edited By: Adam Fogg


Mother: (turning off radio) liberal rubbish! Klaus!

Klaus: Yeah?

Mother: Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?

Klaus: 'Alibut.

Mother: The jugged fish IS 'alibut!

Klaus: Well, what fish 'ave you got that isn't jugged?

Mother: Rabbit.

Klaus: What, rabbit fish?

Mother: Uuh, yes...it's got fins....

Klaus: Is it dead?

Mother: Well, it was coughin' up blood last night.

Klaus: All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.

Voiceover: One dead unjugged rabbit fish later.

Klaus: (putting down his knife and fork) Well, that was really 'orrible.

Mother: Aaw, you're always complainin'!

Klaus: Wha's for afters?

Mother: Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart.

Klaus: (eyes lighting up) Strawberry tart?

Mother: Well, it's got *some* rat in it.

Klaus: 'Ow much?

Mother: Three. A lot, really.

Klaus: Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.

Voiceover: One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later.

Klaus: (putting down fork and knife) Appalling.

Mother: Naw, naw, naw!

Son: (coming in the door) 'Ello Mum. 'Ello Dad.

Klaus: 'Ello son.

Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing, dad!

Klaus: Really?

Mother: Where's it from?

Son: Waddya mean?

Mother: What's its diocese?

Son: Well, it looked a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me...

Klaus: (getting up and going out the door) I'll go and have a look.

Mother: I don't know...kids bringin' 'em in here....

Son: It's not me!

Mother: I've got three of 'em down by the bin, and the dustmen won't touch 'em!

Klaus: (coming back in) Leicester.

Mother: 'Ow d'you know?

Klaus: Tattooed on the back o' the neck. I'll call the police.

Mother: Shouldn't you call the church?

Son: Call the church police!

Klaus: All right. (shouting) The Church Police!

(sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash)
(the church police burst in the door)

Detective: What's all this then, Amen!

Mother: Are you the church police?

All the police officers: (in unison) Ho, Yes!

Mother: There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!

Detective: Uh, Detective Parson, madam. I see... suffrican, or diocisian?

Mother: 'Ow should I know?

Detective: It's tatooed on the back o' their neck. (spying the tart) 'Ere, is that
rat tart?

Mother: yes.

Detective: Disgusting! Right! Men, the chase is on! Now we should all
kneel! (they all kneel)

All: O Lord, we beseech thee, tell us 'oo croaked Lester!

*thunder*


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