I think that's the disconnect, no one is suggesting you make him stop the way he talks or thinks, in fact that's the exact opposite of what you should be trying to do. We control no one but ourselves, and in being able to thoughtfully respond rather than react, it changes the dynamic (DB101) and he may choose to respond differently. What have you got to lose?
I understand that. The reason I said I can't control how my H communicates with me was in response to Ad suggesting that I might be able to talk with my H about D issues rather than having everything go through the Ls. My point was not that I should not bother trying to quell my emotional reactions, but that I don't believe (based on how things have gone so far) it would help the overall communication, which, from my H's side at least, has been very antagonistic. It is clear to me that (regardless of how ideal my behavior is) nothing will be accomplished by talking with my H directly. Therefore, I believe it makes more sense to send these things through Ls.
What have I got to lose? Well, first, I really don't think I need to listen to any more cruel comments from my H - I'm not a robot, and it wears on me to be constantly used as his punching bag. But more importantly, I feel like H's vitriol is harmful to the negotiation process. His lawyer will tell it like it is, and, I believe, will rein in my H and his unrealistic expectations. (And presumably, his poor behavior.)
As far as our other interactions, I do plan to continue trying to thoughtfully respond rather than react.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
