Unlearning conflict avoidance - 10

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Luke, it's late and I need to sleep so I'm going to send this off now and ask your patience if I repeat myself etc. I just wanted to make some suggestions...

and btw, when you are out in the USA next?

Hola 25 -

that was just something made up, which I told my d15 when she was younger: that I had signed a paper at her birth to protect, help and always take care of her. As she got older, she would say "stop kidding me".

Yes, I've asked what if questions, such as where would she want to go if... (Japan). I imagine s20 would like that also - we had a very good time there, a good while ago, and d15 gets along well with s20.

I'll ask more about her friends, whose names I do know.

Cambridge is her dream college, though her current musically focused education might make getting in there difficult. s20 took IB (free here in Sweden) which we thought was great, and which got him into a (free) school in Scotland (this applies to many European universities, by the way, even for US citizens, or is at least much cheaper than the US, so I always recommend it).


This^^^ all sounds pretty nice.

The kids and I have been on a number of trips together already, without W, to Scotland, Istanbul, etc, and had a nice time. s20 is now coming home with girlfriend over spring break, so his and my trip to Sicily needs to be postponed again.


Why must it be postponed, "again"? Is he coming home to more formally introduce her to you, or what? Why can't you bring her AND invite your d too? Is the trip important to HIM or is he doing it for you?

Thing is, your d may not be living with you much or at all, in just a matter of weeks or a few months.

I don't mean to depress you; b/c I think that paralyzes you.

I just urge you to stop procrastinating. Your thread title is "unlearning conflict avoidance" but how much better are you at this now? I mean, do you feel you ACT differently with your w? And how about with the kids?

I sense you are gaining tools, but I can't tell if you are USING those tools.
You have to stop being so so so afraid.

If you are always afraid, you won't move forward.

Maybe maybe now it's time to move you toward

Conflict resolution... which does NOT necessarily mean the other person sees things your way. Conflict resolution can mean you agree to disagree.

But no more decades of unasked questions. Not having any physical contact w/your w - for soooo many years, was not healthy to anyone in your family. IMO, it's a large part of why you struggle with showing affection for your children.

Her rejection of you, which you still do not understand b/c you never asked, hinders your affection with others....yikes...how scary could your w's reaction have been??


I want you to see how supposedly "Avoiding conflict," actually INCREASES conflicts....

One example.

My mil did not want to attend our son's baptism b/c I'm Catholic. OUCH. I was very surprised and very hurt. This deeply wounded me and it permanently affected my relationship with mil, which had been pretty close before...

OVER 20 years later, I learned that when we got married, (in my church), mil and her Russian family were upset that their faith was excluded. H did Not tell me this. But then to soothe his Russian side, & without mentioning it to me at all, h promised them that while the wedding would be Catholic, the children would be raised in his Orthodox faith.

H did not tell ME any of this^^ b/c H ASSUMED I'd be upset about the baptism promise, and he did not tell his mother that I had never made that promise (b/c I didn't know about it!!).
He never owned up to her that he had created the conflict or worsened it to keep peace with her. But it did the opposite, and it's one of the things that I would change in our past if I could. H never told me this until 5-6 years ago when He blurted it out in an argument about why his mother never spent time with our children, her only grandchildren...

She deeply resented ME for "going back on my word".
I resented her for her bigotry.

This festered and undermined our r for the rest of her life.

When she became terminally ill, I helped care for her but by then her cancer had gone to her brain, and I could not have connected with her anymore anyhow...

H caused the conflict to escalate and expand. She and I suffered for h's mistake, and so did he. I suppose our children did too.
BTW, I would have had NO problem baptizing our son in both churches, the same day or a different day. Isn't that ironic?

Do you see how YOUR "unlearning conflict avoidance" needs to be replaced with Conflict Resolution?

"Waiting for the right time" is a pattern of yours -and it does not work.

The problems fester and multiply in time, as they go unaddressed. The "right time" does not arise, as those problems mount and then "the problem" is too much for you.

Luke, your fear is not serving you. I mean, What one sentence are you going to blow that will really "ruin" your r with your d?


W okay today - civil - asked me to go to dump -
this clause ^^made me laugh

and made lunch. W and d15 have been cooking all week, so my usual evening kitchen duty has been on hold.

Going to ask d15 if she wants to bike ride with me - 40F is a warm winter's day here!

Luke

Give her options for the activity. She may not want to go biking at 40'F and if you don't provide options, you'll interpret it as her saying "NO" to time with you.

Why not ask her what she wants to do on her "dad/Daughter day/evening?

Don't just present one thing b/c she may honestly Not want to do that specific thing. If that's all you ask her, then that's all she'll look at.

TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT. i.e. FATHER DAUGHTER TIME. If presented right, it will come off as loving, which it is. Don't present it with despair. And don't ask in front of your w if you're going to get too fragile and cautious and fearful...it's not "FUN" to see your dad act that way and it's not as tempting.
Sorry to say that, but you can't count on having much time left with her...I really want you to ACT NOW)...

Consider this approach I've used...I have point blank said to a child of mine,

"Hey, your siblings/OR friends/OR father are hogging you too much. When am I going to get some mama/son/daughter time...let's arrange it"

And invariably, they'll tell me when they are free, and we'll hang out. It may take them an day or so to figure it out, and you can say "check your schedule and get back to me about when we can make some time for US to hang out.

(IF you are comfortable with it, or if you think it will be "easier", then suggest they bring a friend. The main thing is time with your kids, without your w.)

You can do this^^.

Say it with an easy going vibe. (Not a desperate need)

Luke, It's a loving thing to say. Embrace that.

Create Father Daughter time. Make it happen. You can involve her in deciding WHAT to do, if she prefers. But stop asking IF it can happen. YOU Make it happen.