own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

[makingmagic]

tx for your input Advina & mj.

I did not say that I was in piecing. I know the difference, and I know that I am not piecing. I had said that the poster who was receiving that information is now in piecing. He was recieving that advice as he was in the same position I am now in. Yes! it is a new position. A position that my h has stated several times recently. My sitch has definately changed and is VERY different. My h is now open to telling me many/much of his feelings and fears. And the "coffees" he says, are about him spending time with me, as a start. The coffee's are about him opening up....not the coffee.

His actions may be small... but they are still actions. Actions that I have not seen in almost a year! We recently had a family brunch that thrilled us all. He has since said so...with words.

I have been trying to lose the fear... I believe this follows after self-value. Which came after self-respect (and he began to respect me)...but, im not sure if this is the rule.

I am not strategizing, but am looking/seeking direction. I have not been "HERE" before. I am looking for others experiences of what they tried, and failed/succeeded to share.

..... with that said, I am not asking ANYONE to go outside of their comfort zone and reply if they do not feel inclined. If you feel you can help or advise... or have a suggestion that will make me "think"... I am open, and welcome the posts.

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To answer mj... I am not sure where we would be if we didn't have a business. When we parted. My h was very ansty and kept repeating that at least we have the business and he will see me every day. It was an insurance policy for HIM!

I think if we didnt have the business, we would be farther along...either way!

Your comment "...and shouldn't be as he hasn't come right out and committed himself back to you." is TRUE, he admittingly says he is on both sides of the fence (but Im not in competition with OW)... which is WHY I don't know what I am doing.

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Went to the doctor today, we discussed my "drinking". She did not have any issues with the amount I drank before (although it was noted), and was certainly impressed that I am off my AD's (my own efforts) and the lack of interest I now have to drink. I think if she was concerned, she would have said so. She agreed that losing my drinking buddy was a factor. And was fine when I said that I want to go back to drinking more socially again.

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Journalling:

I am doing my best DB'ing. When I dropped him off earlier this afternoon, his old behaviour came out, he got mad as I got stuck in the driveway due to snow. I said "im doing my best" "im sorry if my best is not good enough for you"... calmly. I left immediately. I did NOT get baited into any discussion or arguement....I just left.

While inbetween clients, we had coffee and extended personal time in the car. No R talks. But we did discuss sexting, etc. Interesting.

Later in the evening, while driving with DD out of town for our concert, he sends a text:

H: $$ in bank for month end for February

(driving, texted half hour later)
Me: great, tx

H: and, more importantly...

(very very long pause)

H: I apologize for the driveway situation.... you dont drive in here everyday like I do... could happen to anyone. So no buts...you didn't deserve that (as we have discussed that his apologies always have buts..)

Me: (half hour later, as driving) Ok, no worries.
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Many of you feel that I am not db'ing... and thats fine. I know that I am. I am also listening and actioning what much of your advice has been. I have made some changes in me, I have GAL, I have looked deep and saw a person who was trying to control the outcome and being manipulative, and was pushing him away, and to turn the focus on me. I have made progress and I have been to the mediator, to get things started. I did say that I will also review this again on Monday. I am very upset when you say that I do not listen and that I am always the same and that I don't listen or hear. But, thats your opinion.
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Tonights date with DD was AWESOME. I broke out of my comfort zone. I did it!! I drove 2hours away from home to put a smile on my daughters face. We had a great time. I have such an awesome amazing daughter!!