melissa #999

[melissag]

Ohh nooooo nooooo, Wonka, I do NOT actually think it is my fault. I was saying that I am sure H is telling himself that it's my fault, because everything else is. I mean, it sure as hell can't be his fault.

I wish there was a sarcasm font. That would make things easier.

Good point, PM . . . who does care? It was really just more my musings. Kind of like a lab experiment. You know, getting into the mind of a delusional narcissist.

We really don't have much planned this weekend! My D wants to get some more stuff for her Rainbow Loom obsession (surely, PM, with 4 Ds, you are familiar with the zillions of colored rubber bands all over the house). And my kids want to watch a movie tonight, so we will probably snuggle up with a big bowl of popcorn. Or, better yet, chocolate covered popcorn. (Patting myself on the back for that idea.)

Tomorrow my S7 has a basketball game and it is supposed to snow, so maybe we will be able to go sledding or build a snowman or just throw some snowballs at each other until someone gets frostbite or starts crying. Then I will toss them in the jacuzzi and have an adult beverage.

Between school, activities and getting shuttled between here and H's place, I think my kiddos are really just enjoying the downtime right now.

[Wonka]

Ohh nooooo nooooo, Wonka, I do NOT actually think it is my fault. I was saying that I am sure H is telling himself that it's my fault, because everything else is. I mean, it sure as hell can't be his fault.

Whoops-A! My bad. Thanks for clearing this up, M.

Go and have fun with your kiddos this weekend! Put H out of your mind this whole weekend.

[melissag]

OK, email sent. [dusting off hands]

H,

Thank you for your email. I will forward it on to my lawyer for review.

Please direct all future communications regarding division of assets, financial support or other divorce matters to your lawyer. I will not respond to any further direct communication on these issues.

We will need to communicate about the kids’ day to day issues/plans/activities, and I will continue to do so with you.

Like you, I would prefer that our necessary interactions be as pleasant as possible, and I agree that getting along with one another is good for the kids.

Thanks,
M

Now, on to the popcorn!!

Thanks for your help and support, guys! You are all da bomb(s)!!

[Wonka]

My preference is cheddar flavored popcorn! Oh...I better borrow some purple glasses as well. Should make for an interesting movie viewing experience here.

[PatientMan]

We really don't have much planned this weekend! My D wants to get some more stuff for her Rainbow Loom obsession (surely, PM, with 4 Ds, you are familiar with the zillions of colored rubber bands all over the house).

Yes, I have three Rainbow Loom experts (D4 is too young), they just aren't experts at keeping the rubber bands off the floor. I happen to wear a multicolored RL bracelet every day that D8 made for me. It doesn't look like the manliest thing in the world, but I promised I would wear it and there isn't anything manlier than keeping my word.

-PM

[Underdog]

PM-I think it's really manly AND sexy for a guy to don his daughter's art projects! I'm bummed my D20 missed out on the loom. Her posse used to make lanyards. Lots of lanyards. She has also been an avid colorer. (Is that a word?) I have a huge bin of crayons. We all like to color when we're stressed out.

I think both popcorn flavored are good! D16 and I went to Trader Joes after I picked her up, and I stocked up on good stuff and bad stuff. While I type, roasted vegetable lasagne is in the oven. We're looking forward to it.

Enjoy the kiddos in the snow. I miss those days! We have a pediatrician checkup tomorrow, but I'm hoping to build a fire tomorrow night and make it movie night too. I love snowy weekends!

Very interesting about your chat with the lawyer. Underemployed. Lol. That's actually hilarious.

Now, where is the adult beverage?

[adinva]

Hi Again. First of all, I'm so sorry for how your H is disappointing you. No one would expect that from their spouse and it hurts. It is awful and I hope your lawyer works it out so that you have everything your kids and you are entitled to.

I'm going to try again, in case I was too fuzzy, and then I'll let it go for a while...

(Adinva, my H is trying to dicker it out in emails so that I will agree to something (and settle without the court having anything to do with it) that he knows damn well is way short of reality.)

I was aware of that. But nothing about him trying to do that requires you to participate in it.

I'm glad you are turning that stuff over to the Ls.

Ad, it is possible that I could do this. Yes. I could certainly try my best. But let's be honest here - perhaps I am not a perfect (or even good) communicator, but the emotional reactions are coming mostly from my H, not me. Even if I communicated with him in an ideal manner, I can't make him stop the way he talks or thinks.

I'm glad you see that. It doesn't change what I said, it supports my point that it would be very helpful for you to learn how to be less reactive in communication. I didn't mean to suggest that it would make him do anything. It would make you a better relationship partner and better at handling communication however it comes at you, with all kinds of people, even (especially) unreasonable people. Without letting them make you crazy.

I feel like I'm being a jerky broken record, maybe because I feel like I see something that people once helped me to see, and it feels important to me to pass it on to you. You may see it later; I know you have your hands full. Hang in there, I'll be rooting for you.

[melissag]

PM, I love that you wear the bracelet your D8 made for you, and I bet she does too.

Betsey, your D20 can still get the loom, you know. It's apparently impossible to figure out for those of us who are 40 or over, but she is probably still young enough. Hey, I love coloring, too! Actually, that's how I met my college BFFs. I was walking down the hall of my dorm and their door was open and they were coloring, so I invited myself to join them.

The underemployed thing actually makes a lot of sense. My H could easily make a lot more money if he worked as hard as real lawyers do. Somehow he has always manages to get these cushy jobs where he doesn't do much but gets paid handsomely anyway. I think I will use that argument in negotiations - after all, his L has already acknowledged it.

Wonka, come on over for the movie, we'll make some cheddar popcorn too, and my D9 will make you a rainbow loom unicorn.

[melissag]

Ad, I do get your point. Truly. And it is something I see as a problem and I am working on. (It's one of those things that I can so easily recognize in someone else, but not so much in myself all the time.)

Right now, I feel like I am on the battlefield and I am just trying to avoid the land mines . . . it is much more of a reactive than proactive place at the moment. I'm not excusing myself, I'm just pointing out why it may sound like I am heavy on the emotional reactions in my threads.

I actually think I have come pretty far in this regard . . . I used to go into a tailspin very time my H moved a muscle, let alone spoke. Even when it came to fairly benign things.

I will be honest and say that I do still have immediate smart ass responses that pop into my head . . . but I am not sure those will ever go away.

Ad, do you *actually* not have that immediate emotional reaction to things anymore, or do you have it, but you recognize it quickly and override it?

Thank you for the repeated lesson, and for the support and empathy. I truly appreciate it.

[labug]

I'm going to jump in here and then I too will let it go.

You have been hit with a lot and our spouses often do disappoint us during this crazy emotional time but it only takes one person to calm that rising tide of emotion.

I do hope that you and your H can work out custody/parenting issues and not let it get to court because we all know that hardly ever works out well for the kids.

This sentence jumped out at me before I read Ad's post above,

Ad, it is possible that I could do this. Yes. I could certainly try my best. But let's be honest here - perhaps I am not a perfect (or even good) communicator, but the emotional reactions are coming mostly from my H, not me. Even if I communicated with him in an ideal manner, I can't make him stop the way he talks or thinks.

I think that's the disconnect, no one is suggesting you make him stop the way he talks or thinks, in fact that's the exact opposite of what you should be trying to do. We control no one but ourselves, and in being able to thoughtfully respond rather than react, it changes the dynamic (DB101) and he may choose to respond differently. What have you got to lose?

I'll answer the question you asked Ad, I'm sure she may come back and answer it with her experience.

I have mush less emotional reaction to events these days, and when I do, it's much less. When I feel it and I feel it in my chest and stomach first, (remember way back when I asked where you first felt the anxiety)that's my signal to slow down, back off, shut up. BREATHE! and do a little self-check, what am I feeling and why.

I was in a meeting this week and I popped off at someone, I felt the anxiety and ignored it. I've been under the weather this week, defenses down, but still.

That's not who I want to be.

What's a bug post without a quote? The foundation of adult trust is not "You will never hurt me." It is "I trust myself with whatever you do. David Richo