melissa #999

[melissag]

OK, I talked with my L. He is awesome. My H, on the other hand . . . not so awesome.

I have been struggling for a while now with this idea of H trying to strong arm me into something or screw me over or whatever you want to call it. I just kept wanting to see the good in him. I told myself he is really trying to be nice, maybe he is just clueless, every excuse in the book.

Nope. It turns out, my L spoke with H's L yesterday. And, during the one conversation my H and his L had (which was right after I filed), H's L TOLD HIM (he told my L this) that in fact, his partnership interest is worth far more than zero (and likely way more that my H offered).

(Adinva, my H is trying to dicker it out in emails so that I will agree to something (and settle without the court having anything to do with it) that he knows damn well is way short of reality.)

Additionally, my H's L told him that, since he only works 900-1000 hours a year, he can be considered underemployed, and the court may impute income to him for someone who actually works full time - which would nearly double his income for purposes of determining maintenance and child support. Yet my wonderful H, in all his generosity and martyrdom, proposed that we use a number for his income which is so low, it isn't even supported by his ACTUAL INCOME.

My L knows H's L and has for years. He said that if he were to send the email over to H's L, H's L would tell my H that if he ever sends another email like that again, his L will no longer represent him.

At least on the plus side, my H has a good/respectable/smart lawyer.

So, yeah. You were all right. He's trying to weasel out of giving me what he knows full well I am entitled to. And he is using guilt, shame, anger, niceness, you name it - EVEN OUR KIDS NOW (suddenly demanding 50/50 custody?) to get me to agree to it.

I almost feel better now, knowing this. Now I don't have to worry about whether I am just being mean and assuming bad things about him (esp. since I HATE that he does that to me), or misunderstanding him, or whatever. So I will be sending that email in a bit, letting him know that anything D-related should go through the Ls.

It made me sad to find out that my H is just like every other douchebag guy out there.
(I am not saying that all guys are douchebags, just saying that guys who are douchebags are douchebags, and I never thought my H would be one of them.)

Yuck.

I do kind of wonder how my H fits this weaselly behavior into his narrative of being the good guy, but now that I am typing that's pretty obvious. This too, is my fault.

Insisting that you will only speak through lawyers is valid...if you cannot learn to communicate with him without reacting emotionally. I think you can.

Ad, it is possible that I could do this. Yes. I could certainly try my best. But let's be honest here - perhaps I am not a perfect (or even good) communicator, but the emotional reactions are coming mostly from my H, not me. Even if I communicated with him in an ideal manner, I can't make him stop the way he talks or thinks. He is just plain pissed off right now because I am not going along with his easy breezy "everything is awesome" (more bonus points for naming the movie) D.

Besides which, I am not going to agree to anything with him without the advice of my L, so I see no point in trying to communicate directly anyway. All I would do is ship H's next email right off to my L.

Betsey, you made a great point. (What else is new?) I mean, the one about how I need to figure out H and how he reacts, in order to be able to manage him going forward. I am somewhat limited in that, since I am never going to just agree to everything he says, but I can sure try. I will try responding with a non response next time instead of ignoring, and see what comes of it. I think the more detached I become (and let me tell you, he is definitely helping speed that process along lately), the better I will become at trying to figure out how to deal with him.

Interestingly, my H seems to have decided to ignore me now. Which I find funny. I wasn't ignoring him to piss him off. I was ignoring him because he was being insulting and disrespectful. But I guess to him it's a manipulation tactic. I sent him a (perfectly pleasant) text about D9 and her MD appointments, the meds, and a few other non-loaded, kid-related things. Crickets. We'll see. Maybe he will respond tonight.

3boyz, I knew you would love the fact that my H actually cited a Federal Rule of Evidence. In all caps. Did he forget that I am also a L, and that I am not intimidated by legal stuff?

At least my H is on his way out of town (I suspect to meet up with a younger woman, but we won't get into that and I will stop snooping), and I have my sweet kiddos (who are currently in the basement beating each other up -LOL!) all weekend. So I will just relax and enjoy.