Bonus points to Blues!! I am wondering when my kids will be old enough to watch ET. I loved it, but I do remember being extremely sad (even crying) when I thought ET was going to die. And I was 11.
OK, I texted my H about the medication and the details of MD appointments I made for her. I guess I should take it as a good thing that he is suddenly interested in these kinds of things (he would practically yawn if I tried to share with him before - as long as there was no blood or bones sticking out, he's not too interested), but I am still working on it not annoying the crap out of me.
OK, I will email him back and tell him to direct communications re: D terms to his/my L and not me. Perhaps then he can be more clear and not so pissy. (I am trying REALLY hard not to be seriously annoyed by his partnership interest paragraph with respect to"HIS" kids. Ohhhmmmmmmmm.)
Yes, I do think it will help me to do this. I think it will piss him off - after all, remember how he said that any response like "talk to my L" would mean he would assume (rightly, in his mind) that I want a war? But I can't worry about that. In all likelihood, he will be pissed off, but will get over it, instead of continuing to pick at me and be pissed off at me. Or at least, that's my hope.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Betsey, thank you. (I kind of thought his email sounded delusional myself.) I will update after I speak with my L. And I love that you, like me, see the world through purple colored glasses. You and I are sooooo going to some Rox games this summer!! (Assuming I can pry the tickets out of S7's hands.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Yes, I do think it will help me to do this. I think it will piss him off - after all, remember how he said that any response like "talk to my L" would mean he would assume (rightly, in his mind) that I want a war? But I can't worry about that. In all likelihood, he will be pissed off, but will get over it, instead of continuing to pick at me and be pissed off at me. Or at least, that's my hope.
You have done nothing to indicate that you want this to be war. But your H's email on the other hand is a different story. The fact that he quoted the federal rules of evidence killed me.
I think Melissa's H being an a$s is a given. It is what it is.
Melissa: learning not to be reactive is a skill and it can be developed with practice. Going ahead and reacting, and saying you can't help it because that's how you are, is not helpful. Learn, practice, plan, fail, try again, make progress.
The CD set I recommended is worth every penny.
Agreement stuff goes to the lawyers. Obviously he is misinformed or you are. Just give it straight to the lawyers with out a thought.
And my opinion: focus on what is best for your kids, really best for them. They are darn lucky to have a dad who is willing to have them 50% of the time. I know you think that's time away from you, but it should not be about you, it should be about the kids and what is best for them. The only question about his 50% is, is he able to manage his work and lifestyle to meet their needs for that much of the time? If you can avoid getting combative with him over it, and keep both of your focus on what the kids NEED, what is BEST for them, that would be ideal.
The reason that part spoke to me is that my H and I had become polar opposites on anything related to our kids. The nicer I was the meaner he was. The more I wanted them with me the more he spoke about boarding school. I was so used to reacting to whatever he said and feeling outraged and thinking he was horrible...that I couldn't see my way clear to what the kids needed. I just thought they needed whatever I wanted. My IC asked me to consider, well, do they need boarding school, can we afford boarding school, what would that do for them?
They are not going to boarding school. The point was I was so used to demonizing H's ideas about the kids that I wasn't willing to consider if his ideas might have some merit.
When there's a lot of spew going on, it becomes a lot harder to see what merit might be in there. That's where the skills come in.
Practice, how will you handle the next inflammatory email you know is coming? Insisting that you will only speak through lawyers is valid...if you cannot learn to communicate with him without reacting emotionally. I think you can.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oops, my mind had done some edits my fingers didn't catch up with.
I didn't intend to say you said you can't help it...I just meant to say that if you want to say that, I won't buy it.
It's not what you were taught, but you can learn it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD--Great points. And a good story with lessons learned. I think that many of us here lived lives where we wanted/needed/craved control, especially where the kids were concerned.
I am happy to report that most of my control issues were unwarranted and never came to roost. But then again, I got a new one. Melissa knows that my H likes to take my developmentally disabled D16 to bars with him to watch him play his guitar or watch one of his friends play. She's been doing it a long time, and while it bothers me on the surface, the band members are really nice to her and pretty much everyone knows. Her name. Norm...
Anyhoo, I see your point in giving his ideas merit. While the thought of boarding school really bristles me, I get it. Give in. See if it's not the issue but the dance. Knowing what kind of law her H practices, it's probably not going to happen that he'll even really want 50/50 time.
I do think that with some time and practice and maybe even a break from dealing with her H that Melissa will be able to do this without reacting emotionally. I just don't think it's realistic for her to expect to overcome these hurdles overnight. So maybe until she gets good at reading the situation and being able to accurately predict outcomes, the best bet is to let the L deal with dissolving the business part of their marriage while they attempt to find new ground in parenting. That's going to be hard enough.
I will say that you're getting better at predicting outcomes, Melissa. Even when faced with advice from us here. You realize that not answering him sends him into a tailspin. That's helpful all by itself. So the secret to managing this aspect of his spew is to answer him - even with a non answer. Whoever said in response to his friends jab, "I agree that we should parent together as cordially as possible" is the perfect example of that. You're not being goaded into the friends discussion, but reiterating that you want cooperation and harmony. And if that's the best you can do right now, then it is what it is.
AD, this whole thing started when Melissa went to a L who gave her some general ideas of what she was entitled to receive. And that's when she filed for S. Then her H went to an attorney, and he is obviously nervous that she's entitled to half his partnership. He knows full well it is worth something, hence this sort of combat tactic to strong arm her into thinking his way. It will all come out in the wash.
So in the end, give it to the lawyers. And you parent with him the best way possible.
Back to donning some purple glasses. I love purple! I can promise you that my next pedicure will include purple OPI polish and something baseball themed for the design. It's my "usual" for my birthday, which is usually right around opening day. Anytime, you got a date (if your S7 isn't around). I'll buy the beer!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Valuation of the partnership share is complicated, and it's going to come down to what the lawyers believe a court would reasonably agree to. So it's not going to be about whether H would like to think it's worth $0 or whether Melissa would like to think it's worth $10,000. It's not worth those two dickering in emails.
The trick is figuring out which things are in that category, and shoot them straight over to the lawyer to be the fall guy.
Parenting stuff, hopefully, will not end up going into that category.
I have been learning, as I go, that I never regret being open minded, dignified, and objective...and I almost always regret being dramatic, victimized, outraged or even bitingly sarcastic, when it comes to my STBX. I'm learning where my bread is buttered and what makes me feel best about myself and the sitch I found myself in.
I did about a year's worth of reading and counseling that Melissa hasn't been here long enough to have to do, so she's gotta get on the fast track. It doesn't happen overnight, but it doesn't happen all on its own either. It's a conscious effort to practice.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
OK, I talked with my L. He is awesome. My H, on the other hand . . . not so awesome.
I have been struggling for a while now with this idea of H trying to strong arm me into something or screw me over or whatever you want to call it. I just kept wanting to see the good in him. I told myself he is really trying to be nice, maybe he is just clueless, every excuse in the book.
Nope. It turns out, my L spoke with H's L yesterday. And, during the one conversation my H and his L had (which was right after I filed), H's L TOLD HIM (he told my L this) that in fact, his partnership interest is worth far more than zero (and likely way more that my H offered).
(Adinva, my H is trying to dicker it out in emails so that I will agree to something (and settle without the court having anything to do with it) that he knows damn well is way short of reality.)
Additionally, my H's L told him that, since he only works 900-1000 hours a year, he can be considered underemployed, and the court may impute income to him for someone who actually works full time - which would nearly double his income for purposes of determining maintenance and child support. Yet my wonderful H, in all his generosity and martyrdom, proposed that we use a number for his income which is so low, it isn't even supported by his ACTUAL INCOME.
My L knows H's L and has for years. He said that if he were to send the email over to H's L, H's L would tell my H that if he ever sends another email like that again, his L will no longer represent him.
At least on the plus side, my H has a good/respectable/smart lawyer.
So, yeah. You were all right. He's trying to weasel out of giving me what he knows full well I am entitled to. And he is using guilt, shame, anger, niceness, you name it - EVEN OUR KIDS NOW (suddenly demanding 50/50 custody?) to get me to agree to it.
I almost feel better now, knowing this. Now I don't have to worry about whether I am just being mean and assuming bad things about him (esp. since I HATE that he does that to me), or misunderstanding him, or whatever. So I will be sending that email in a bit, letting him know that anything D-related should go through the Ls.
It made me sad to find out that my H is just like every other douchebag guy out there. (I am not saying that all guys are douchebags, just saying that guys who are douchebags are douchebags, and I never thought my H would be one of them.)
Yuck.
I do kind of wonder how my H fits this weaselly behavior into his narrative of being the good guy, but now that I am typing that's pretty obvious. This too, is my fault.
Quote:
Insisting that you will only speak through lawyers is valid...if you cannot learn to communicate with him without reacting emotionally. I think you can.
Ad, it is possible that I could do this. Yes. I could certainly try my best. But let's be honest here - perhaps I am not a perfect (or even good) communicator, but the emotional reactions are coming mostly from my H, not me. Even if I communicated with him in an ideal manner, I can't make him stop the way he talks or thinks. He is just plain pissed off right now because I am not going along with his easy breezy "everything is awesome" (more bonus points for naming the movie) D.
Besides which, I am not going to agree to anything with him without the advice of my L, so I see no point in trying to communicate directly anyway. All I would do is ship H's next email right off to my L.
Betsey, you made a great point. (What else is new?) I mean, the one about how I need to figure out H and how he reacts, in order to be able to manage him going forward. I am somewhat limited in that, since I am never going to just agree to everything he says, but I can sure try. I will try responding with a non response next time instead of ignoring, and see what comes of it. I think the more detached I become (and let me tell you, he is definitely helping speed that process along lately), the better I will become at trying to figure out how to deal with him.
Interestingly, my H seems to have decided to ignore me now. Which I find funny. I wasn't ignoring him to piss him off. I was ignoring him because he was being insulting and disrespectful. But I guess to him it's a manipulation tactic. I sent him a (perfectly pleasant) text about D9 and her MD appointments, the meds, and a few other non-loaded, kid-related things. Crickets. We'll see. Maybe he will respond tonight.
3boyz, I knew you would love the fact that my H actually cited a Federal Rule of Evidence. In all caps. Did he forget that I am also a L, and that I am not intimidated by legal stuff?
At least my H is on his way out of town (I suspect to meet up with a younger woman, but we won't get into that and I will stop snooping), and I have my sweet kiddos (who are currently in the basement beating each other up -LOL!) all weekend. So I will just relax and enjoy.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I do kind of wonder how my H fits this weaselly behavior into his narrative of being the good guy, but now that I am typing that's pretty obvious. This too, is my fault.
Why do you continue to devalue yourself in this process? It is NOT your fault that your H is a broken man. You did not make him this way at all.
Can you try to stop with that awful stinkin' thinkin' and shower yourself with TLC?
3boyz, I knew you would love the fact that my H actually cited a Federal Rule of Evidence. In all caps. Did he forget that I am also a L, and that I am not intimidated by legal stuff?
From where I'm sitting, I found it very interesting that H is throwing out every conceivable thing at you and then ends it with a battering ram hoping to scare the bejesus outta you with the "federal" stuff. LOL! That is the final, desperate act of a delusional man. And he knows it.
Why else wouldn't he look into your eyes the other day? He knows he's beat.
I do kind of wonder how my H fits this weaselly behavior into his narrative of being the good guy...
Who cares?
What do you have planned this weekend?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I am wondering when my kids will be old enough to watch ET. I loved it, but I do remember being extremely sad (even crying) when I thought ET was going to die. And I was 11.