Ad, I love your responses. It's not that I think those up and reject them. I literally just don't think that way. Yet. I don't know if it's just that I am not detached enough, or I just have a certain way of thinking so ingrained, or what. Yes, it's a practice. I will keep working on it. Posting here and getting feedback is really helpful . . . I am hopeful that it will click for me at some point.
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Think about this. What causes your frustration in dealing with him? And how much of that is in your control? And what can you do right now to begin controlling that part?
I think my frustration is the same as it has been through most of the M. I don't feel heard, or valued, or respected by him. How much of that is in my control? Well, all of it is, right? I can't make him hear or value or respect me, but I can just accept that he doesn't and drop any expectation of him doing so. It definitely goes back to the barking cat analogy . . . I think I have done a pretty good job of giving up trying to make him bark, but I think I am still let down/angry/insulted/frustrated/hurt when he doesn't. I need to work on that.
Update. I did not respond to H's friend line of questioning, but I did respond to the kid issues. I told him that I am making D9 a couple of appointments to figure out her sleep issues, that this S has been hard on S7, and that I plan to take them to see a therapist if/when that becomes necessary.
We again discussed talking to the kids about things, but didn't come to an agreement of when that would work. He did not respond to me about the Nuggets tickets, but asked what I planned to do with our baseball season tickets. I told him I have no plan. He said he has no interest in going to any games (major 180 for him), but that, his words, he doesn't feel like handing me a $6,000 asset right now - "I suppose that will be one more thing we can pay lawyers to resolve."
He came to drop off the kids this morning, didn't say hi or bye and wouldn't look at me. An hour later, I got another email. I am editing it down a little bc much of it regards details about assets, etc. The bottom line is that it seems he has decided that he will no longer play Mister Nice Guy, but is now going to fight me.
(And for those who are curious, Rule 408 is a rule of federal evidence that says you can't introduce into evidence a prior offer made by someone in the course of good faith negotiations. Um, OK.)
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"RULE 408 COMMUNICATION IN COMPROMISE
Please consider my offer of January 25 rescinded. That was contingent on us working something out to our mutual benefit in a cooperative environment. Because that does not appear to be happening, I propose the following:
1) Parenting Time: joint custody 50/50 time. We can discuss whether you believe a "week on, week off" approach is better than a 5/2/2/5 approach but I want my kids 50% of the time. With respect to major holidays/events (birthdays/thanksgiving/New Years'/Christmas) I suggest we alternate years. My understanding is that there are standard provisions regarding joint decision making with respect to medical decisions as well that we should address in greater detail. This is where I believe lawyers will be most useful.
2) Asset division: I believe that my [law firm] partnership interest and "professional goodwill" is worth zero. To the extent that it is worth anything, I believe it is offset by your personal goodwill that you gained from spending 9+ years with my kids while I worked. I think a reasonable approach would be for you to give me half of your goodwill in exchange for half of mine. Because that's not a possibility and I'll never get that time or relationship with my kids back, and because apparently the state of Colorado values that at zero, I am willing to value my partnership interest at $X. We would then split all the assets 50/50. If the equity in the house is worth $X, that puts our total assets at about $X (assuming we only pay $50,000 to our lawyers) including my personal goodwill. I would give you $X - the equity in the house, half of our retirement funds (about $X) and $X in cash/marketable securities.
[Then he goes on, using the statutory formula for maintenance, and misunderstanding the statutory guidelines for child support. And leaving out the fact that his income means we are outside the statutory guidelines altogether anyway.)
That's my offer."
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Uggggghhh. I don't know how to handle my H. It doesn't matter what I do. Respond, don't respond, be nice, ignore him, etc. It seems that most everything I do (other than agree with him wholeheartedly and accept all the blame for everything) sets him off. And then he wants to be my friend. I don't get it. I can only assume that I am ruining his fantasy world of how he thought getting D was going to look.
So, yes, I can control my own feelings about it. I won't lie, when I got that email I was pretty appalled. Especially at the paragraph about the kids. I have managed to not be personally insulted, but I am still kind of disgusted.
The thing is, whatever will be will be. He can be nice, mean, run up the lawyer's fees, etc. But in the end, the terms of the D will be me getting what I am entitled to. Nothing more and nothing less. I just have to stand my ground and get through this without going completely insane.
I forwarded the email to my L, and we are going to chat later this afternoon. My L is a very level headed guy - he won't rip into H and how delusional he is - he will just stay on topic. What's the law, what is the practical way of handling things. I am thankful for that. That's exactly what I need, though I am trying, my emotions are definitely still very much entangled in all of this.
So. I am thinking about saying, "thank you for your thoughts, I will forward this on to my L." ??
Also, this morning my D9 told me that they had gone shopping and couldn't find a medication she needs to take for two weeks. I actually found it earlier this week and bought enough for both houses. I was going to let H know that, but when I get this kind of stuff from him, it makes me slink back and not want to offer up anything, even nice things.
Or is this an example of leaving the D terms to the lawyers, and communicating nicely about the kids?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
We have encouraged you to remove yourself completely from H's communications regarding legal matters, proposals, and what not.
Here's a suggestion: H,
Thank you for your email.
I am passing this on to my attorney to review. For future communications regarding asset divisions, divorce, and other pertinent matters, please direct all of these communications to my attorney. Please ensure that all communications are directed to him/her going forward from today and on.
I will not respond to any of your further emails that do NOT relate to the children's activities.
Working together on the co-parenting aspect in terms of school schedules, health issues (flu, stomachache, etc), clothing items, parent meetings is something that we will need to do here for KidName and KidName.
I agree that trying to get along with one another will be good for the kids.
M - Your H is acting like a huge A$$. If I received that email, I would be appalled. He is living in delusional land at the moment.
I would respond with "I received your revised proposal and have forwarded it my L." I don't even think he deserves the "thank you for your thoughts."
As for the medication, I would make sure you D brings it the next time she heads to H's house. Your D needs the meds. While your H should be able to figure it out (considering he wants them 50/50), I would just make sure she has it this time. No need to punish your D because you H cant figure it out.
I am passing this on to my attorney to review. For future communications regarding asset divisions, divorce, and other pertinent matters, please direct all of these communications to my attorney. Please ensure that all communications are directed to him/her going forward from today and on.
I will not respond to any of your further emails that do NOT relate to the children's activities.
Working together on the co-parenting aspect in terms of school schedules, health issues (flu, stomachache, etc), clothing items, parent meetings is something that we will need to do here for KidName and KidName.
I agree that trying to get along with one another will be good for the kids.
I want to share a bit about my experience in my dealings with Ms. Wonka and my legal team.
When it came right down to the sale of the house, it was a very difficult time for emotionally and mentally. I instructed my legal team to inform Ms. Wonka's legal team that Ms. Wonka was not to communicate with me at all during the entire process.
Ms. Wonka did contact me directly and I did not respond to her. I just informed my lawyers that Ms. Wonka did communicate with me and I asked them to tell her to back off. Then after that, Ms. Wonka did not try to communicate with me at all throughout the negotiations and all of the attendant legal stuff.
My lawyers were there to protect my best financial interests with the added benefit of being my buffer in all of the dealings with Ms. Wonka. Lawyers do protect you in several ways.
Oops, I wasn't very clear. With respect to D's meds. I wasn't going to not send the meds (jeez, I am mortified it sounded like that!), I was going to text my H and tell him not to worry about finding them, that I have bought enough and will send them over.
It's just that I feel attacked and then I don't feel like reaching out and being nice.
So I was asking, should I just suck it up and be nice? My instincts tell me to just get the hell away from him.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
So because you wouldn't commit to being "friends", all of a sudden he decided to bare his teeth and claws? WTF? My guess is his definition of "friends" is that you don't argue with him and give him what he believes is fair. Not to mention to answer him in a time frame that he deems acceptable.
Be pleasant and neutral because you're going to have to co-parent with him. But nice? No. He's not being nice to you by sending that fricking diatribe.
I totally agree with Wonka. You have him forward all matters on the dissolution to your L and back the hell off.
I'm sure the Ls are going to tell him if he wants to split parenting time, he will no longer be able to stay in the Dad Pad. I have a few friends with kids of opposite gender, and the courts are pretty firm that boys and girls must be separated. Otherwise, he gets to share a bedroom with your S7, and I don't believe that's a great idea. Maybe temporary, but not long term.
I dunno, Melissa. I think your H sounds like a control freak who absolutely cannot handle not having his way. I see a man who is furiously stabbing at buttons to get you to engage with him - in any fashion - since it is readily apparent to him that you're not playing his game or taking on the role that you used to play (to his advantage).
His proposal is absolutely ludicrous. Insane, actually.
I hope your L can get you to a good place by the end of the day. He's nuts. I'd say your instincts are spot on.
Betsey
p.s. I don't have any delusions about the Rox either, but I love baseball and everything about it. At least the Rox don't ever look as listless and unmotivated and stupid as the Nugs do right now.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
