melissa #999

[melissag]

Ad, I love your responses. It's not that I think those up and reject them. I literally just don't think that way. Yet. I don't know if it's just that I am not detached enough, or I just have a certain way of thinking so ingrained, or what. Yes, it's a practice. I will keep working on it. Posting here and getting feedback is really helpful . . . I am hopeful that it will click for me at some point.

Think about this. What causes your frustration in dealing with him? And how much of that is in your control? And what can you do right now to begin controlling that part?

I think my frustration is the same as it has been through most of the M. I don't feel heard, or valued, or respected by him. How much of that is in my control? Well, all of it is, right? I can't make him hear or value or respect me, but I can just accept that he doesn't and drop any expectation of him doing so. It definitely goes back to the barking cat analogy . . . I think I have done a pretty good job of giving up trying to make him bark, but I think I am still let down/angry/insulted/frustrated/hurt when he doesn't. I need to work on that.

Update. I did not respond to H's friend line of questioning, but I did respond to the kid issues. I told him that I am making D9 a couple of appointments to figure out her sleep issues, that this S has been hard on S7, and that I plan to take them to see a therapist if/when that becomes necessary.

We again discussed talking to the kids about things, but didn't come to an agreement of when that would work. He did not respond to me about the Nuggets tickets, but asked what I planned to do with our baseball season tickets. I told him I have no plan. He said he has no interest in going to any games (major 180 for him), but that, his words, he doesn't feel like handing me a $6,000 asset right now - "I suppose that will be one more thing we can pay lawyers to resolve."

He came to drop off the kids this morning, didn't say hi or bye and wouldn't look at me. An hour later, I got another email. I am editing it down a little bc much of it regards details about assets, etc. The bottom line is that it seems he has decided that he will no longer play Mister Nice Guy, but is now going to fight me.

(And for those who are curious, Rule 408 is a rule of federal evidence that says you can't introduce into evidence a prior offer made by someone in the course of good faith negotiations. Um, OK.)


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"RULE 408 COMMUNICATION IN COMPROMISE

Please consider my offer of January 25 rescinded. That was contingent on us working something out to our mutual benefit in a cooperative environment. Because that does not appear to be happening, I propose the following:

1) Parenting Time: joint custody 50/50 time. We can discuss whether you believe a "week on, week off" approach is better than a 5/2/2/5 approach but I want my kids 50% of the time. With respect to major holidays/events (birthdays/thanksgiving/New Years'/Christmas) I suggest we alternate years. My understanding is that there are standard provisions regarding joint decision making with respect to medical decisions as well that we should address in greater detail. This is where I believe lawyers will be most useful.

2) Asset division: I believe that my [law firm] partnership interest and "professional goodwill" is worth zero. To the extent that it is worth anything, I believe it is offset by your personal goodwill that you gained from spending 9+ years with my kids while I worked. I think a reasonable approach would be for you to give me half of your goodwill in exchange for half of mine. Because that's not a possibility and I'll never get that time or relationship with my kids back, and because apparently the state of Colorado values that at zero, I am willing to value my partnership interest at $X. We would then split all the assets 50/50. If the equity in the house is worth $X, that puts our total assets at about $X (assuming we only pay $50,000 to our lawyers) including my personal goodwill. I would give you $X - the equity in the house, half of our retirement funds (about $X) and $X in cash/marketable securities.

[Then he goes on, using the statutory formula for maintenance, and misunderstanding the statutory guidelines for child support. And leaving out the fact that his income means we are outside the statutory guidelines altogether anyway.)

That's my offer."

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Uggggghhh. I don't know how to handle my H. It doesn't matter what I do. Respond, don't respond, be nice, ignore him, etc. It seems that most everything I do (other than agree with him wholeheartedly and accept all the blame for everything) sets him off. And then he wants to be my friend. I don't get it. I can only assume that I am ruining his fantasy world of how he thought getting D was going to look.

So, yes, I can control my own feelings about it. I won't lie, when I got that email I was pretty appalled. Especially at the paragraph about the kids. I have managed to not be personally insulted, but I am still kind of disgusted.

The thing is, whatever will be will be. He can be nice, mean, run up the lawyer's fees, etc. But in the end, the terms of the D will be me getting what I am entitled to. Nothing more and nothing less. I just have to stand my ground and get through this without going completely insane.

I forwarded the email to my L, and we are going to chat later this afternoon. My L is a very level headed guy - he won't rip into H and how delusional he is - he will just stay on topic. What's the law, what is the practical way of handling things. I am thankful for that. That's exactly what I need, though I am trying, my emotions are definitely still very much entangled in all of this.

So. I am thinking about saying, "thank you for your thoughts, I will forward this on to my L." ??

Also, this morning my D9 told me that they had gone shopping and couldn't find a medication she needs to take for two weeks. I actually found it earlier this week and bought enough for both houses. I was going to let H know that, but when I get this kind of stuff from him, it makes me slink back and not want to offer up anything, even nice things.

Or is this an example of leaving the D terms to the lawyers, and communicating nicely about the kids?