I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

gogofo. I believe the separation HAS been good in terms of pumping the brakes and letting us both cool off a bit. We're more civilized toward each other now since before she dropped the bomb on me. A lot of that was due to me finally GAL and acting more like myself. Which she has noticed because she mentioned it on Sunday.

I know both of us are tired of the separation. Neither of us like it one bit. BUT, I don't think I'm in a position to be the one to stand up and say enough is enough. If she were to say that she wants to end the separation and start working on our marriage, I wouldn't hesitate (although I wouldn't do it in a way that doesn't make me seem to eager).

I found it interesting that she even brought it up on Sunday. Why did she? She wasn't sure if she wanted a divorce but she wanted to know what I thought about the separation?

I'm not trying to read her mind but she's a VERY closed off person. She does not share her feelings. At all. This has been the case her whole life (per her parents....her mom warned me of this when we first got together). She wants to be perceived as strong and NOTHING is bothering her (when it really is). Basically, she was primed from birth to be a WAW.

[AnotherStander]

Obviously if we did end the separation and start peicing, there is still SO much work to be done.

I wouldn't get anxious about that, do you keep up with Jon's sitch? That'll give you a good idea of what happens when the WAS comes back too soon without having done their work.

[trc2009]

I think that's why I have to let her be the one to truly do that.

She has been doing her work. I just don't know if she's done or close to being done with her work. Her P.A's have stopped and she said she's going to start going to her I.C. every couple months now instead of twice a month. She is making the changes in her life that she needs to (getting a job, exercising more, becoming less dependent on me doing things for her, etc.).

I don't think she wants to get a divorce. I think just think she's seen that she doesn't need me for her to be happy (which I shouldn't be responsible for her happiness). And she's afraid that if we are back under the same roof again that it will take away her "happiness." That may or may not happen. At some point if we do R wouldn't that have to be a leap of faith? It may happen this weekend. It may happen three months from now. But at either point wouldn't it still be a leap of faith?

I'm just afraid that she'll extend an olive branch and I'll be too turned around to see it. I've been very confused this week with this. We seemed more like a married couple this week than we have in months.

Trust me, the last thing I want to see is the separation to end and in a month we're back in the same spot we were a month ago when the separation started.

[Bunches]

TRC, I feel your pain. So much happning of late you want to believe something is happening and soon. I know you are worried about missing the olive branch but the alternative is that we get so excited that we begin to pressure and push them away again. I for myself am extatic that you are feeling more comfortable but would suggest caution. It may be healthier to just put those thoughts away for now and keep working without expectation.

[trc2009]

The good news is that I have stuff going on tonight and all day tomorrow. Even better, she knows I do. Me GAL has very much got her thinking. She wouldn't have brought it up with me on Sunday if she wasn't noticing.

I'll see her Sunday. If she brings it up again, we can talk about it then. If not, it's on to another week.

Something is different though than it was. It's not like it was this time a week ago. And DEFINITELY better than it was two weeks ago. She may still be leaning toward a d. But if she was leaning closer to a d than she was on Sunday, her attitude toward me has not indicated it. Knowing her the way I do, if she was REALLY close to a D, she would be avoiding conversations with me like the plague. Yet she is calling me and texting me from time to time about things that could most certainly wait until we talk at night.

I'm trying to look at this like a gas gauge. But instead of Full (F) and Empty (E) I have Marriage (M) and Divorce (D). She indicated Sunday she was leaning toward D but it definitely was not her final decision. If I had to guess today where she is, I'd say she may still be leaning a little toward (D) but closer to half-full.

Cheesy analogy I know, but moving that needle is the goal for me.

[trc2009]

Obviously I don't want

Obviously if we did end the separation and start peicing, there is still SO much work to be done.

I wouldn't get anxious about that, do you keep up with Jon's sitch? That'll give you a good idea of what happens when the WAS comes back too soon without having done their work.

A.S., obviously I don't want her to end the separation if she doesn't want to or is really not ready. But I don't think I could turn her down if she indicates that's what she wants.

As her husband, if she tells me she's ready, I have to assume she's ready. But that doesn't mean we can fall back into the same dynamic that put us there in the first place.

Basically, it's the old saying that if you make it through this still married, your marriage will only be stronger as a result.

[trc2009]

W had a stick up her butt this weekend about something. A lot of little mean comments. For instance, she said she's uncomfortable being around me for a long time because she has things be careful what she says to me. Haven't the slightest idea what that was supposed to mean but I let it go. Didn't bring up r or m with her at all. I could tell she's holding something back. She said she just needs to find a job as quickly as possible.

She did mention her mom was giving her a hard time about the S. I didn't touch that with a 10 ft poll. I'm guessing her bad mood has a lot to do with that.

Other than that it was a good weekend. Had fun and kept my mouth shut when she had a bad attitude toward me.

[trc2009]

The mood swings of a W.A.S. can be discouraging yet entertaining all at the same time.

I was on my phone when I typed the last message yesterday so I'm going to elaborate. Good news, 17 days since last conversation devolved into an argument/fight.

I had a good weekend. Went to a b-ball game Friday night, worked out Saturday morning, and went out of town to see my brother and his family Saturday. It was a lot of fun (but started really missing the kids on Saturday...couldn't wait to see them on Sunday).

Hadn't seen W since Thursday evening. I left that night and thought things were okay as I mentioned in a previous post. It was her weekend w/ the kids. Her parents had everyone over to their house on Saturday for lunch. Something CLEARLY happened. I called Saturday night to say goodnight to the kids. She wouldn't even spend two seconds on the phone w/ me....which is incredibly odd. No biggie though.

I came back to the house on Sunday to spend some time with the kids, do laundry, and generally just hang out. Holy crap. She's ticked off about something. Fortunately, I hadn't seen her since Thursday so it probably wasn't something I did. She was making comments similar to what she was saying after we were first separated. For instance, our son was watching Star Wars. I made a comment about how cool it would be to be able to do a Jedi Mind Trick. You would have thought I just kicked a baby with that comment. "Why would you want to be able to do that? That's so shady." She went on and on for another 30 seconds about it. You....cannot....make....this....stuff....up.

Later this week, I'll be staying at the house with the kids for four days in a row. She said her mom "made it very clear that she does not like the fact that she's having to stay with them." (and she was starting to cry. She said she didn't want to talk about it so I let it go). Not that she isn't welcome, but I'm guessing her mom said something to the tune of "enough is enough, you need to go back to your home with your husband and work this out." That's just how her mom is. As much as I agree with her mom on this, they don't have the best relationship and that coming from her probably just made her mad. And of course, she's projecting that anger onto me.

Fortunately, I did very well through all of this yesterday. I gave her the option of staying at the house one of those four nights (being away four days in a row isn't easy). She said she appreciated it but those are my nights and she would figure it out. I even told her that she doesn't have to leave as soon as I get there. She hedged a bit at this. She said "she can't be around me for a long period of time because she still feels like she has to be careful what she says around me." Again, I haven't the slightest clue what that was supposed to mean.

I knew yesterday was probably the worst possible day to get into a deep discussion with her so I let it all go. It would have gotten bad. A month ago, there would have been no way I could have let all of that go because she was being completely out of line. Kudo's to DB/DR for this. I've learned a lot in the last month.

I kept on my happy face, told her that she can come/go/stay as she pleases. I told her that I'm not uncomfortable around her at all (strangely enough, I'm not that much anymore. Yesterday was a little strange but not uncomfortable) and it's just good for me to be in the house spending time with the kids. She really didn't have much of a response to that.

This is most definitely the biggest mood swing I've seen her have. I'm sure there's more to the story but I'm letting it go. It seems to me (based on the Star Wars comment and the way the rest of the visit went) that she's really trying to find reasons to be mad at me and/or hate me. My guess is that her mom (and maybe her sister) wanted a status update on what's going on. And they aren't shy about sharing their opinions. They probably called her out on some stuff. Which is probably a good/bad thing. A good thing for the long term, bad thing for the short term. She needs to be open & honest with them. I haven't had much, if any contact with her family but I do know they're supportive of me and they understand how stubborn she can be. They are pretty much aware of the fact that she's the one that's checked out. I haven't tried to contact them at all or sway them in any way. I've been letting them do that work for me because they won't let her hide her head in the sand and just walk away.

[trc2009]

Question for the board.

Is it typical for a WAS to feel little trust toward the LBS for no real reason?

Not in terms of infidelity or safety concerns. But it's almost like my W is constantly thinking in the back of her head that I'm going to do something in a sneaky way that's out to screw her.

Which is so hard for me to wrap my hands around. My wife and I have had a marriage built around mutual respect and trust. Even with some of our issues, I don't think either of us would say that one of us didn't trust the other. I think that's why we've never really had a fight about money, the kids, or "other people."

It's almost like every little thing that comes out of my mouth the last couple of days gets turned around on me like I'm a some stranger trying to rip her off. And I've been acting no different than I was the previous two weeks.

COMPLETELY CONFUSING! She did this the first couple weeks we were separated and then it seemed like she chilled out a for a couple of weeks. Then she's back to this. And I've literally done nothing different the last several days.

[Bunches]

I can completely relate to your last two posts. Every time W is confronted by family members it seems like I am dispised. I didn't say anything and am trying not to discuss with family these days just to be sure nothing gets back around in any way, but...still seems to happen and hate mode comes back.

The trust thing too. My W spent the first 4 months making comments about expecting me to go into a mean and terrible mode at some point and attack. She says I hold grudges worse than anyone she knows. Okay...I do like to remember little things and bring them back up, usually just to taunt (trying to 180) but nothing vindictive or hurtful that I can think of ever. I can't explain this one though. But I can relate.

Also, I would like to add that the Jedi Mind Trick would be nice to have. Especially now...