I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

I keep finding myself re-reading the chapter of DR about MLC. At first I was just going to gloss over it because my wife is only 27 and CERTAINLY that couldn't be impacting her.

Then I started to read more and I did a search about 20-somethings having "quarter-life crisis'."

We started dating when she just turned 21. She was independent, self-sufficient, had a job, had a year to go in college, was dating casually but nothing serious, and generally got to do whatever she wanted to do. Then I came along. The first 4-6 months or so were awesome. Great connection. Tons of sex. Everyone/everything else seemed unimportant. Then BAM! We find our she's pregnant with our son.

I was already getting ready to buy a house before this and she planned on moving in with me. So we were already taking serious steps before that time. She had our son, things were still good and then we got married. But all of the things that I mentioned above (independent, self-sufficient, had a job, had a year to go in college, was dating casually but nothing serious, and generally got to do whatever she wanted to do) was pretty much gone. She worked for about a year after our son was born and we made the decision for her to stay home.

She's a WAW as we've discussed in length. But she said she really wasn't considering a divorce until we were separated and she said she felt like herself again in the first time in 6 years (aka, before we met). I've been 180'ing, detaching, and all of that and things have been pretty good between us for the last couple of weeks. When she brought up the M question on Sunday she said it wasn't her final decision but she's still leaning toward a divorce.

I'm sure she's scared that if we end the separation and try to work on the M under the same roof, she's going to feel that she's lose the independence & feeling of freedom that she's picked up over the last month. And that she'll just get sucked back in to feeling "trapped." Which MWD indicates is a sign of a MLC.

Does this sound crazy?

[trc2009]

Oh.....Day 11 of no conversations devolving into an argument/fight.

Starting to think of some other goals as well.

I started working out again before we were separated but after the bomb. I'm seeing VERY noticeable results. Obviously one of my goals is to keep that going indefinitely. But that's kind of generic. Something I should be doing regardless of my M.

I think another goal is to keep allowing her to initiate the conversations about the M. That seemed to have a bit of an impact on Sunday even though she said she was still leaning toward a D. I think if I EVER bring it up, she will backslide (and me as well). It seemed like she was much more open and curious about what I was doing and how I was doing. Which indicates to me that this "new me" is a bit of a mystery to her. I'm no longer wearing my heart on my sleeve. Along those lines, keep looking for signs of things I can do to show "improvement" on my end. Going to therapy for my temper is one. Just being generally happy and energetic around her and the kids is another.

She doesn't want to be around me if I'm grumpy and boring when I'm around her and the kids.

[Scorp7]

I think it's certainly possible your W is experiencing something similar to a MLC. My W is 35 and I believe that is partly what is happening with her as well, although my W's may also be partly due to clinical depression that possibly started out as post partum.

Perhaps you could suggest to your W that being M does not necessarily have to mean a loss of freedom. She may just need more time to do things on her own, find interests for herself etc.

[trc2009]

I agree Scorp. Giving her the space she needs is critical for her. And me GAL and detaching will help that. It's helped so far.

Actually, if this does drag on for months with no indication of a D from her, I wouldn't be surprised to see her try to find her own place just to get TRUE space (not having to split time at the house).

I am fully open to her doing whatever she needs to do to feel her freedom again OTHER than ending the marriage. Getting a job? YES! Connecting with old friends? YES! Finishing her degree? YES! Travelling more? YES!

All of those things would be good for her and if we remain married I'm certain they would be good for the marriage.

[gogofo]

TRC

I think our Ws are in a similar situation. When my W and I met she was fresh off of her Masters and I was starting my career. Fast forward 9 years and I was over committed to work and she is working on a doctorate. She is a WAW and I think having at least a partial or mild MLC.

I also heard the fact that she lost who she "was" and wanted to recapture that. I also know she felt trapped as well. IMO the only thing she could do to capture some control was to separate. Work and doctorate are a requirement but I guess our M could be optional.

She said she now remembers who she "was" and likes it, but I like it as too and more than I did 9 years ago.

She has always been self sufficient and does not need me to support her and vice versa.

I also share your sentiment about being open to friends, career, degrees, travel, etc. I have done all I could to support her on these things. She was in Dublin and Spain twice in less than 10 months. Damn that revisionist history!

I wish logic would conquer emotions and our Ws could see that they can have all of that and the support and love of their H while remaining M.

That is basically where I am is being a better more attractive H and supporting her and her endeavors while detached, giving her space, and GAL myself.

Congrats on the 11 day streak and keep at it!

[trc2009]

Day 12.

We've had a good couple days. W and are are communicating a little more effortlessly in terms of our general chit-chat. Had a good night last night. Went to our sons B-ball game. Drove separate but we sat together and talked and were very nice toward each other. Dropped the kids off at the house and when I left both of us were very upbeat. Asked her opinion about which therapist to see about the temper issues I have. That's a pretty strong sticking point for her and I have to make strides in fixing that issue if this will work for the long-term. It's okay to be frustrated or mad at her. But never lose my temper to the point of scaring her.

I'll be staying at the house with the kids tonight and she'll likely be staying at her parents. Excited about this because it's been 3 nights since I've stayed at the house with the kids and this will likely be the last night until next week.

No conversation about R or M at all since she brought it up on Sunday which is good. I'll continue to let her guide that ship. It does seem like she's letting her guard down just slightly but it's really too hard to tell for sure so I'll just continue doing what I've been doing.

It feels good but until we're back under the same roof I think I have to continue doing what I have been doing. It would be so easy to jump the gun because part of me thinks if I ask her if it's time to end the separation and start working toward peicing, that she'd agree to that. But it's too soon. Again, just on Sunday she said it wasn't her final decision but she was still leaning toward divorce. Until I get signs to the contrary I think that I need to assume that's still the case.

[trc2009]

Have had a decent couple of days. Both of us were pretty tired yesterday but I came over to watch the kids for a few hours while she went grocery shopping and left not long after.

She did say she texted her friend to see what IC her husband went to and see if it's one he would recommend. I feel keeping her in the loop with that is essential because she's kept me in the loop for the most part w/ her IC.

Again, I'm going for issues with losing my temper with her. It's only happened a few times in our time together and it never led to me hitting her or anything like that. BUT, when I lose my temper I can very much see how scary and intimidating that could be for her. I have to learn to calm myself down before I ever get to that point. Again, it's not a regular thing and lord knows each of those times I had a right to be angry or frustrated at her. But never to a point of losing my temper.

My two goals now are this.

#1 No conversations that devolve into arguments/fights.
#2 See an IC for my temper issues and keep her informed with how that is going. Obviously I'm doing it for myself but I am for her as well. I actually think this could be a deal breaker for her.

#1 is going splendidly. We're now on Day 14 of no conversations devolving into an argument. Our conversations for the most part are kind and civilized. The last two weeks have easily been the best two weeks since we separated. Again on Sunday, she said it wasn't her final decision but she's still leaning toward D. Which is a good/bad thing I think. If anything, it means she just isn't sure that we're going to slip back into the cycle we were in from 1/2/14 - 1/25/14 that led to the separation. I guess if we end the separation, there will probably have to be a leap of faith that we won't ever go back there.

#2 I'm hoping to have an appt. setup by early next week. This is a must. I should have done this a few years ago the first time I lost my temper with her.

[Bunches]

Honestly, I don't think I would take anything to heart from her saying she is still leaning towards D. If she said anything else it would have to mean she is ready to work for it. It's great news that you guys have had two solid good weeks. Keep up the great work!

[trc2009]

It's definitely hard not to "believe" that she's still leaning toward a D. Things have definitely been different since she told me that on Sunday but not necessarily in a bad way. Things just seem more "normal" between us when we talk. We are still separated and when we do see each other it isn't often. I'm not going to see her until Sunday (she knows I'm going to a basketball game tonight and heading out of town to see my brother on Saturday). We'll talk on the phone when I call to say goodnight to the kids but that's about it. Part of me would LOVE to bring up the status of the separation on Sunday and my God will it be tempting.

BUT......it all comes back to whether or not she REALLY wants to end the separation and have us both under the same roof. And it's pretty much implied that she has to be the one to suggest it am I right? I've been racking my brain of what to say if she brings up how I'm feeling about the separation again. I don't want to seem to eager and have it blow up in my face.

The problem is with her, she has a hard time making concrete decisions. Especially BIG concrete decisions that cannot be reversed. "I don't care" and "whatever you think is best" have been two of her favorite sayings since we met. Part of me truly thinks that she would like to try to get things back to normal and we can see how things progress from there. I don't think D is imminent in her mind, but she can't rule it completely out either.

Obviously if we did end the separation and start peicing, there is still SO much work to be done. I would still have to stick to my two goals and continue the work I've done so far (although scale back the 180's a bit).

[gogofo]

And it's pretty much implied that she has to be the one to suggest it am I right? I've been racking my brain of what to say if she brings up how I'm feeling about the separation again. I don't want to seem to eager and have it blow up in my face.

Yes, let her bring it up. I know it is hard but try not to pursue or pressure her into making a decision both of you may regret.

As to what to say about separation?

My W and I had a little blow up two weeks ago. She thought my visit to her parents was to get them to go against her or something, whatever. Anyways we had a heated talk in the garage and I asked if "she really wanted to have this conversation now?" She said "Go ahead."

I told her - "I think the S is good for us but I do not know how to feel about us and R. I have work to do on myself before I can even thing about our R." I this is honestly how I feel, even with all the pain that has been caused and still comes up.

This may be an option for you on how to approach the situation. Our situations are pretty similar, but for some reason it is easier to look objectively at someone else's sitch.

My opinion is that I will fix myself while I wait and see if/when she brings up the R talk. Until then I will continuously improve myself.