Wow, I REALLY feel like blasting my H. After sleeping on it, I woke up this morning feeling disgusted that my H thinks he can treat me the way he has and we will still be friends. Seriously? It just boggles the mind.
I suppose it's useless to even say anything. After all, he has shown so far that he isn't capable (or willing?) to consider anyone else's feelings other than his own, so why would me saying anything make any difference?
It is so frustrating dealing with him.
I remember a little while back, 3boyz said that she had thought about it and realized that her H doesn't bring any added value into her life. That's how I feel about my H right now. In fact, not only does he not add anything, but he subtracts. If we didn't have kids together, he is the kind of person I would remove from my life entirely, because all he does is suck my energy.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa, are you practicing? You'll get lots of agreement that what your H says should swing your emotions around, piss you off, and irritate you. No question, he's a candidate for charm school.
But you know what you're dealing with, and it's within your control to become immune to it or not.
When he asked if the friend thing was off the table, an easy response could be "I was just referring to basketball tickets here, to see if you want them." And it wouldn't hurt to add "I agree that trying to get along with one another will be good for the kids."
Who wouldn't agree with that? It's obvious. It doesn't commit you to anything, it's just a statement of fact.
Think about this. What causes your frustration in dealing with him? And how much of that is in your control? And what can you do right now to begin controlling that part?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sounds a lot like that free will we discussed a while back.
Here's a phrase that helped me... Just take it on the chin!! You know he knows how to push your buttons... Just take it on the chin. Or a quote from one of my favorite songs... "I am a stone... Unaffected"
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
"I probably would have said something about how "since the original proposal numbers were far off what your recently hired L believes to be fair, (esp since the partnership interest was not factored in...) but sure, you'll send it on over to your L for their any additional feedback."
Why do I differ from 25, you ask? It is because by using these words, you're giving H ammo to charge ahead and twist it around to make it in such a way that you're the one that is making this process difficult. Be damned if you dare to EVEN suggest that H's numbers are voodoo! I just can see where H would get all hot and bothered by this comment.
Which is why I lke this vanilla response:
H, thanks for getting back to me on this. Yes, I do have the proposal you sent a while back. Please give me your L's email address and a phone number so my L can get in touch with him/her regarding your proposal. Thanks. M
How can H argue with this text? There's nothing for H to counter back or arugue back with right there.
My question is why should she even CARE if H gets all hot and bothered by anything she says? Mellisa has no control over how her H reacts. She why act like you do. H is being a pr1ck and is trerating Mellisa like she doesn't know anything. That shows such a lack of respect. Honestly, the best thing she can do is let the lawyers handle it all. Just deal with him when it involves the kids. That way, there is no wondering how he will react.
Ugh. I wish I could just not speak with H. I never know what to say or how to respond, and he soooooo knows how to push my buttons.
I texted him to ask if he wants any more of our NBA tickets, because I get tired of asking him about each individual game. As Betsey mentioned above, the Nuggets are TERRIBLE (though Betsey, we need to talk if you think the Rockies are going to offer any relief) and my H is a bit of a fair weather fan, so I was hoping he would just let me have the rest.
He responded, asking whether I was inviting him to the games, or offering him the tickets for his own use.
I responded, "the latter."
So he said . . .
"OK, just so I'm clear here - the friend thing is off?"
and then,
"I mean, that's fine if that's what you want. I'd just like to be clear on where you stand. We're going to be dealing with each other for the rest of our lives. I'd like to make it as pleasant as possible. "
Ugh. I have no idea how to respond to that. It feels like a minefield. Also, if any part of it is genuine, I couldn't possibly identify which part.
And that ^^^^, right there ^^^, is (among other reasons) why we are not friends.
Your response should just be "I just want to know now which tickets you want. That way I know which tickets I have so I can plan my schedule to go see the Nuggets"
"I probably would have said something about how "since the original proposal numbers were far off what your recently hired L believes to be fair, (esp since the partnership interest was not factored in...) but sure, you'll send it on over to your L for their any additional feedback."
Why do I differ from 25, you ask? It is because by using these words, you're giving H ammo to charge ahead and twist it around to make it in such a way that you're the one that is making this process difficult. Be damned if you dare to EVEN suggest that H's numbers are voodoo! I just can see where H would get all hot and bothered by this comment.
Which is why I lke this vanilla response:
H, thanks for getting back to me on this. Yes, I do have the proposal you sent a while back. Please give me your L's email address and a phone number so my L can get in touch with him/her regarding your proposal. Thanks. M
How can H argue with this text? There's nothing for H to counter back or arugue back with right there.
My question is why should she even CARE if H gets all hot and bothered by anything she says? Mellisa has no control over how her H reacts. She why act like you do. H is being a pr1ck and is trerating Mellisa like she doesn't know anything. That shows such a lack of respect. Honestly, the best thing she can do is let the lawyers handle it all. Just deal with him when it involves the kids. That way, there is no wondering how he will react.
Brian,
The goal in email/text exchanges is to keep them as neutral as possible otherwise Melissa's H will spew left and right with all sorts of sundry stuff. You don't want to give the WAS any ammo more than necessary. Yes, M isn't in control of how H reacts, but SHE is in control of how she communicates with H. Hence the suggestion to keep communications vanilla. You've seen how Melissa's H responds to her communications: give him an inch and he'll grab a mile!
That's why all communication should go through the L. He is going to spew his vitrol regardles of what she says. I just hope he wasn't like this the entire marriage.
I thought Brian's suggestion was quite vanilla. I think that Melissa can learn not to react to her H, and thus not escalate tensions, without paying a lawyer to handle all their communication.
What does take a mile mean in the context of the bball ticket conversation?
The choice to get excited about what he said and how he put it...is Melissa's.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
That's why all communication should go through the L.
That is not possible nor reasonable. M does need to communicate with H on some matters. You can't just jettison ALL communications on to the L. Otherwise, it will rack up unnecessary billable time just for "tit-for-tat" communications.
For legal matters pertaining to the divorce, house sale, division of assets, and child custody arrangements need to be handled by the L.
Ad,
I thought Brian's suggestion was quite vanilla.
My response was not in reference to Brian's suggested response which, I too thought, was good. It was in response to Brian's comment on why M should worry about H being 'hot and bothered' based on their previous communications. Focus on the how to communicate with the WAS part. That is the crux of my main point here. What does take a mile mean in the context of the bball ticket conversation?
I was not referring to the ticket issue per se...but generally speaking of their previous communications where H countered back at M with more spew, twisting words, and placing strategic mini-bombs where he can hang M with her own words. The choice to get excited about what he said and how he put it...is Melissa's.
