Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

[nero]

hiya-

okay- i went back and re-read eric reply. i do like the part of not deciding about the whole DONE thing. i think that is correct- we place sometimes, too much importance on the whole decision and lable. i do i know.

i sttress in middle of nite bout DECIDING. then i decided not to decide- that was my position. when the right thing came along- i would know and go that way.

it's okay- i'm off the DECIDE YOU FOOL (to self) thing-

i do miss what i had. i do not know if it is possible with THIS guy- i do not know who or what THIS GUY is really.

perhaps (i do wonder) who i thought he was - never existed. what if, he and our r was all in my mind. as i'm sayin that- i'm being crazy i know. i do know what i know about what we had together. i'm just not so sure anymore tho what it meant to him- if anyting.

oh well- i know, screw myself into the ground a bit with this junk.

he's right in that i need to just stop it. i can choose. actually, i do think my "hope" is for some peace of mind for me and to find myself feeling happy and lucky- which was my usual description of self in life. (for as long as i can remember)

i don't think about hoping for h. i wouldn't know what to hope. i would have liked to find out he was the same old guy and that that guy was what and who i thought.

i think that ship has sailed- he may just be changed intot his new person and old guy is dead. i feel like that .

i do n't know what i'm doing with this guy alot of the time. it's just the way it's always been - so i am ehre.

i am loath to upset my entire universe with packing up tons of junk from fl house- and buying him out of nj house- and finding a fulltime job (and probably can't even find one that pays enough at my age - 63) and alot of stuff.

i can do what i have to- when i'm forced to. this i know.

to actually jump in and instigate it- i'm less exuberant about that. does that make sense?

oh well- as usual- here's me awaiting "wisdom" and feeling sure still that one of these days "the answer" will bam me on the head and i'll know what the heck i'md oing without a shred of doubt. fingers crossed huh?

now- whre is that peice of cake i'm saving...???

xxoo

[Portia]

Hi Heather,

Although I am familiar with situational depression (the up and down stuff), I was actually diagnosed with clinical depression. Came as a shock to me! Clinical depression is challenging to deal with (If you have been reading Tad's thread, he displays the classic symptoms) because no matter how much you tell yourself to snap out of it, it just does not work that way. But, yes, I am being treated although I have not so far gone to counselling. Thank you so much for your concern.

Nero, you are always so right!

i don't think about hoping for h. i wouldn't know what to hope. i would have liked to find out he was the same old guy and that that guy was what and who i thought.

i think that ship has sailed- he may just be changed intot his new person and old guy is dead. i feel like that .

Me, too. In my case, with Skippy so long gone, I need to remind myself that even if we started reconnecting, the old relationship is dead. And agree with you about peace of mind. That would be the greatest gift right now. It's a challenge, I am working on it.

For the first time, after he texted, I didn't think to myself, I wonder when I will hear from him again. What does it matter?

Nero, if that cake is chocolate...save me a piece!!

[ericmsant2]

Sorry for the late response…I’ve been dealing with my D12’s issues at school.

In fact, you are right because don't we all hold our own keys

Yes we DO! Sometimes I wonder why it takes us so long to realize just how much control we have over our life and our choices.

I am still on the hampster wheel and the only way that I feel I can get off of the wheel is to be done.

I FEEL…

Hmmm…I feel a lot of things…and a lot of times my FEELINGS changes. Get what I am trying to say?

But do you believe that a person can "choose" to be done? Like choosing carrots instead of peas?

I think a person can CHOOSE to reframe how you look at things…

I think a person can CHOOSE to embrace how they feel but also ACCEPT that the feeling will pass

I think a person can CHOOSE how to REACT to a FEELING.

I think a person can CHOOSE how to think and react to EXPECTATIONS.

but actively choose to be emotionally done?

IMO, you have created an EXPECTATION of what being done feels like. An EXPECTATION that may or may not happen – so YOU feel stuck. Stop it. Just live YOUR life. Day by Day. Just be happy for each day. Thoughts of Skippy are not going to disappear forever and nor should they. Get what I am sayin?

Accept that this is life right now and he is not in it and that I need to focus on the people and things that are in my life and focus on me

BINGO! (insert picture of Eric clapping while cheering…you go Portia…you go girl!)

There is a lot of work to do on me, so really, that should take up quite a bit of time!

Personally, I think the work never stops. I am a project manager by trade, so I am going throw a term out….. “concurrently”

You can work on YOU AND still have fun, live and enjoy life – ACCEPT that YOU cannot fix everything about yourself overnight….and truth be told …imo, some things YOU cannot “fix” per se. For example: I have abandonment issues as result of my childhood. I cannot “fix” them per se..but I can learn to deal with them better. I can learn to understand what triggers them and why.

Clinical depression is challenging to deal with (If you have been reading Tad's thread, he displays the classic symptoms) because no matter how much you tell yourself to snap out of it, it just does not work that way. But, yes, I am being treated although I have not so far gone to counselling.

PORTIA, maybe you should consider talking to someone. It does not have to be a counselor per se. It could be anyone…a priest..pastor…rabbi..


Have a great weekend. I am driving to VA today! Yippee!

[Notlikingthis]

Portia,

Wish I had a magic wand that would take all of the "Skippy" memories away. But then that would leave a major hole in your life! Every experience that we have, good and not so good, teaches us something. Once we figure out what we were suppose to have learned we can move forward.

I like what Eric says above, we can choose how we embrace, react, think and feel. You have control over all of that. And if all else fails ask yourself what your grammy would say..I'm guessing she would say, "P!ss on it!" I think of that every time I read your thread, Portia. She was a wise woman. LOL

Do you think it's time that you take a few days off, book yourself a weekend at a spa and let someone spoil and pamper you? It works wonders on our physical as well as mental being. I want a full report of how you feel after your spa vacation.

Take care.

[Portia]

Eric and NLT,

Thank you for your posts.

Get what I am trying to say?

Get what I am sayin

Why yes, Eric, I do!

I don't want all my thoughts of Skippy to go away. We did have some excellent times together. But I would like to start be able to think about him without immediately thinking of the more recent painful memories.

Out of the blue, I got a text from Skippy yesterday. Asking me how I felt about the situation in Russia (I have family there). It does seem strange when he drops me a line like it hasn't been weeks since I last heard from him. I have not had time to respond.

I was thinking about something, though and was wondering if anyone else had some thoughts. First of all, even if Skippy came back and professed undying love, I am not sure I want him back or in my life. While I have no expectations of him anymore, I wonder if I am not sending out a wrong message by continuing to answer his texts.

My feeling is that I am being polite, although that sometimes smacks of hypocrisy to me since I am still so angry at how he treated me. And that since I am not reading anything into the random texts, I can reply and my replies don't "mean" anything either.

I guess there is a part of me which really does not want him to think that everything's OK - look GF or new GF, everything is fine between us, I am not that bad, she is cool with everything.

Because I am not.

So, I am just going to reply, however he takes it is his business. But, I was wondering....

[Portia]

PS NLT -

I am sooo working on that Spa Day!

[Wonka]

Portia,

My feeling is that I am being polite, although that sometimes smacks of hypocrisy to me since I am still so angry at how he treated me

Time, space and working hard at the forgiveness part will aid in the lessening of the anger. For the first five years after Ms. Wonka left me, I was angry whenever a memory of Ms. Wonka was recalled and I associated it with the awful things she did. With time and hard work on the forgiveness part in tandem with texting and recent phone calls, the anger part has pretty much dissipated for me.

I've decided that holding on to the anger isn't doing me any favors. Why would I want to continue holding on to the anger? It just doesn't change the facts or change the situation. Two nights ago, Ms. Wonka and I had our phone convo (the last one was just over a year ago). After the call, I felt a shift in me: Ms. Wonka and I talked as friends. And I saw her through a different lens and I finally put the anger part to rest with that phone call. It is internal after months and months of hard work at the forgiveness gift.

Whenever I felt anger, I used a stop sign in my head "forgiveness!" That helped me slowly shift and slowly shift my perspective. Now, I see Ms. Wonka in a different light.

Keep plugging away at the anger, my dear. Keep on chipping at the large boulder one piece at a time until it is reduced to nothing. You'll get there if you put the effort to it.

Staying stuck on anger kept me from seeing Ms. Wonka in a new way and appreciating her good qualities. That, for me, was the key in moving away from the anger square that I was standing on because I wanted to be 'right' in holding on to the anger. It didn't help me at all. In some ways, it hampered my progress. A damned shame and if by sharing this experience with you and others can aid you in moving past the anger, then good!

[BrightFuture]

Portia, eventually you will reach that state when your memories of Skippy are not painful anymore. I’m not completely there yet, but I found that I can talk about some past events involving H and not feel pain. I have some practice though, I see our mutual friends and it is just impossible to avoid all the topics that include H sometimes.

I don’t think that it is strange for Skippy to text you out of the blue. He definitely thinks about you. Whatever is going on in his life right now, he just cannot stay away from you. He cannot help it. Maybe he is trying hard to forget about the life with you, but apparently it is not working for him.

Don’t worry about sending the wrong message. Do what feels good for you. If you want to respond, do it. And then forget about it until the next text, LOL. I don’t think that he would interpret your reply as if everything is OK. I think he knows very well that you would not be OK with any of his GFs and you on the picture at the same time. I think these texts are his attempt to keep some connection to you while he is trying to figure out what he wants.

I would not mind a weekend at the spa too .

[Portia]

Hey Wonka and BF,

Thanks for stopping by!

Wish I could tell you I was at the Spa, but nope, not that lucky!

Wonka, thank you. I am trying to work on the anger. It flares up every so often. The sad thing is that my feelings have almost changed to indifference when I am not angry.

BF, I did reply to the text - breezy and casual. Radio silence on the other end. I wonder if he realizes that one of these days, I am just going to stop answering because this is just too weird, ths text me like we've are the best of buds but not reply if I reply. This behaviour is all so strange. I almost find it amusing, now. I replied and forgot about it.

Take care everyone!

[ericmsant2]

I wonder if he realizes that one of these days, I am just going to stop answering because this is just too weird,

You could always try this ^^^ now. Maybe you end up with a different result.

I wonder if I am not sending out a wrong message by continuing to answer his texts.

Good question to ponder...or is it? What if you respond, what is he going to think, what if you do not respond, what is he going to think? Hmm....sounds like you can go round and round with this one - almost like a hamster wheel.

I don't want all my thoughts of Skippy to go away.

IMO, they never really do. Making a stance for you, is not going to erase the good times.

although that sometimes smacks of hypocrisy to me since I am still so angry at how he treated me.

Why then do you still respond - even if it is short? What is the worse that could happen?

I can reply and my replies don't "mean" anything either.

Can you honestly say that? Maybe I am wrong...i just think that deep down inside they do mean something.

I guess there is a part of me which really does not want him to think that everything's OK - look GF or new GF, everything is fine between us, I am not that bad, she is cool with everything.

Because I am not.

Then why not tell him?

Wonka makes a good point about working through the anger piece by piece....maybe the piece that is missing is the one where you really let him know how you feel. When you really tell him that it is NO LONGER okay for HIM to contact you at the whim, that YOU deserve better than that. Mabye it is time for PORTIA to take HER POWER back. I dunno...you know best Portia. Me...I choose to never get on the hamster wheel..not for her...for Me.

I would not mind a weekend at the spa too

I totally recomend the spa day! Hell I think I am gonna book mine right now.

Peace,
Eric