hello confused. I am sorry you find yourself here, but you will hear from others that you will get great support and advice. AS( anotherstander) and he brings some wise thoughts.
I think the general feeling around here is to not leave your home. Whatever you do right now is going to irritate your w as you have already see and stated. The best thing to do is just get out of the way. She's a big girl. She can set her alarm....I don't think you should have to go hide in your room in your own home unless it is what you want to do... I know it is hard. Just continue to be pleasant... hang in there.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
It feels like she just wants me to be the one that quits - not sure if I will ever get to that point. Guess I'll know it when or if I do.
Boy this hit right at home with me. I have felt this on and off for the past years that I think we put our relationship in autopilot. Even now, I feel a bit trapped by this. Something like a damned if you don't, damned if you do. If you do, then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't, then you are to blame for the sitch, because she told you that she wants out, but she won't do it herself (leave the house I mean).
I have no bits of wisdom to give, just dealing with this on a day-by-day basis. I'm trying to detach for now. We'll see how it goes...
My wife and I just started MC. My wife met with the counselor on Tuesday and I met with her today. The counselor had told us upfront whatever we spoke about with her would be brought out when we met with her together next Thursday.
Here's my question:
Our phone plan recently changed to the "framily plan" and now i'm able to see it online whereas before it was under her brother and we just paid him our share. Her brother made the billing change to save us all a few bucks.
The bill shows a number of calls to the same out of state number. She is going to that state on Spring Break with her mother.
Do I ask her about the calls or just let it go?
If she wants out I just wish she would go and if she wants to work on the m I believe the calls need to stop. Do I need to set boundaries or will this just push her further away?
I'm so frigging confused. Hopefully I can get some veteran answers.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
I'm wondering if I should continue to give her space by going into our bedroom most nights and reading or should I stay in the living room and be available if she wants to talk.
Neither. Stay in the living room because it's what YOU want. Or in the garage, or outside working on something, or out jogging, or at the gym. You've got to quit worrying about your W and what every little thing you say or do means to her. Right now she is DONE. She is CHECKED OUT. Nothing you do really matters to her for now. The sooner you accept that and GAL the better off you'll be.
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Where she is at right now is she gets uptight if I help her or if I don't.
Yup. It can be frustrating. She wants to hate you, so every little thing will be your fault and she will not see good in anything you do for quite a while.
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The bill shows a number of calls to the same out of state number. She is going to that state on Spring Break with her mother.
Do I ask her about the calls or just let it go?
If you ask then she will know 100% that you've been snooping. How do you think she'll react to that, especially in light of your above comments that you can do no right?
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If she wants out I just wish she would go and if she wants to work on the m I believe the calls need to stop. Do I need to set boundaries or will this just push her further away?
It'll push her away. You've got to detach and leave her alone. Give her time and space. Focus on what you're doing to GAL, tell us something about that.
I think the general feeling around here is to not leave your home. Whatever you do right now is going to irritate your w as you have already see and stated. The best thing to do is just get out of the way. She's a big girl. She can set her alarm....I don't think you should have to go hide in your room in your own home unless it is what you want to do..
^^^ I agree!!^^^
Regarding staying at home, sometimes there are unusual circumstances (such as the WAS owning the house before the M) but in general as willbwell said we do suggest staying in the home. Separation can be quite an ordeal and the WAS is the one that should suffer the inconvenience of that. Plus if there are kids they tend to view the spouse leaving the family house as the one that left the M. So if the WAS coerces the LBS into leaving, the kids may actually think the LBS "abandoned" them. And kids want familiar surroundings, so they'll feel more comfortable in the family home no matter which spouse stays there.
Thank you for your reply. I will let the MC know it not be brought up in our session together next week. As for GAL I'm heading north to go snowmobiling with a couple of friends this weekend. Hopefully it gets above zero degrees but looking forward to a great time.
Need to figure out how to GAL more but most free time is spent with our son. Just he and I most of the time. I work a lot so when I'm not working I want to be doing something with him. I'm not into the bar scene but I should look into joining a gym and go there after I put him to bed. When the weather gets warmer it will be easier to do things outside - yard work, golf, bike ride etc.
Thanks again
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
It feels like she just wants me to be the one that quits - not sure if I will ever get to that point. Guess I'll know it when or if I do.
Boy this hit right at home with me. I have felt this on and off for the past years that I think we put our relationship in autopilot. Even now, I feel a bit trapped by this. Something like a damned if you don't, damned if you do. If you do, then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't, then you are to blame for the sitch, because she told you that she wants out, but she won't do it herself (leave the house I mean).
I have no bits of wisdom to give, just dealing with this on a day-by-day basis. I'm trying to detach for now. We'll see how it goes...
I get/got the same stuff from W. By the time I filed it was rewll "suicide by cop" if you've ever heard thst phrase when somebody points a gun at s cop knowing their gonna get shot b/c they csnt kill themselves...
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I'm no veteran, but besides GAL...what, if any, 180's have you been able to focus on? You have to make changes for you, but you should look at things you aren't satisfied with and work on them. I think reading and joining a gym sound great, but what else are you thinking?
I like what you said earlier about having cleared off her car and then not the next time. If she is upset either way, just consider what she is upset about. If you don't do it she is mad because you didn't help her and could have. When you do help she is mad at herself for what is happening. Not saying you should do things just to make W mad at herself but if you want to do it then do...if not, don't worry. Try not to have expectations on her reactions and be the person you want to be.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Need to figure out how to GAL more but most free time is spent with our son. Just he and I most of the time. I work a lot so when I'm not working I want to be doing something with him.
Doing stuff with your son is GAL'ing too! GAL just means get out and do stuff separate from your W. There are no restrictions on it! Take your S to the park, fly a kite, ride skateboards, take him to a clay-sculpting class, swing on a swingset, go to a movie, etc. etc. It's all good!
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I'm not into the bar scene
Why do people always identify "bar" with GAL?
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When the weather gets warmer it will be easier to do things outside - yard work, golf, bike ride etc.
There's plenty of indoor stuff to do too. In the winter I take my kids to the movies, take them to painting classes, indoor mini golf and go-karting, laser tag, I go to the gym, I play Bingo with friends, go out to eat, etc. etc. Don't make excuses, just get out of the house and do stuff!
