Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[labug]

What parenting books really resonated with you?

We often ignore ourselves and our M when we have young children. As I told 3boyzmom, I became 70% mom, 30% wife, (employee was also in there somewhere) and that was on a good day.

An intact, healthy M doesn't just happen as we all learn far too late.

[Mic]

Hi Labug
I really liked James Dobson's books. I would read the Parenting magazines and had been reading books by Kevin Leman. I remember reading( I can't think of her name) How to be sexy and a mom. She was funny but right on target. Yes most of my attention went to my children and working. The rest got left over for my husband. I had my priorities all scewed up:)
I was a horrible housekeeper. I started doing the flylady stuff about 5 months ago. The last 3 days when I've had the kids. Everything has been done - beds, made, house clean, breakfast done about 20 minutes before we have to take my oldest to school. The kids can just play and relax. It was funny the other day I was sitting around and thought at this moment there is nothing that needs doing in the house. Even when I come back on my off days from the house I immediately start picking up. LOL. That was so totally not me.
On the downside I am over the anger stage and I just can't seem to stop crying. I know this is another cycle of this to go through. I guess I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and I have to keep swimming to reach the island. I'm not sure what is on the island - cannibals or a nice cabana and lots of fruity drinks:) Either way I have to keep swimming.

[Mic]

Email from H - and wanting advice on how to respond in a 180 way.
First he texted regarding how our daughter turned stuff into a treasure chest. He iniates 90% of the texts.
I told him I noticed when I went up to fold clothes
(Note husband NEVER Apologizes for anything)
"He texted back and said sorry he did not have the clothes folded. Was a mad dash this morning."
One of our issues in the past was he felt rightly so I did not do housekeeping as well as I should or hardly at all. My mom came in once a week and did stuff. I would leave to take the kids places and the house was always a wreck. I did not know until BD that housekeeping was such a huge issue to him. The deal that we are sharing the house right now is we both leave it immaculate with all kids clothes done.
Should I text back and say "No worries" Right now your paying all of our bills and that should be part of my job. I have went back to work two days a week but its in RE (all commission takes awhile to get your first sale again) My horse business is closed due to the pending divorce.
Just not sure what to say since housekeeping was one of the major issues in our marital breakdown. See above on how hard I've been working on it.
I know this text is a little thing but huge for H to apologize at all.
Advice please

[labug]

What's the treasure chest comment mean?

How about "I completely understand. Thanks for the thought." ?

[AnotherStander]

Thanks AnotherStander. Would have love to seen the pics.

I will post a pic on FB, some of us are on there with the same handles we use here and "DB" at the end of it. Search for that and you'll find me

[Mic]

Wow -2 apologies in one day. This from a man who I can't remember the last time he apologized. Is this another side of the WAS they start apologizing. Not for leaving but actually accepting blame for other issues? A big issue in our marriage was that I literally became a doormat. My first instinct would be to think what made him happy and just keep quiet, so we literally NEVER argued Ever. It was hard to argue with an attorney and I would just give him the silent treatment or do what I wanted. One of my 180s has been to tell him exactly how I feel. In my mind I don't have to worry about him leaving, he's already left. (I don't mean begging him to come back) Just stating facts or I don't like this I like this etc. We need to work this out regarding X issue in the divorce. I truly think I may have been depressed or had Post Partum Depression for 6 years. Is that possible? It's like getting my tubes tied completely changed my personality back? Is that possible? I gained weight, stopped dressing nice, Gave my all to my kids and the farm.
Now I'm in better shape than ever. Going back and doing activities such as trying indoor rock climbing for the first time next Sunday. When I don't have the kids and I'm not working trying to get out of my comfort zone and get a life.
Before I got married I had traveled to 32 countries, taught overseas. Bungee jumped in Africa, Got held up by guards in a bus in Mexico. Hugged a tiger in Thailand and then I became this little mouse. That was so not me. I do feel like I'm getting myself back.
ALL of my friends have commented that they feel like they have their friend back. They said over the past few years I seemed so lost.

[melissag]

Awww, Mic! I am glad that you are feeling more like you. I can relate. I, too, felt like I had become someone that I didn't really recognize, nor did I really like too much.

There was a period of time where I started to feel so much more like myself, and happy about it, but then on the flip side, so sad at the price I had to pay, and honestly, for a while, almost being willing to go back there just to have my M intact. Yikes. I am glad that didn't happen. I mean, I have nothing against yoga pants for yoga, but I had gotten just a bit too comfortable in them (literally, too!).

Glad you got an apology (two of them!) from your H. It is nice to know when someone recognizes the need to, AND actually does it.

[labug]

When you change, the dynamic changes.

Yes, you could have been depressed for 6 years. Sometimes it takes something drastic to cause us makes changes. It did for me.

Keep unearthing.

[Mic]

Thanks! I will keep unearthing. The days seem so long.
I am trying to live in the moment with my kids.
I keep thinking if I would have only known where I would be today I sure would have treated my marriage different. Of course then I probably wouldn't be where I am today. Lol
Has anyone read love and respect? Thought or opinions.
There is so much I want to say to my spouse but I know I can't/ shouldn't. Do people just journal their thoughts.
Sadly it seems like every day is another reminder of my divorce or another fire I need to put out in regards to my divorce.
Just one of those self reflection days. I think it will help if this snow ever ends and spring comes;)

[labug]

When we know better, we do better.

I haven't read Love and Respect but it sounds similar to How to Improve You Marriage...

There's a book, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend that you might like and gain something from.

You're so early in this, it does get better.

Some days are like moving through sand